Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be friends with these people...

53 replies

fartytowels · 10/05/2010 12:16

I'm married in my 30's with DS. When 20 I met a guy from home, fell in love and we moved to London. When we were 28 we split, not acrimoniously, I bought a flat and moved. We'd had a lot of stress in life but still liked each other etc etc.

One weekend we went to the same rugby match, we had bought tickets months before. I had a spare and invited my female boss who was 40 & a bit lonely, used to date ex-con, lost touch with all her friends through this relationship. They got on, & I didn't realise but she went back to our old flat and slept with him. I was ok about it, just jokingly said spare me the details.

This she couldn't do, and announced very loudly in work constantly every intimate detail of their blossoming sex life. I left the company and distanced myself - I didn't want to hear it all the time. Also fed up of going for work drink, him turning up and them snogging the faces off each other. I'm nearly 40 now,like she was then and don't think it's appropriate behaviour for after work drinks.

I thought I could put in the past but every few years they get in touch. First time she kept telling him that I had saved for a deposit whilst living with him and therefore half that money for my flat should be his. (I paid him through Uni and 4 foreign hols and left with the debt but that was forgotten about).

The following year i got phone message on Xmas night "if you died tomorrow it wouldn't be a moment too soon". It was her (brummy accent) i called and told them to shove it, he then met me and apologised his excuse - she is devastated that i dumped her after she was such a good friend to me.

8 years later they keep contacting my family or me through facebook.Why can't they leave me alone. I am happy they're married, have dogs etc why can't they just get on with their lives and stop reminding me of the past i would rather forget?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 10/05/2010 12:46

why did you agree to meet him?
i dont think you help yourself or the situation by being so available

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 10/05/2010 12:46

If you truly have no wishes to keep in contact, thensend them a message that maes it clear, including if you like a comment re why they can't let you go as you have certainly moved on and they need too.

traceybath · 10/05/2010 12:51

Littlered - god I may move on from boyfriends but if a friend started seeing an ex I really wouldn't want to be privy to details of their sex life!

So OP - I don't think you sound odd at all.

Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 12:53

Just to clarify Littlereddragon:
A) I didn't introduce them, wasn't like a matchmaking event it was a rugby match and they were both attending with a group of 12
B) Sitting in an office environment with your line manager asking where your ex partner learnt such a wonderful technique for oral sex, etc on a daily basis, and the second by second detail of their bedroom antics, I feel, is not expressing her excitement over a new relationship. I don't tolerate my staff discussing this stuff openly when I havent been in an 8 year relationship with said person.
C) I told her it wasn't really my business and to stop, and she didn't.
D)I wanted to leave the company anyway and this pushed me towards taking another job and making a clean break.
E) It's been 8 years since the last contact and I am certainly not jealous, just annoyed that they are using my family in this way.

Do you keep in touch with your ex partners and all your old friends and discuss the innermost details of their sexual pragmatics?

If you do, and that's acceptable, then yes, to you, I must be extremely odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 12:54

I met him eight years ago Threeblondeboys, and yes I was younger and more naive but thought a plain face to face NO would do the trick, ho hum.....

OP posts:
Fluffyvacuity · 10/05/2010 12:57

you don't sound odd or jealous to me, but hey its aibu so let's pick apart the op!! oh and jump on what might be a discrepancy (over sex of who phoned) even though it was pretty obvious what op meant. In a second someone will call troll, tell you what, I'll do it, save your fingers....

troll.

jeez. its aibu not 'kill the fucking op and stamp on her till the blood is dry'

Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:04

fluffy...you aint fluffy at all.

Well if ripping into me allows people to vent their anger and not take it out on their poor DP's and DC's, then who I am I to argue, I'm already taking it from ex partner and ex-boss of 12 years, what's another few hundred hagglers pmsl

OP posts:
AuntieMaggie · 10/05/2010 13:07

I think you're just going to have to tell them like Pag said

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 13:08

cant you just ignore them? rather than getting all het up, just IGNORE them! a few messages and phone calls later they'll get the message. If she did say what she said you are well within your rights.

JaneS · 10/05/2010 13:08

Ok, I understand a bit more if you didn't deliberately set them up (which is how I read the OP). But come on, after 8 years, surely it's not beyond the wit of man to block them out of your life without all the drama? Did we even have facebook 8 years ago, or did you think it was a good idea to have them in touch with you/family on there?

