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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate it when people wag fingers at frightened pregnant women and say

41 replies

poshsinglemum · 08/05/2010 22:06

''Well you should have used contraception'' if their child was unplanned.
Aaaaaagggggr- state the flipping obvious but accidents happen, people get carried away and men leave pregnant women. It's happened to me ; pregnant women need support not judgement if they don't know what to do.
It is especially disgusting in cases whereby she does want the baby but he dosn't and may be putting pressure on her to abort. As if she knew he would be like that if she did get pregnant.I always thought my ex wanted kids but clearly not with me.
People are so odd about pregnant women as though they are public property. They also assume that a certain type of women is legitimately allowed to breed ie; a middle class woman, preferably in her late twenties and with a supportive, wealthy poartner. Drives me nuts.
I believe that we have to be careful about contraception but fgs- pregnancy isn't always a bad thing you know.

OP posts:

honeydragon · 08/05/2010 23:09

I was a heavily pregnant married 22 year old (am now 31) and on a trip to a hospital the nurse commented (lectured) at least my dad had been around to bring me in -- "that's my husband" pause "well I'll see myself in shall I?"

Mother and baby group "Oh I didn't think you'd be married, what with you saying it was unplanned"

An unplanned pregnancy does not make me an idiotic promiscious twat lady (wish I had said that)

The result a lifelong avoidance of mother and baby groups of any kind.

cornsilk · 08/05/2010 23:26

Mrs bean - tough.

mrsbean78 · 08/05/2010 23:48

cornsilk - ditto.

Casmama · 09/05/2010 00:22

I think perhaps it would be better if people did not go around telling people that their pregnancies are unplanned - by telling people that you are inviting comment.

BritFish · 09/05/2010 01:48

....i dont get it. if your partner does not want a child and you do, that is a difference that defines your relationship, and you need to be with someone who agrees with you.
so if a woman knew this, why is she still with that partner?
if she gets pregnant it's not fair on anyone, the partner for having a child they dont want, the mother for not having her partners support, and the childs for having a parent that doesnt want them.
unpanned pregnancy doesnt make you a promiscuous, slatternly idiot, thats just life. but if one partner wants a child and the other doesnt, why the hell would you stay with that person? you wouldnt force a woman to have a baby, why force her partner?
accidents happen, but in relationships like this HOW are they happening if you disagree on such a massive part of life?
rant over. on certain parts of mumsnet [sort of understandably] there is the indication that having a child is obviously the best thing ever and wanting to be childless makes you mean and selfish. which is the kind of attitude that should NOT be inflicted on our daughters.

and grrrrrrrrr endlessly at judgy old women, my BF was a mum at 24 but looked a lot younger, and she had people in shops tut at her, and had lectures off various aunties etc. we took to wandering around hand in hand, just to confuse the awful people more.
i remember when i was heavily pregnant i was shopping for jewellery and left my wedding ring at home, and this 'woman' in the shop said 'maybe in your circumstances youd like this selection better' pointing me to a tray of nasty cheap rings.
i was

fernie3 · 09/05/2010 08:53

I hate this too. I was very upset last week because of a woman in the shop near my daughters school. I am pregnant and look like there is a small elephant in there, the woman asked me the normal "how long to go "etc and then how many - when I said "fourth" she started tutting and saying "you need to get some bricks" "Ill go get you some bricks" "stop now". I left the shop nearly in tears. I am sure she thought she was hilarious but shes not. Its no one elses business why or how a woman got pregnant in my opinion if you havent got anything nice or helpful to say about it you should just keep your mouth shut.

AmandaCooper · 09/05/2010 10:00

bricks?

fernie3 · 09/05/2010 10:29

I have no idea why bricks - I assume she was thinking for husband she wouldnt shut up about the bricks though.

AmandaCooper · 09/05/2010 10:33

Perhaps she was mentally ill, and says that to everyone!

JennyPiccolo · 09/05/2010 10:34

I've not had any of this, even from my old aunties who offend everyone!

I was totally expecting it though, so i think maybe people don't get their kicks out of trying to offend people who clearly don't give a fuck what they think in the first place.

what's annoying me though- people coming out of the woodwork ive not seen in years just to tell me that everyone else they know is pregnant. don't know why that's grinding my gears but there you go.

CheekyRedWineGirl · 09/05/2010 11:30

When I told my dad I was pg with my 2nd he said 'is it congratulations then or not?' Grrr of course it bleeding is.

JaneS · 09/05/2010 11:59

I think this is really sad. My friend (24, but she is quite young-looking, as is her DP) had a baby recently and at every single ante-natal appointment she was ticked off for having unprotected sex. The baby was planned, for what it's worth, but she shouldn't have been constantly lectured in any case.

xstitch · 09/05/2010 12:13

People had me in tears quite a few times in my pregnant and immediately post pregnant state, especially when I was hit with PND.

My dd was very much wanted and I had several mcs before I had her at 28. In my last trimester I had the problem of having to remove my wedding ring before it needed to be cut off. At my midwife appointment at the local health centre 2 ladies said "Look at that pathetic scrounging, unmarried little tart". The midwife couldn't get any sense out of me for the first half of the appointment throughthe tears.

In the hospital a midwife asked: "wouldn't you have preferred to finish your education before spreading your legs and getting yourself up the duff?" I was more composed this time and asked for another midwife as I couldn't trust the ability of a midwife who appeared to be incapable of even reading my date of birth from the front of my notes.

While feeding my really young dd in a cafe a lady asked me if the guy who got me pregnant had been arrested for doing so. I am so that I burst into tears but proud that my lunch didn't end up on her head (I was hungry after all;).

All of the people who felt the need to comment knew nothing about me. On the plus side it has made me more aware of what I say myself and hopefully less likely to jump to conclusions and say something that will upset someone the same way.

JaneS · 09/05/2010 12:23

xstitch, that's terrible! I am so angry and sad for you.

JennyPiccolo · 09/05/2010 12:29

xstitch that's fucking horrible, you shouldn't have had to go through that.

saslou · 09/05/2010 14:05

xstitch - I am really angry on your behalf.

I was 22 when pg with my first dc and 34 when I gave birth to my 4th. Tbh I think women cannot win. I have been asked countless times whether my dc have been planned because I was a)young or b)the mother of 3 already. It is an outrageous thing to ask someone imo, as socially unacceptable as asking how many times a week you have sex!

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