Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

by eloping?

31 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 09/05/2010 22:55

A number of reasons lie behind it:

Money (or lack of)

Me hating attention

CBA with organizing it

We already have kids and have been engaged for a while

I'm pregnant

Our families' are not your typical 2.4 nuclear sort

SIL is having a big wedding doo next year

A typical wedding is a long day that I could never enjoy whilst running around after 2 kids

I hate other peoples' weddings and frequently decline invites/escape early

I know people are going to get a cob on with us but does it really matter? Should the day just be about getting married, declaring our love for one another bla bla bla or should it have to include family and friends who have shared it with us along the way?

OP posts:
LovelyDear · 09/05/2010 22:58

we did it - lots of reasons, big complicated families, dad recently died and didn't want a sad day, already had child, money...., we just sloped off one day with a couple of friends who noone else knew, so noone would feel overlooked, then went to families the next weekend and said, we did it, we hope you understand, and everyone seemed perfectly happy. i have very very fond memories of the day and am totally glad we did it this way.

pjmama · 09/05/2010 22:59

I'm firmly of the opinion that it's your wedding and you should do what makes you happy. So I guess it depends on whether the desire for a quiet wedding is worth dealing with any subsquent fallout?

Nuggets · 09/05/2010 23:02

Elope and then have a party when you get back (or a meal for close family and friends). The day is about you, your dp and your vows and not your family! Keep it quiet and enjoy!

fartytowels · 09/05/2010 23:02

Go for it, we told no-one and went to Barbados, mainly due to psycho ex-wife of dh.

Had a two year old, and hate the fuss of it.

We had a blast, some people were annoyed but the people who cared were happy.

Have turned down an invite for one of my lifetime friends bacause his future wife has been a bitch to me since day one. We are the only couple with a DC invited and they have made it a no kids wedding, because they didn't have room to fit in my DS who is 5. Their "little princess" age 2 is of course going to be the centre of attention.

So I weighed up with hubby, did I want to spend £200 on a hotel room, £100 on petrol, £500 on outfits, he needs suit, I need new everything, £90 on overnight babysitter, £80 donation to their kitchen extension, £100 for drinks etc. only to sit there and be bitched about by future brides catty mates.

Err..nope. I, like you, cannot stand bloody weddings...

AnyFucker · 09/05/2010 23:03

your wedding, your partner, your family....your choice

don't be guilt-tripped

tacticalfloosy · 09/05/2010 23:08

Eloping is max romantic and any sensible family or friend should tbh be relieved (I do love weddings but have decided I'd be really rather happy if no-one I know ever gets married again). Have a lovely time.

noeyedear · 09/05/2010 23:13

I was partly the same as you- wasn't really that bothered about a massive wedding, was and still am of the opinion that the wedding day is just a small part of the marriage. I had a lovely small register office wedding with all my close friends and family, and then a big church wedding for the sake of my parents which meant much less to me. I still wish I hadn't done it. I don't celebrate the anniversary,I don't have wedding pictures up. We didn't have a honeymoon because the wedding was abroad. I had our DS 10 months later, so that was the last chance we will have for about 20 years of a big holiday with just the two of us. I love travelling and would have loved to have memories of a fabulous holiday instead. I wish I'd done it my way and dealt with the fallout at the time. Time passes and people forget.You are the only people who need to have special memories of your wedding. Do it your way.

LostArtOfKeepingASecret · 09/05/2010 23:23

Please do what makes you happiest.

I wanted to elope, but gave into pressure and had a small wedding. My mum ended up being really negative about it, and my MIL kept ringing and say 'just to be clear - are you sure Aunt Maude isn't invited, she will be so disappointed' and 'I don't know how I'm going to break it to cousin Derek that he isn't coming after all'.
On top of that, relations between my mum and IL broke down to such a point that they were barely talking on the day. I could go on and on!

I wish we had eloped. Maybe next time I will (I like to keep DH on his toes)

SirBoobAlot · 09/05/2010 23:27

You have to do what is right for you, and what you would enjoy most - go for it

gomummygo · 09/05/2010 23:37

We eloped, told NO ONE, it was the best decision we ever made. We had the time of our lives and it was about focusing on our marriage, truly a magical experience.

Do what you both want to do and absolutely do not be pressured by anyone else.

teafortwo · 09/05/2010 23:58

CONGRATULATIONS *
YANBU

We eloped too... we wrote letters to our nearest and dearest saying that we were opting out of the big wedding thing because it isn't our thing to be all formal and centre of attention.

In the letters we sent we acknowledged that weddings are about more than the love between two people and that generally they also celebrate friendship and family too. For each person we suggested an alternative celebration of how much they mean to us too - something that reflected both who we are and what is important to our relationship. My friend who I walk her dog with, well, we took her dog for a walk together, we went out for dinner with a group of close mates, I organised a chilled out bbq for my Mum and her family and we took my Nanna to her favourite teashop.