I don't like hearing the details of people's sex lives at work either, but it's not hard to smile and nod and think about something else. Moving company? Now, forgive me, but that sounds strange.

I'm not saying they're not being out of order, I'm saying you seem to be thriving on the conflict a bit more than someone who genuinely didn't care might.

Fluffyvacuity · 10/05/2010 13:16

Farty - I'm fluffy on the inside

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 13:16

I also don't understand why this is still such a drama

Just ignore any attempts to contact you

Block every opportunity to do so

And stop obsessing about it...you sound as bad as them

Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:24

Yeah anyfucker, one post following something coming out of the blue after 8 years, totally obsessing.[hmmm] if you want to be truly cutting, read the full thread, they are contacting my family,this isn't about a high school type facebook war, they are already blocked on there.

Shame I can't block you

OP posts:
Fluffyvacuity · 10/05/2010 13:26

SHE'S NOT FUCKING OBSESSING ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'll get my coat

AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 13:29

Have you told them in no uncertain terms what you have said here ?

And you haven't properly blocked them on FB if they are still able to contact you and your family

The way you tell it, it seems like this should be a police matter, tbh

If you feel so strongly about it, get them done for harassment

tinkletinklelittlestar · 10/05/2010 13:32

Be polite. State that you do not want any contact from them. In the meantime, block them from anything like Facebook.

If they persist, don't be so polite.

My step-dad's then separated wife (now ex) kept ringing my mum's house (oddly she had bought it from their son so she had the phone number) and being very abusive. One day she got me on the phone (thinking I was my mum) and I told her to 'fuck off and never call here again'. It worked. My mum changed her number shortly after that.

scurryfunge · 10/05/2010 13:33

Make it clear to them both that you don't want any further contact and don't get into any dialogue with them after that. If they contact you, make a recoed and contact Police. It is harassment.

ViveLeCliche · 10/05/2010 13:34

Am just wondering if the ex-boss isn't someone who thrives on the drama of it all - e.g. lost her previous friendships while dating ex-con - and also is harbouring some deep insecurities about being the rebound woman, even after 8 years (which of course she is not if it has lasted 8 years but the nastiness of the early contact suggests she resented you early on.) Maybe she genuinely regrets that and wants to apologise - maybe she can only conduct relationships while alienating friendships because it's 'romantic.'

I wouldn't be happy to hear the intimate details of my boss's sex life no matter who they were shagging but I think it would be especially insensitive to keep wittering on about it at work to my boyfriend's ex.

She sounds a bit drama-hungry. I would send the ex a message on FB asking them to get on with their lives, as you have with yours, that you wish them no ill but have no intention of inviting people who think it's normal to leave death threats as their Christmas greeting back into your life and that if he or she makes any further attempts to get in touch with you either directly or through family you will consider it harassment and be contacting the police.

And then block them both on FB so there can be no right of reply.

scurryfunge · 10/05/2010 13:34

record*

Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:50

Thanks guys, for the supportive messages at least.

it's not fb, believe me they are totally blocked as soon as they tried to make contact.

I have decided to post a letter addressed to them at his mums house (she lives in same town as my family - don't have address for actual couple), asking them not to visit my aunty and uncle on the pretext of finding out about me and where I live, my number etc as they are both nearly 70 and don't need the hassle, I'm also going to stipulate that they stop using my cousins in social settings to tap them for info and making them uncomfortable too. I think it's about time I told my cousins my side of the story too, so they know why I don't want to know.

I'm going to try and keep it as polite as possible so thanks for some of the quotes on here, I'll be stealing those for my missive, they are really useful.

OKAY I'm gonna stop this thread and move onto more interesting things, and suggest you all do too! Thanks for the help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 13:54

re-read your OP, FT

you said they had re-opened contact through FB

"8 years later they keep contacting me and my family through FaceBook..."

I don't wish to pick, but you did say that

Anyway, good luck to you

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2010 13:54

Yup, send a letter telling them you do not want any contact from them and if they continue to pester your relatives you will take legal action against them. If your cousins, etc, are already uncomfortable, tell them that this couple are people you want no contact with, not friends of yours and that the cousins have your full permission to tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.

Casserole · 10/05/2010 13:56

You're just perpetuating the drama.

Original poster
fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:59

Ah anyfucker, the devious case of the missing comma:

8 years later they keep contacting my family or me through facebook

should have read

8 years later they keep contacting my family, or me through facebook

(Eats, shoots, and leaves)
Thank you and goodnight!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2010 14:12
Grin