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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this abusive, or am i mad?

20 replies

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 01:01

this is quite a long story, but i really need to know someones opinion, other than my own.
i have been with dp for 5 years we have 3 dc, 4.1, 1.6 and 0.4mnths. basically when i fell preg with dc 3 things got really bad and i left. used my savings to rent privately with my dcs. but i missed him terribly, we were getting on well seperated and i began to feel i had made a big mistake. now we are back together, living together, and things are beginning to make me wonder again if this is normal or me over reacting for example -
one minute he can be fine the other flying off the handle about something that imo is insignificant, to justify the way he is behaving.
like tonight i wanted to go to my sisters, which he always makes it clear, but not obviously, that he hates me doing and will never come along. he always moans and says i get back to late for the dcs. so tonight i said i would put the two older dc to bed and i would take the baby with me. i tidied the house before i left, settled the dcs and sorted the washing, done the days general cleaning. by the time i had done all of this it was 8pm, went to my sisters and came home at 11pm to find he had not even washed a bottle or plate. aibu to think he could have done this??
he had not worked today, and also before i left started saying why do u need to go and see your sister you saw her last week?? and i wil remember this when i get paid i am going out where ever when ever i want.
aibu or just over reacting please help??
sorry its so long x

OP posts:

kittycat68 · 13/05/2010 01:08

if your insticts tell you something is wrong why arnt you trusting them,

muggglewump · 13/05/2010 01:10

He sounds like a knob.

Is he usually this controlling?

Unsearchable · 13/05/2010 01:10

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you are over reacting or not - you're not happy.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2010 01:11

It doesn't sound great. Is this the sort of thing you left him for last time (not wanting you to go out, trying to cut you off from friends and family)? The impression I get is that he thinks you're only a 'woman' and therefore he is the important one in the family - if this is the situation and you have left him over it once already, then he's unfortunately probably going to get worse again because, fundamentally, he thinks he matters and you don't.

Original poster

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 01:15

kitty im just finding it hard to trust my instincts, when i thought i trusted them last time but fell apart when i left

we have days when we are so happy but then other days are hell, but i always wonder is it just me thinking its worse than what it is??
like i hate hate hate it when he swears at the kids, i just cant take it and say something to him, so then he swears at me, then later he wil apologise and say its because i nagged him, but he generally does sound sorry.

OP posts:

kittycat68 · 13/05/2010 01:22

the more you forgive him the more rope he will take. until you have no self confidence left. i know its hard on your own to start with but when you get used to it you and your children sound like they would be happier. So many times i didnt trust my instincts and forgave when he said sorry thinking it was probably my fault and how could i cope on my own. In my case it soon turned to physical abuse. what has your sister and family said about it they are closest to you take thier advice if you dont trust your own instincts. best of luck

muggglewump · 13/05/2010 01:23

He swears at the kids?, and then at you for not liking it and then blames you?

This is not normal, nor decent behaviour.

Original poster

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 01:26

thankyou. my sister is not very fond of him to say the least, and neither are the rest of my family.
so sorry to hear your story kitty sounds awful. think i might be suffering with a bit of pnd since having dc3 aswell, maybe its just that and im having a bad night

OP posts:

kittycat68 · 13/05/2010 01:31

remember your family love you and only want you to be happy trust them , as you say you may have pnd but that does give him the right to treat you or talk to you that wa y he should be undstanding if you think you need to go to the gp then do see what he says but please dont start thinking that its your fault, thats a long way going down the wrong road.

Cannotfindaname · 13/05/2010 08:50

YANBU. He sounds like a controlling knob. Swearing at the children is disgusting, particularly as they are so young.

You did the right thing in leaving the first time I think.

Also the last thing he said about when he gets paid shows what a total dick head he is.

KittyLilith · 13/05/2010 09:04

YANBU. Iwas in a similar relationship for three years and it just got worse and ended up in physical abuse. It was hard on my own when I left, but now I couldn't be happier.

