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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to know where my son stays?

20 replies

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 09/05/2010 00:11

OK, so not from me but the title sounded better!

My friend split up with the father of her son a year ago. He has the little boy at weekends but has recently moved and is refusing to tell my friend where he lives. She has said that he cannot see the boy until she knows where exactly he will be staying. He has said he will take her to court for access but wont the second thing listed on his papers be his address and therefore, job done, she'll know it anyway?

Is she being unreasonable in denying a good father access to his son for not giving his address?

Is he being unreasonable for not giving it to her and prefering to not see his son rather than to tell her?

OP posts:

Vallhala · 09/05/2010 00:14

No she is not BU. He is playing power games, using the litte boy to control your friend's emotions and hurt her.

I'd call his bluff. NO WAY would I let my child go if I didn't know where he was.

moonstorm · 09/05/2010 10:56

SIDNBU

Amandoh · 09/05/2010 11:00

She's not being unreasonable but why does her ex-husband not want her to know his address?

Does she have a habit of turning up and making a nuisance of herself?

furious27 · 09/05/2010 11:23

No she is not being unreasonable - she needs to know where her son will be. It is totally unreasonable of him to think this is acceptable UNLESS she is a stalker.

diddl · 09/05/2010 11:33

Why does she need his address though?

If he is contactable by phone isn´t that enough?

OTTMummA · 09/05/2010 12:32

i wouldn't let my son go anywhere unless i knew where ( the address )
He is being a major ass, unless she is like others have said, a nuisance, but still he would have to take her to court and prove that, but still i can't see why a court would let him get away with witholding his address, they would probably just give a restraining order so she couldn't approach the property etc.

phone isn't enough, each parent has a right to know where the child is living/staying whilst with the other parent.

Thediaryofanobody · 09/05/2010 12:51

YABU there is no way I'd allow my child to go away for a weekend and not know where he is, this man is playing power games and sounds like a bully.

SugarMousePink · 09/05/2010 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 09/05/2010 16:40

I've been divorced for several years. My ex and I tell each other vaguely what we're up to if asked, but I don't feel I have a "right" to know where he is with the kids at all times any more than he has. Plans can change anyway. On the other hand we have always known where the other lives and haven't deliberately refused to tell each other stuff.
Not telling her the address sounds very childish, and if she did decide to stop access until he told her then the court would think he was behaving stupidly. If he was late bringing the boy back she wouldn't know where to go to find him.
Has she been hassling him alot that he feels the need to not tell her?
When you only have 1 side of the story it's hard to know why a situation has occurred.
Is the boy generally happy with his dad? If so I'd be reluctant to stop access for the boy's sake. He's more important than the adults. I wonder what has led to this silly situation.

123andaway · 09/05/2010 18:13

Well my first though was that she is definitely NBU. Then it occured to me that my XH has recently started taking the DC's to his new partners house instead of his and I have absolutely no idea where she lives! That said mine are older (11,9+7), I trust XH, and I have mobile phone numbers for XH and his partner. But no your friend is NBU, she has every right to know where her son is staying and her X is being a complete cock not telling her.

Nymphadora · 09/05/2010 18:48

Its not the knowing every second but I don't think she is BU to want to know where he is sleeping.

Also if he is reacting like that then will he answer a phone?

piscesmoon · 09/05/2010 18:57

YANBU-they are still parents in common and have to have a working partnership as parents.

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 09/05/2010 22:47

She's not a stalker, no. She has a new partner and would probably never go to the ex's house in a milliuon years. I think the new partner is the reason why he wont give his address, even though they have never spoke or met strange men.
It was just when she asked in passing where he was moving to, he wouldn't answer so she asked again and he still wouldn't answer. His reason is 'it's none of your business' She probably couldn't care less where he lived, she knows he is looked after it's just his evasiveness on the subject. I am sooo tempted to follow him, he seems at best childish and at worst like he has something to hide.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 09/05/2010 23:14

It's NBU to want to know, but I think she might be on slightly dodgy ground to insist along with the threat of stopping contact. I'm not sure a court would back that up. If both parents have PR then absent any orders to the contrary I think the only thing a court would insist on is an emergency contact number,.

Does the mother always tell the father where their son is sleeping if he goes for a sleep-over with friends or relatives?

Tryharder · 10/05/2010 08:41

How old is the child? I don't think SIBU. She needs to know where the child is in case of an emergency. What if something happened to the XP and the child was left alone and no-one knew where he was???

I wouldn't trust someone with my child who was so unhinged that he wouldn't give me his address - it's pathetic.

Lonnie · 10/05/2010 08:45

Providing there is no issues that we do not know about (such as abusive behaviour or a court order to permit them to not give out such personal details) then no your friend is NBU to want to know where her x lives.

However if the above is the case then yes she IBU.

Assuming it is the first then i would simply suggest to her to get in contact with her solicitor a quick letter to the dad will likely change his tune very fast

gingernutlover · 10/05/2010 08:50

she has main residency of the child I assume, therefore surely she has the right to know where he is staying at weekends - it would look very supicious to any court that the ex doesnt want her to know where her son is at weekends. There are too many stories of exes dissapearign with the children for my liking, happened to my cousin and his mother found him by the skin of the teeth.

A mother has the right to know where anyone is taking her child on a regular basis.

To the person that said the ex wouldnt know where his son was when sleeping over at friends - no he wouldn't, unless he asked would he? No one has said that the OP's freind would withold that information though.

Tryharder · 10/05/2010 09:07

Agree with Gingernutlover. If the X has a major grudge against the OP's friend, who knows if he wouldn't take it out on the child or use the child to get at her.

OK, I know it's unlikely/rare but it happens.

Original poster

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 10/05/2010 13:08

Hi, it started when he said he couldn't have the boy last weekend as he was moving that weekend. She said 'oh, where to?' in passing, the area would've done, I suppose, she doesn't drop or collect him, she didn't ask for the address, but got the reply 'none of your business' which made her wonder what he was hiding. That's the reply she has had ever since. She trusts him implicitly with her son, he is a good dad but it's just his utter refusal to tell her where he is that is nagging at her.
She is not allowing him to take him tonight until she knows exactly where he is staying. She wants to drop him off herself now which never would've happened had he just said 'the estate at the back of tescos' or 'Higher Lane' sort of thing.

OP posts:

TiggyR · 10/05/2010 13:26

I thbik it's essential and not at all unreasonable to to need to know where her DS is, but I am that her Ex won't tell her, and I'm wondering if she's been behaving like a bit of bunny boiler who won't let go? Sorry, but it makes you wonder!

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