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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off with parents for favouring other GC

25 replies

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 13:31

OK I have posted on this ages before, but its got worse! I am PISSED OFF

ages ago I asked my parents if they'd have DS overnight aged 18 months, they said "no he is not ready", I was really hurt as they have other GC who are similar age to stay, but decided not to get pissy and appreciate that 18 months is very young. Since then they continue to have their other DC, just not mine. they dont offer. there were meant to have him one Sat morning but they had something double booked.

I am PG due #2 this August and they have not even offered to look after DS, have just assumed he will be better off at my brothers as his are the same age. This has hurt me too if I am being honest

In a few weeks we are having both my brothers kids for an overnight weekend as they have a wedding. It will be tiring but as they will have DS when I have the new baby I want to return the favour, and book their goodwill in advance .

anyway, maybe I am being a drama queen but phoned parents yesterday and it transpired that they had my bros kids to stay over sat night.

so they dont even fucking OFFER when I am in labour, not even as back up. But will happily take both my brothers kids so he can have a fucking night on the tiles???

I am really hurt, really upset. I feel like they dont want to make a relationship with my family, they cant be fucking arsed. For whatever reason they think its OK to never help care for my child, but yes for their other GC

I love them, and dont want to fall out. But I am so hurt and angry, I dont want to speak to them and feel like saying something really vicious and nasty... like "you weont even meet your new GC whats the fucking point"

anway...breathe.....

OP posts:

minipie · 10/05/2010 13:41

Does sound a bit strange behaviour on their part. Is there any reason you can think of for the different treatment?

Original poster

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 13:44

they dont approve of DS bedtime (9pm) and they (deep down) dont really approve of DP. Plus my Mum thinks DS will cry, and is not prepared to chance it and try and build a relationship with him. he needs to get used to them.

OP posts:

DecorHate · 10/05/2010 13:46

Have you asked them straight out lately if they will have your ds?

Tbh I always assume my parents and PILs won't mind looking after my dcs once in a while (they don't live in the UK so it's not very frequent). I just say "dh and I want to do X on Monday, can you have the dcs"? I don't wait for them to offer first, iyswim...

Maybe your parents are waiting to be asked??

Ronaldinhio · 10/05/2010 13:50

Maybe...tis a bit of the pregnancy hormones meddling in your head

Ask them what the reason is rather than assuming it's a bedtime or dp problem

Tell them you are hurt by the implication

There could be a decent explanation

DecorHate · 10/05/2010 13:50

If they are worried about him crying or settling him at night, I agree that they need to get used to each other - so looking after him during the day would be a good way of starting. Do they live near enough to be able to pop over once in a while to take him out for a walk/to the park. etc??

traceybath · 10/05/2010 13:51

Oh - sounds like its other issues then rather than just favouring the other dc's.

To be honest my parents and in-laws wouldn't be that keen to do overnight babysitting if they thought child would be very upset and not go to bed until 9pm. Some of it is generational and they think all small dc's should be in bed by 7pm.

What are their issues with your DP - are they serious or just personality clash?

I would personally discuss this with them and say how hurt you are.

Could they come to yours one night and see how the bedtime routine works perhaps?

KERALA1 · 10/05/2010 13:56

Does your son sleep through the night usually? We were with some friends recently who were matter of fact about his parents having his sisters similar age DC overnight but not theirs because theirs were not good sleepers. The grandparents are loving and supportive but very clear that they are not prepared to have disturbed nights so no overnight babysitting until a child reliably sleeps through. Our friends werent upset about this at all it sounded reasonable enough to us. If there is a practical reason maybe you are getting abit over upset. If there isnt a decent explanation then YANBU.

Original poster

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 14:24

I dont know, this has been brewing for a while now. I feel like my DS is missing out, and I dare not ask them again in case they say no again. I feel hurt enough. as with all these things its a complex mix of FAMILY SHIT AND EMOTIONAL DRAMA!!!!

i dont even want a babysitter. I just want to know that I can rely on them, and I dont feel like I can sadly

OP posts:

minipie · 10/05/2010 14:37

Why don't you try asking them if they can have DS when the time comes for you to have DC2? Only then will you know whether you can or can't rely on them. If your DS often stays at his uncle's then they may well assume that's what you'd prefer. And re them having your bro's kids - he may have asked them, it doesn't mean they offered spontaneously.

You may be right and they may be treating your DS differently for some reason, but also it's just possible you may be imagining it and they are waiting to be asked again. best to find out before making assumptions.

You say you "dare not ask again in case they say no again" but realistically the worst that happens then is that you feel hurt - and you are already feeling hurt, so what have you got to lose? The best case scenario is that they say "Sure, we'd love to have him".

In summary: Don't assume the worst until you KNOW that's how they feel.

Original poster

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 14:46

very sensible advice minipie

OP posts:

newlife4us · 10/05/2010 14:49

Sorry - i may have missed this somewhere, but are your brother's DC girls or boys? This may sound a silly question, but we noticed a significant difference between my PILs treatment of our DD (first born) to our DS.

When DD came along they bent over backwards, but have never shown the same interest in DS. Both my DD (now 8) and my DS (now 5) have picked up on this.

Your parents should love each of their GC equally, but may be they are more nervous of having energetic boy? I would say how you are feeling in a calm way and ask them why they have not offered to have your DS.

I hope it works out.

hatwoman · 10/05/2010 14:58

I would calmly ask them. don't accuse. don't assume. take a deep breath and say "I'm really sorry if I'm wrong about this, but it does seem that you have db's dcs more often than ds. Is there a reason? if there is then I'd really like to know what it is, because I so want you and ds to be close and have fun together as he grows up. and maybe if you tell me I can do something about it".

seems to me you really need to get it out in the open - otherwise you'll store up hurt and resentment - quite possibly unnecessarily. and it'll get worse, not o away. tbh I wouldn't be suprised if "he's not ready yet" is at the heart of it - for some reason they feel this about your ds and not the others. but it would be helpful for you to know, other than feel hurt.