Swearing in front of children is bad enough, but at them is disgusting. Also, you and your DCs should not have to tiptoe round in case you set him off.

For your own safety and for the children's health and welbeing you need to do something. The change in my DCs was amazing, they weren't scared any more and it showed.

I hope things work out well for you.

warthog · 13/05/2010 09:07

he says he's sorry but he does it again. not that sorry is he?

GeekOfTheWeek · 13/05/2010 09:11

Swearing at dc's is not on.

Controlling you is not on.

He is a knob. Leave.

Original poster

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 09:18

thankyou everyone. its hard because when he is the same everyday, i sometimes wonder if its normal and its just me over reacting.
im in a much better position this time to ask him to leave, as the house, bills etc are all in my name. so it would be him leaving. just think i need some time to get my strength together to ask him to go.

also im worrying how this will affect my dc, and if i can cope on my own, i suffer with anxiety, and find some days really hard managing with all 3 of them, but i just want my dc to be happy.

OP posts:

Chandon · 13/05/2010 09:19

It doesn´t sound great, but IMHO, it doesn´t sound like abuse, just normal martial disagreement.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 09:33

its ok.....i left once,went back,then left again,for good!!

you know the deal now,this time you can do it again....he's had his chance hasnt he? he knows you are capable of going....only this time he is!!

i think you need some strategies to prepare yourself.....but i doubt you will want him back this time.....it felt very different for me.

KittyLilith · 13/05/2010 09:37

It's not normal. That's how I felt and you don't realise the truth til you're out of the relationship fully.
Your DC will be happier when they're not in a home full of tension.
FWIW I was on antidepressents on and off for most of the realtionship, but haven't needed treatment for over eighteen months now.
It gets better. Make sure you have support and help from family and friends initially to help you keep your strength to not take him back.
Good luck.

Lonnie · 13/05/2010 09:48

what you are describing to me doesnt sound like abuse to me

I dont think your original post is him BU to be truthful I have evenings where I dont want to tidy up and you had done a fair bit of it before you left so I can get why someone would choose to just flake..

him not liking you going to your sister is a worry for me but again it isnt abusive behaviour as its not like he is making you not go he just doesnt like it..

all in all to me it sounds like you both need a serious talk and perhaps work out if you want to be with him, sometimes others peoples behaviour doesnt work for you and lots of little niggles here and there can after a lot of time feel very abusive so if this is his ways constantly I can understand why you are asking for opinions.

it comes down to this really Can you see yourself with this man in 10 years time? in 5? do you want to spend your life with him?

If the answer is no then it doesnt matter what he does

Downdog · 13/05/2010 09:58

you don't sound happy & your OH does sound like a bit of a knob who thinks it's his right to 'control' you.

Yes I'd be pissed off if I did ALL THE STUFF YOU DID before going out (so your visit to sister didn't inconvenience him in any way) & he didn't even wash up. YANBU to expect him to do that.

He sounds like he is all over the place emotionally & uses these 'moods' in a controlling way against you. As your sister doesn't like him, he will be thinking she'll be bad mouthing him all night, hence his childish reaction to your decision to go.

He'd be happy if you spent your life never leaving home at all - leaving the kitchen only to do the shopping I guess would be OK.

Trust your instincts. And take a look on the single parents board if you do decide to dump him. Lots of support & knowledge there.

Original poster

buttonmoonice · 13/05/2010 10:07

to be honest when ever i want to go out in the evenings without the dcs, which is very rare!!, he always makes it difficult for me to go. he says yes you can go as long as everything is done, which is pretty much impossible to have everything in the house done by 7 or 8 and feeding, changing bathing the kids etc and reading their stories, songs for bed.
now today whilst he is at work he wants me to go into town to buy him new shoes, and i just resent doing it. if he cant even run a bottle through the steriliser or put his own rubbish in the bin, why should i drag all 3 dc into town to buy his shoes??
i do love him and would love to sort this out so we can be a proper family unit, but i just cant see it happening.

OP posts:

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