We hired a photographer to take some pics of our family just after we got married and gave them to our parents. My Uncle and Aunty who also eloped told us that they had done this and thoroughly recommended we did the same! They were so right it is a good idea because it made our parents feel included.

YetAnotherMum · 10/05/2010 00:11

YANBU... However we did this and you would not believe the abuse we had from my PIL and in fact my entire family of new in-laws. My MIL went absolutely mad when my DH rang her to tell her our good news and ended up getting her whole family to ring us, write to us, etc telling us how upset we had made her. She even sent a nasty letter to my mum, who had known nothing about it.

This was after us living together for years first, and always telling everyone we would not be having a wedding. She has three more children who had all already had huge weddings.

We ended up having to apologise and send flowers, etc just to get some sort of closure on the issue. Even now, more than twenty years later the issue is not resolved and won't ever be.

I still think we did the right thing though, as the MIL would have ruined any wedding we had with her interfering anyway. However the year after the wedding was the most stressful of my life!

commeuneimage · 10/05/2010 07:10

I think eloping is a brilliant idea and I'm definitely going to do it if I get remarried. Very best of luck to you.

mumoffraser · 10/05/2010 07:38

We did the same for some of the same reasons and I have never regretted it. We still got lots of gifts afterwards which I never expected and people were very kind & pleased. Go for it

Kathyjelly · 10/05/2010 07:58

It's your wedding. Do whatever makes you happy. People will understand and it will give them something to talk about.

I know someone who got married at the registry office at lunchtime and went back to work in the afternoon. Not my idea of fun but that's what she wanted so good luck to her.

marriednotdead · 10/05/2010 07:58

As others have said, it's your choice and although you may get a few objectors it's still worth it. The people that really care about you both will understand, even if they are a little disappointed at missing the day. It seems to be a unanimous vote!
Good on you for being brave enough to buck convention

RunawayWife · 10/05/2010 08:10

Your day your way, do what ever makes you happy

MmeLindt · 10/05/2010 08:17

Congratulations. Yes, do what you feel is best for you.

Do you have any idea how your family will react? A friend eloped and her Mum was so hurt that she did not speak to her for years. Massive overreaction obviously, but perhaps could be avoided by a nice chat beforehand.

LesbianMummy1 · 10/05/2010 08:19

We did not elope but 18 days ago we went to the registry office with two witnesses and then went for lunch after lunch we phoned everybody and invited them round for a party telling them why then. There were a couple of people who moaned a little bit my sister and one of dp's sisters but after initial shock everybody was happy and pleased. I definitely recommend doing it that way there was no stress, it was not expensive, and the day was exactly as we wanted! Good luck!

weegiemum · 10/05/2010 08:21

We have a holiday cottage we rent out and one couple came and when they got there asked if we were doing anything later in the week as they needed witnesses for their wedding!

So I went in their car with them, dh nipped out of work for a couple of hours, we went and witnessed the wedding and then they took us out for a nice lunch.

DH went back to work, I got the bus home and they went on to the beach (gorgeous sunny day in the Outer Hebrides) to take pictures and I put roses and champgne into the cottage for them.

They came back the next year with new baby!

They sent flowers to both their Mums the day after to announce it and said they got no hassle, especially as they had got pictures of it.

I'd consider it if I was ever getting married again!!!

FakePlasticTrees · 10/05/2010 08:22

if it's what you want to do, go for it, but family will be upset.

Could you take just both sets of parents with you or is it a bit too complex for that?

throwing a big party afterwards is a good idea and allows family to have their 'event'. (and gives you a chance to wear your dress again!)

imahappycamper · 10/05/2010 11:02

Friends of ours went to work in the morning (they worked at the same place) got married in the afternoon and asked all their friends to pop round in the evening. We got there to find out they were married and to share the cake. They had both been married before and had big weddings they had regretted.
They are still happily married 10+ years later. The wedding isn't the main thing. Many people spend thousands on a big wedding and end up regretting it.
Do what you want to do and don't let anyone else put pressure on.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 10/05/2010 13:16

Just do it. You don't need to run off - just go to the registry office with 2 mates.

Me and DP have been contemplating this too as we CBA with all the family bollocks. His side so many aunties and cousins and sprogs its unreal; and mine are not nearby so, best if we just go to a nice registry office I reckon.

missfeebs · 10/05/2010 13:19

After reading this thread i'm going to suggest to dp that we elope.
we are about to set a dateand when he told his mum she said
A)They would only come if we paid their travelling expenses.
B)We would have to pay for their
accomodation for the weekend.
C)We had to buy their wedding outfits.
D)My dp had to give them money to buy gifts or we wouldn't get anything.
All this applied for his family so we would be paying for 9 people.

minipie · 10/05/2010 13:21

YANBU - no need to have a big do whatsoever.

BUT as others have said, your parents might well be hurt if they are left out, so best to include them in some way if possible? If not the ceremony, then maybe a celebratory meal somewhere afterwards?