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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is a bit much!!

10 replies

mummycake · 12/05/2010 18:46

Hi please dont slate me for this but my poor friend is under considerable pressure and is struggling with the demands of her 2 and a half year old daughter. She is often tense and on edge and her husband does little or nothing to help stating that his mother managed without his dads help when he was younger so so should she!
She often asks me for advice and help regarding her daughter which I am happy to give but I dont want to be negative about the fact that in my opinion she gives in to her little girl far too much one example today was she made her hubbie drive the 15 miles back from work because her daughter wanted her car seat back ( they didn't need it as they werent going anywhere and always have a spare in the house)she also gives into her child's every whim i.e doesnt bathe her very often because her child hates it and anything the child demands she gets including things like dummies which she didnt even have as a baby and doesnt use now but will have a tantrum- her mum goes to buy one and the child never uses it.
I am not judging and I wouldnt be writing this if she didnt constantly ask for my advice, I am not a perfect parent at all- who is? I just want to tell her in a nice way that in my opinion if she is firmer with her daughter then in the long run, life may get easier for her. How do I do this without sounding like a complete bitch- Please be nice to me!!

OP posts:

Plumm · 12/05/2010 18:48

I totally agree with you, but don't know how you can say it to your friend - maybe just tell her the truth and when she moans that you're eing harsh say 'well you did ask'.

rhondajean · 12/05/2010 18:50

Cant you pretend to be reading a self help book that says just that and share with her as if youre identifying it as something you will work on with your own dc?

Difficult one, good luck with it.

foureleven · 12/05/2010 18:51

Its such a shame that she parents like this, I bet she thinks shes doing the best by giving in to her daughter. parenting is all about making the tough choices not taking the easy route.

Dont know how you can tell her though so no help, sorry!

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2010 18:52

What do you say when she asks, if you haven't told her what you think of her parenting style so far?

I think if she's asking for your advice, it would be OK to say how you feel, it's unasked for advice that could be a problem.

Anything you want to say to her doesn't have to be negative, there's always ways of saying things in a nice way. Perhaps you could recommend a good book that would say everything for you?

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/05/2010 18:53

If she is struggling to cope I'd say it's easier for her to give in than fight it (speaking as the mother of a very determined 2.8 yr old DD). There are days when I simply cannot face the fall-out and I give in too easily. I wouldn't have capitulated on the carseat or the dummy, however. It sounds as if, perhaps, your friend needs a bit of a break and a lot more support. Perhaps then she'd feel better able to be firm when necessary?

I often find myself doing my "stern" voice in record time because I'm tired and have had enough. My DD is really well behaved and doesn't tantrum very often (any more) but even so, it's wearing to do it all alone.

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2010 18:58

'I often find myself doing my "stern" voice in record time because I'm tired and have had enough'

Me too, it saves time

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/05/2010 19:07

LOL *Zigzag"!

cupcakesandbunting · 12/05/2010 19:34

rhondajean Wed 12-May-10 18:50:00
Cant you pretend to be reading a self help book that says just that and share with her as if youre identifying it as something you will work on with your own dc?

THIS, right, is brilliant. I am using it for everything.

MumNWLondon · 12/05/2010 19:46

If it was me, I'd say something like, "I think it would be best for me not to comment."

If you pushes I'd then say, "I think it would be best for me not to comment as you might not like what I have to say"

If she pushes again then be honest and say the problem is that she is letting her DD be in charge rather than the other way around, and it will only get harder - suggest she watches some episodes of supernanny to see what happens to children who think they are in charge!

BTW I would not have capitulated on the car seat. I might have given in on the dummy if I had one in the house.

Cannotfindaname · 12/05/2010 19:58

Its a tough one.

Personally I think you need to say something if she asks, only because I have seen how a child turns out by bringing them up like your friend is doing and it hasn't turned out at all well. Its far too late for the 2 that I know, but your friends DD is young enough for firmer parenting to become effective. Not sure how you would say it though. Children do thrive on boundaries and they like to know exactly where they stand with their parents. They will test obviously but that is their way of finding out what they can and cannot do, maybe you could say something like that.

One of the 'children' I know who has been brought up like this is now 16 and a horrible person. He recently broke his mothers finger while they were having a fight and her 13 year old DD is going exactly the same way.

I hate seeing children ending up like this because parents won't set boundaries and let the child know that they are in charge.

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