To be cross with my mum?

[Mrs1GeneGenie]

I'm not always the most relaxed mum and on a previous thread I started was helped to reach the conclusion I need to chillax a little and need to know if I should do the same again....

In the past I have had some problems with low mood and have always had an 'interesting' relationship with my mother who is a very dominant woman. At the weekend I was staying with my parents and for probably the first time in my life stood up to her over some thing she did relating to DD.

I was also a little tearful as I had gone for a drink with my sister and felt as though I had nothing to talk about part from DD. I have not returned to work yet (DD's 9 months) so my time is spent being a mum which I love.

My mother responded to this in an understanding manner and said she felt my feelings were very normal.

Last night she rang me with the classic 'your father and I are concerned about you'....

This made me really cross as me being an adult and standing up to her has been turned into me being depressed!

AIBU to feel cross about this?

I don't see anything wrong with your parents discussing your well being and letting you know they are worried

from what you write - low mood, not relaxed, tearful, feel like you have nothing to talk about other than DD... I would be a little concerend if you were my daughter

have yuo seen your GP?

you sound, if not depressed, but certainly suffering with low mood, which is not nice

do you go out much with DD? are you meeting other mums, going to groups etc?

do you ever get time to do something for yourself, alone? like to to gym, or hairdressers, or to the cinema or anything at all

it is easy to get lost and lose sight of yourself

without the back story re your mum, i would have to say YABU , you sound low, possibly depressred and your paretns are worried

Did she actually say they think you are depressed or is this what you heard?

Are you ok? It's tough having a 9 month old baby and I found becoming a SAHM very challenging. I've been at home for 7 years now but at first I found the transition really tough.

She didn't say are you depressed but from previous experiences this is what she meant.

I am very tired at the min but DD has not slept through since she was born and has been un well so there is good reason for it.

I do go swimming, see friends etc but do it all with DD as most of my friends are mums as well and I enjoy doing things with her.

DH always says he knows when I'm low as I stop laughing which I have not done. I saw my GP about an unrelated issue last week, she knows me really well and I think would have picked up on my mood being low.

Reading your replies has made me a little tearful though....

Think the issue was more that she did not take seriously my standing up to her about what she had done.

My word I sound defensive

it is annoying as hell when you confront someone and they take away all the legitimacy of your complaint by implying that the only problem is you.

Just like when you argue with a man and he asks if it is your period

Aw Mrs1G sorry to have made you tearful, not my intention at all.

As you say - you do sound a bit defensive. Regarding your GP - do you really think she would have picked up on your low mood - I am excellent at telling everyone everything is fine!

Do you do anything without your DD? Have you thought about an evening class/exercise class/OU course? Just something that isn't baby related.

I can only empathise with you. My DD (now 15 months) has only just started sleeping through the night. Tiredness is enough to make you feel low. Could your husband get up with your DD for one night just to give you a complete nights sleep? Would your parents have your DD one night or even for a morning/afternoon just to give you a break?

the op could be stressed/unhappy (hope not though!) and her mother STILL be a PITA.

Yes that's true Humphrey!

Humphrey I like the period comparison! that's exactly how I feel!

Am aware I need to do more stuff without DD but am wanting to spend as much time as I can with her before I return to work.

Will speak with DH later and show him this thread.

thanks ladies

It sounds like you are getting used to being a mum and the shift in lifestyle that brings.

There also seems to be a shift in your temperament. You are wanting your own views to be heard and accepted by your mum. The problem is your mum is a dominant lady and your relationship seems very much dominant parent and child response. I don't mean you are childish but there seems to be an automatic defensive reaction to her - I get that I have to work hard not to do this too.

In reality you are now an adult and a mum yourself. My advice is to try and step back from the situation and accept that your mum is dominant and so will try to do things her way ie as she has always done. BUT on areas that matter a great deal to you be firm with her and stand your ground. Don't shout or argue just say eg "no we are not doing it like that, this is what is going to happen..." Keep repeating this if she tries to argue - you don't have to explain yourself. By changing your own behaviour you can alter your mums. Pick your battles though, it will be best to let some things go.

I would also suggest that you start a hobby just for yourself without DD. Even if it's once a month. This will help your self esteem and give you something else to chat about with your sister. (You could rope your sis into babysitting while you go out. )

You said you mother was supportive when you were tearful. This is how it should be. Is she simply tactless with her follow-up? Remember she has no idea you've changed and is treated you as she has always done.

Finally, a classic distraction answer for your mum eg
Mum 'your father and I are concerned about you'
Mrs1"Really? There's no need to be I'm absolutely fine. What have you and Dad been up to today..."

Thanks spiderobsession, she was tactless with her follow up.

I agree I need to pick my battles carfeuly and usualy would have let things ride but it was something I just could not let pass.

Have been thinking of stuff for me and think the gym might be a plan as it'll help in more ways than one.

No probs.