To have another child

[3kidsandwouldlikeanother]

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks a few months ago. It was a planned pregnancy and I was really upset and disappointed when I miscarried. My dh has now said he doesn't want anymore children. We already have 3 lovely children and we wanted a 4th. We have a lovely home, good marriage and whilst we're far from loaded we're comfortable. I don't want to deliberately get pregnant but can't help the way I feel. When i got pregnant 4th time round I felt that 4 was enough and had I had a baby I would have not had anymore. I have explained my feelings and have asked him why he's so dead against it. He hasn't really given a reason. I don't want to keep nagging him and bringing the same subject up, but i can't help but feel really angry.

Do you think he is worried about you miscarrying again? How did he cope with it at the time?

May be it was the trauma and upset of the miscarriage, he may worry about having to go through it all again if this goes wrong. If your other 3 dc are fit and healthy maybe he thinks that hoping for a 4th without any problems is pushing your luck. There isn't an easy answer to this except by talking to him. May be suggest you leave it for a while before you try again.

Sorry for your loss

Maybe the MC has upset him far more than you realise, and seeing you so upset and disappointed has made him turn against the idea in case it happened again? Was it a completely equal decision to have a fourth child, or is it possible that he wasn't as keen as you? I'm really sorry if that sounds mean, it's not supposed to.

I think you need to give him more time and try to discuss it, but definitely not so that he feels he's being nagged about it. Because if he does then change his mind, you might always have a doubt in the back of your mind that he'd only agreed because he'd been pressured into it, and that's not a happy situation.

I hope you get it all sorted out happily for the both of you very soon.

Thanks for your replies. My 2nd a 3rd dc are twins and took about 3 years to conceive and although Iconceived them naturally, part of me didn't really think I'd get pregnant again. We kind of thought if I get pregnant again, great if not we've got 3 happy, healthy kids to be grateful for. My dh was happy when I told him I was pregnant (taken about 2 years this time.) When i miscarried I was worried about the baby not me, whereas he was more concerned about me and not the baby, which I understand. He was probably if I'm honest, more upset for my disappointment then his own. He is also the kind of person that if I don't talk about it, he won't mention it. He doesn't really show his emotions. I've asked him how he feels but he says it's a shame and thats about it.

Same happened to me and for dh it was all about not wanting to see me go through the pain etc again and that with 3 healthy chidren we should be gratefull.

We did start to try again but before anything had a chance he changed his mind and asked that we persue adoption/fostering. Ending my having children time on a misscarraige just doesn't sit well for me. We started to foster and then last year I got preg by accident and he was overjoyed but again it didn't last and I misscarried. We have now left it as a maybe one day but unlikely and dh is even unhappy with looking at adopting.

I think if I pushed it I could persuade him to try again as I know he would be happy if it worked but as I don't have that garantee it will I don't feel I can, also I have left it too long now.

I would really push him to discuss it properly, let him know again how you feel and that you WANT to know how he feels. If he is resistant raise the issue of the misscarraige and how it may of made him feel. I think women tend to get boosted by their maternal hormones and look at their healthy kids and assume the next will be ok too. Where as men look at their healthy children and think they are pushing their luck by having more, they then start to worry about all that could go wrong the hard times they bring, the money ands so it goes on, it is not really untill they see their new baby that their paternal hormones kick in. It may be that a full conversation relaxes his fears and you get to try again or you may have to except that is it but at least you will of worked it out together.

If he still says no, I can tell you your feelings will fade even though it doesn't feel like it. When I started the discussion 4 years ago I could think of nothing else and would regularly cry but now most days I don't think about it. It also helps to hold on to the idea of never say never ;)