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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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25 replies

Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 19:12

My son is 13 in Sep. He has been asking for a FB account for ages, as "all his friends" have one . I am not keen for various reasons (although I am an active user myself)one being that I think he is too young.

I have thought about creating another account for myself (I don't want him having access to my every day account and have to be wary about him seeing the goings on/comments/pictures etc) and making the account or "Me" being his friend a condition of him having the account.

However - he stopped off at his friends on the way home from school yday and it turns out while he was there he has created an account. I am friends with the girls mum too and am a bit annoyed that he was able to do this at her house on her computer. He did tell me when he had got home what he had done and I told him I was annoyed and I would have to think about what I wanted to do and discuss it with his dad (we are divorced).

AIBU to feel really pissed off with him that he has done this (and and pissed off with his friends mum)

WWYD? - what have others done about this?

OP posts:
nagoo · 11/05/2010 19:19

Think that you should keep this between you and your boy, as it's not really your friend's fault that he created an account.

I agree he is too young and I can't stand kids being on facebook.

However I think a fair compromise would be for you to be able to access his account (including private messages).

It's too worrying otherwise. And make sure you sort his privacy settings.

crockydoodle · 11/05/2010 19:26

YABU He' s 13 (near enough), they're all on it. It's not that hard to keep an eye on what friends they have and what they are doing on it

BAFE · 11/05/2010 19:27

why are you pissed off with his friends mum?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 19:30

That he was on her PC unsupervised...he is only in year 7...

OP posts:
fireupthequattro · 11/05/2010 19:31

YANBU to feel miffed he has gone against your instructions. However he probably feels a bit left out as my 14 yo niece can't go a night without sending messages about the stuff they did 4 hours before on the bus home from school to her 594 bestfriends

It's part of their lives these days. You can set up privacy settings - no one can search for him, see photo, age. Are these your concerns predators etc? If you aren't internet savy there is a FB section on here.

Did the girls mum know what they were doing and accept it? You could approach her and say you have concerns, how does she manage her dd's use of facebook? Did she know that they were setting up accounts at home etc?

My brother and SIL allowed their dc's an account, but privacy is on highest settings. I am sort of "cool auntie" so they have accepted me as a friend.(They don't have their parents on there.) I don't snoop, but if I see anything untoward - the other day a boy was using foul language to her, I go on and drop her a line to make sure she is ok.

To be honest, the majority of stuff is so banal and blooming boring - 500 pics of girls holding the camera in their bedroom and pouting at it after straightening their hair, all telling each other that they are so pretty, no you are so pretty, no you are....

usualsuspect · 11/05/2010 19:39

YABU I would have let him have his own account..easier to keep your eye on a agreed account then a secret one

BAFE · 11/05/2010 19:41

If you don't want your son to use the pc unsupervised then don't bloody well let him go to other peoples houses.

Does he know he's not allowed to use the pc unsupervised. Did you tell the other mum she's not allowed to allow your son to use the pc unsupervised (although I suspect she'd tell you where to go if you did)

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 19:44

She knows how I feel about FB as her daughter requested my friendship and I declined and explained very nicely to her mum the reasons why and she told me she was supervised on it!!

He knows he isn't allowed to just create himself a FB account.

OP posts:
BAFE · 11/05/2010 19:47

Jeez I've heard it all now - your on facebook but your son's not allowed to be - do you not think that smacks of hypocracy?

I can understand you being annoyed but you really really really need to be annoyed at your son not anyone else. He needs to take responsibility for himself. Even in year 7.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 19:49

Its not hypocrisy, he is 12. He is a child, I am an adult. I am 35, what a ridiculpous thing to say. So is it also okay for him to smoke and drive and drink alcohol?

I don't think you are allowed an account until you are 13 anyway?

OP posts:
Lonnie · 11/05/2010 19:52

I cant believe any of you are saying that the OP is being Unresonable here..

Facebooks terms of service states the child has to be 13 or above this child is not.

Additionally the ops son has clearly been told that he is not permitted to do this so he deliberatly (and by sounds of things rather deceitfully) created an account

Imo password right now mate.. then change the password and ensure he gets that 13 means 13 not almost 13..

I am also the mother of a nearly 13 year old and I also get the "all my friends are on there " well tough that is not the rules are..

with regards to your friends mum no I dont think you should be annoyed with her but a serious talk to your son about what rules are is in order imo

BAFE · 11/05/2010 19:52

You asked if you were being unreasonable and we answered. If you think your justified go and have a go at the other mum, after all, it's her fault isn't it?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 19:57

Thanks Lonnie...

BAFE I am not slagging off the other mum, albeit I am annoyed I have managed for it not to happen here.

I fully accept my son went and did this behind my back. I more wanted to know what other parents do about it as it is really really tough and I am a single parent and don't have another adult here to discuss it with.

I work with teenagers and I see the sinister side of it - every day - I just don't want my son to be over protected because of this.

OP posts:
VengefulKitty · 11/05/2010 19:58

My friend has allowed her 8yo DS to have an account

Just one thing - the privacy settings have all changed. You cannot be unsearchable now which I hate. You can only limit it to "Friends of Friends".

So as long as there is a friend in common they can find you can see the pages you have become a fan of. NO way to change it.

other than that, he is nigh on 123. Allow him an account that you have the password to if you are that worried about him. But he will have his privacy from you. Be it on FB or in RL. All teens do.

fireupthequattro · 11/05/2010 19:59

Sorry Lonnie, I had no idea you had to be over 13. So yes I would agree with you.

But not against the other mum, she's just being naive and a bit daft, sort it out between yourselves. However he will probably just set one up on the sly if he's done it this once?

BAFE · 11/05/2010 20:00

In that case, I apologise for being shirty.

I let my nearly 13 year olds use facebook but although I don't want to be their fb friend, I insist on knowing their password so that I can keep an eye on things.

Would that be a compromise do you think? He could have had a FB account and not told you.

TiggyD · 11/05/2010 20:09

Wow! A 12 year old has gone behind his mother's back to do something he knew he shouldn't have done. This is possibly the first time this has ever happened!

Can you remember what you were like at 12 or 13? Children are always going to do sneaky things they know they shouldn't. It's part of growing up so you really shouldn't be shocked. He was good in telling you. Maybe a bit of a shorter sentence for that.

The condition that he can't keep things private sounds good. I like the idea that children's computers should be in a 'public' room in the house as well. It makes porn much riskier.

fireupthequattro · 11/05/2010 20:18

Yes Tiggy but also means I can't enjoy indulging in Turkishoilwrestling.com until everyone is in bed/out for the night

BAFE · 11/05/2010 20:20
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 20:29

I never said I was shocked...just said I wasn't sure what to do!!

OP posts:
fireupthequattro · 11/05/2010 20:29

oh yes BAFE, oh yes.....

fireupthequattro · 11/05/2010 20:30

ladyanonymous why not take a deep breath, relax and log onto the aforementioned website.....

nickschick · 11/05/2010 20:33

I think they are all having FB and used responsibly its ok.

Firawla · 11/05/2010 21:00

I think YABU a bit, he is nearly 13 it's not that young, and he told you about the account its not as if he made it secret. If he gives the password I think that will be plenty, and it sounds as if you limit and supervise his pc access anyway? So I don't think it will be a big problem.
As for the unsupervised internet access, cant they do that in school anyway we used to be able to access internet in the library from year 7, without teachers there supervising so I would have presumed its the same these days

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 11/05/2010 21:01

They have massive restrictions on school internet access, you can't even access Yahoo.

OP posts:
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