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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell xp's mum not to cut my ds hair?

39 replies

VinegarTits · 09/05/2010 19:19

She send me a message last night:

'i have cut dgs hair, just give it a little trim as it was in his eyes, he said the scissors were hurting his hair, gosh i marvel at how you persuade him to ever get his hair cut'

i saw red so i sent the following

' i know you mean well, but i have already arranged for the hairdresser to come and cut it on Monday evening, so i wish you would have asked me first'

xp dropped ds off today and said she has been in tears and i have over reacted

WIBU?

Fully prepared to be told i am, and have already apologised for upsetting her

OP posts:
Original poster
VinegarTits · 09/05/2010 19:57

and if xp wanted him to have a hair cut, i would much rather he take him to a hair dresser and pay for it to be cut properly

OP posts:
JennyWren · 09/05/2010 20:09

Actually, I am right with you on this one. My MIL cut my DD's fringe not once, but twice, in very similar circumstances, and she did a poor job of it. She was looking after my daughter for the day both times, but had seen me in the morning and not mentioned a word. The first time I did my best not to over-react and just said what you did: "Actually, we have an appointment at the hairdressers on Tuesday, could you please not do it again as I prefer she has it done alongside me at the hairdresser - she loves the experience and they are great with her." The second time, I went mad. I said hello and saw what she had done and took myself off to my bedroom and called my DH - his mother, his conversation! I told him how angry I was, not just that she had done it when it really wasn't her place to do so, but that she had done it when I had expressly asked her not to do so again. Usually we get on really well, and whilst she does do things that I wouldn't necessarily do myself, I appreciate that my PIL and my DC have a fantastic relationship and she does have their best interests very much at heart. But this was too much, because to me it felt disrespectful. My DH did come home (he was already on his way when I called) and spoke to her and she was embarrassed and upset, but apologised - it seems that my previous 'chat' had just washed over her... We made it up, and she has never done it again, but although I didn't enjoy the fact that she was upset, I had to get it out in the open - to not be clear where your boundaries lie leaves room for too much upset further down the line... we're fine now though - we were as soon as we'd had it out, really, so in the long run it was probably a good thing.

marriednotdead · 09/05/2010 20:14

YANBU. I would not appreciate anyone cutting my dcs hair without my PRIOR consent/knowledge. Your xp should take control of his mother! Your response to her was perfectly reasonable- not sure mine would have been so polite

DreamsInBinary · 09/05/2010 20:22

YANBU

She overstepped the mark by cutting his hair - whether she meant to or not. You were polite and reasonable.

Her reaction to your text was very unreasonable. And manipulative.

grapesandmoregrapes · 09/05/2010 20:30

aaw bless him. where does XP stand in all this?

pearlym · 09/05/2010 20:33

Wrong thing for her to do, I would probably bea bit ticked off if DH took my 2 DDs for haircut wihtout discussing it with me. No reason for her to get so upset if that is what you said to her, must be really hard as she prob does means well - get XP to sya something ot her to smooth it over

mumbar · 09/05/2010 20:55

YANBU but re reading text she sent to you it does sound as if shes praising you for being able to get him to have it done.

Greensleeves · 09/05/2010 20:57

your mistake was in not complaining the first time she did it VT

I would text her and say "I'm sorry I upset you, I know you didn't mean any harm, but please don't cut his hair again without asking me first"

and then leave it at that - if she wants to make a big emotional beanfeast out of it, let dp soak it up.

CrankyTwanky · 09/05/2010 22:17

Nooo YANBU.

I would be distraught if anyone cut my DCs hair without my permision. Something I'm quite funny about, actually.

It's too personal.

Magaly · 09/05/2010 22:20

i'd have been very annoyed if my xmil did this... put imaac in a bottle of conditioner and give it to her for christmas

JaynieB · 09/05/2010 22:25

YANBU - I'd have been really annoyed if anyone (probably including DP) touched DD's hair without asking me.
I'd be tempted to also ask xp to make it clear that you don't want her to do this again.

zipzap · 09/05/2010 22:34

Next time you see her, take your scissors with you and start trimming her fringe without asking her and see how she likes it

OK so I know that it is unlikely to ever happen in real life but it might be a nice daydream that helps to vent your anger...

You say that she has taken quite a lot off; do you actually like what she has done or has she made a mess of it or done something completely different to what you would have done?

If she has messed up at all then if your xp brings it up again, I would tell him that actually you have been very restrained, his mother took it upon herself to do something way beyond normal granny duties without even asking and all you did was to ask her to have asked you first - she is the one over reacting to your very reasonable request. And that out of respect for her at least you haven't told her what an absolute mess she has made of the job, how dreadful it looks etc - but that she is the one that has upset you. Why should your upset be less important than hers when she is the one in the wrong?

And make sure you take a very unflattering pic of your ds and label it as 'granny's attempt at a hair cut - not letting her try this again and upsetting mummy and ds so much' or something similar to keep in your photo album so that you can either laugh about it later, embarrass your ds in later life with it or get pointed message across to you mil if she ever sees it.

don't think you are being at all unreasonable, think your MIL was completely unreasonable.

larks35 · 09/05/2010 22:37

Gawd magaly that's harsh!

YANBU and your message was fine. Why not phone and speak to her about it? Clear the air and set the boundaries like jennywren did with her mil.

FWIW, DP cut my DS's hair first when he was 9mo or so, I was gutted, I really wanted him to grow a longish, seventiesish mop of hair. I realise now that I was just projecting a "look" on my babe and actually he's better off with a trim every now and then. I

Magaly · 09/05/2010 23:15

yeah I was joking!! (or was I? [evil laugh])

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