MrsGravy · 10/05/2010 14:59

I agree with minipie. My kids (aged 5 and 3) are numbers 6 and 8 out of 9 grandchildren!! Being relative latecomers, there was an already well established tradition of the older grandkids staying with my parents. As they are significantly older than my 2 this also means that they 'demand' much more of my parents time by asking to stay over.

This has meant it's taken a while for my parents to have my 2 to stay overnight - in fact, they had them for the first time a few weeks back. They're always so booked up with the older ones and struggle to say no to them! They were also reluctant to have mine until DS stopped being so clingy and alept more reliably through the night - fair enough in my book.

I HAVE felt resentful about this from time to time tbh, I've wanted my mum to be a bit firmer with the older ones that it's MY DC's turn. But I always knew that she loved them all the same, she's always made time to see my 2 regularly and very clearly dotes on them. I've also always known that she'd absolutely be there if I needed her to be. And this is the important thing for me, not that my parents are scrupulously fair about sleepovers but that they treat all the grandkids with love, which they do. If you can say the same then you've not too much to worry about. I'd maybe try and have a tactful discussion about it though, better that than have it all burst out in anger!

hatwoman · 10/05/2010 14:59

I don;t mean literally say that word-for-word btw. just take that line iyswim

jenduff · 10/05/2010 16:52

I have the opposite problem to MrsGravy in that my DC were the first and are therefore expected to give way to the younger ones.

I'm a SAHM and my parents look after DN and DN while my sis works during the week which doesn't leave a lot of time for my DC to see their GPs - if DM needs a break then she will cancel my DCs weekend visits to retain her energy for looking after DN and DN during the week - all very reasonable but a tiny bit of me feels pissed off on my DC behalf.

OP YANBU - ask them first of all if they can help out more with your DC and then if not ask (as unemotionally as you can) what the reason is.

GeekOfTheWeek · 10/05/2010 16:59

YANBU my fil does this. Worse still the child he favours isn't even a grandchild. Prick.

thinker · 10/05/2010 17:08

My mum and dad treat having 3yo dd as a chore and I feel i am grovelling for their help all the time, I dread asking. It does really hurt, my freinds mum will phone up and ask if she can have her grandson because she enjoys it. Its all about expectations, I dont expect help any more so I dont get disapointed but it makes me feel sad inside.

diddl · 10/05/2010 17:54

Is it really important that they have him overnight or you just want it because they have your brothers?

dublinmom · 10/05/2010 18:12

My mum definitely favors other GC -- babysits for my brother's kids every week, my sister often and never my kids. In fact, didn't call on DD's 2nd birthday last week, or mention it when I called her on Sunday.

BUT (as DH keeps telling me) after years of this, i have to choose to detach from it/her. I don't know why that's how she is, and it really hurts me, but I don't think her behaviour is going to change. So I have to change mine - to not expect anything off her, and try not to get upset.

I have pulled away from her emotionally -- now she's just someone I talk listen to every week, who isn't interested in me/the kids, like some random old lady in the street.

You may be able to work things out, but you might not. If your brother is willing to take DS, just be glad that he has a place to go and try to not even think of your parents as an option (becuas eit sounds like they're not).

Sorry. It sucks to realise your parents aren't there to support you. Some people, even ones we are related to, are just selfish.

Thediaryofanobody · 10/05/2010 18:23

YANBU it's blatant favoritism?
You could say to them "please stop the bullshit just tells us straight why?"
Or just accept this is the way they are, they'll only make future excuses anyway.
Personally I would find this type of behavior hurtful too and would probably distance myself and children from them.

CheerfulYank · 10/05/2010 18:26

I think hatwoman's approach sounds like good advice. Luckily they're your parents and it should be a bit easier to talk to them than the in-laws.

I have this problem but in the opposite- my in-laws favor my DS over my neice and nephew. Their mother (my SIL) is very...cautious, I suppose, and as such her DC are frightened of everything and very very senstive. My ILs are very much, "Oh, up you get, you'll be fine," and sort of gruff, so they don't relate very well to them. My SIL and BIL have made "joking" comments about DS being the "pet", etc, and I worry b/c I don't want it causing issues between the cousins. Sigh...

But sorry, this isn't about me! Congrats on your impending arrival and I really hope you can work this out.

Original poster

porcamiseria · 11/05/2010 09:26

thnaks to everyone

rather than instigating WW3, I will ask them have an opportunity coming up, I cant be more hurt than I am

as always thanks for bringing some perspective.....

OP posts:

pigletmania · 11/05/2010 09:29

YANBU this is just not on tbh, why dont you talk to them and have it out, not in a confrontational way but a chat about it! They need to know that they are hurting you.

Cannotfindaname · 11/05/2010 09:30

I haven't read the replies so sorry if its repeating but I would sit them down and ask them outright why they treat your DS different to their other DGCs. Its not on tbh even if they don't like your DH.

sunnydelight · 11/05/2010 10:04

It could be just as simple as the late bedtime which you have said they disapprove of - maybe they just don't feel up to entertaining an 18 month old (which can be quite a "lively" age) that late in the evening. I was hiting 40 when DD came along and I really noticed the difference in terms of tiredness compared to having the boys when I was younger - there is no way I could have coped with her still running around at 9 at night. Whether or not you agree, I think if there is a straightforward answer you will probably feel better about it!

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