please can anyone give hope..

[sarahsanta]

please can someone help me. i'm in shock. i have just joined mumsnet. ok: i am a recovering alcoholic. i have been attending AA since 2005, and spent nearly 3 years sober before deciding that i probably didn't ned to keep goingt to AA anymore (very silly). At xmas just gone, i foolishly started drinking again. by March this year it was uncontrollable and i had to ask my mother for some assistance with my 3 year old to ensure she was safe and happy while i worked on stopping drinking again. My 3 year old sees her father every weekend and we have set this up with out court involvement. we both have parental responsibility. my daughters dad is in AA like myself. he is 3 years sober. at the end of April this year i drank heavily and phoned my ex partner to come and collect my daughter at 10pm because i wanted her to be safe. i handed her over to him that night so that i could spend the following few days attending as many AA meetings as possible. I stopped drinking (through the towel in), and got straight back to AA. My daughter was still with her father, and he took her down to the seaside for a holiday to his parents which had been long planned. My daughter remained with her grand parents while my ex partner return in order to attend his AA meetings. Last tuesday he attended an AA meeting holding hands with a girl we mutually know. unfortunately and STUPIDLY, i got upset by this, and for the first time in my entire life.... i hit someone, him. i then went home. on wednesday this week, the police knocked my door and arrested me. it was such a strange experience, because i have never been introuble in my life! equally, you can't go around hitting people. they said it was domestic violence. on returning home that day, a man approached me and handed me papers. my ex has gone for full residence order and a prohibited steps order. the court date to confirm this is may 24th!! he made a statement saying that i was aggressive in drink and that my daughter was in danger. unfortunately he also has evidence of nasty texts that i have sent to him through out the year for various reasons. my behaviour has been unquestionable inappropriate, and i have to accept that. however, i am on the floor, distraut that my beautiful little girl, who needs her mummy, is being taken away!! PLEASE HELP. will i get her back, based on my behaviour above?? please give me some advice. i am going to see if i can get legal aid on monday, but someone please give me some hope PLEASE...

I just don't know I'm sorry

sure someone else will though xx

I hope things work out for you , i really do

my knee jerk reaciton is that you need help and support and if you are on and off drinking and you hvae also become violent, even if it is only once, and nasty texts..then i think it is right that your ex is taking steps to safeguard his child ..
your daughter needs her mummy, yes, absolutely, and she needs a sober mummy who does not punch her daddy when she is cross.

i have no idea what the courts will decide, i hope it is what is best for you daughter and i wish you luck in stopping drinking full stop

A bit hypocritical of him if he's also a recovering alcoholic. Perhaps you could approach him personally, apologise for hitting him and suggest that grandparents should have residency of your little girl until both of you get clean/sober. That is, if grandparents will go along with that.

If he is your ex, he has every right to hold hands with whoever he likes, doesn't he?

Let this be your wake up call re alcohol.

I haven't got any useful advice, but wanted to respond to say that AIBU is not the best place to post this. AIBU is a bear pit and what you need is sensible advice from people who have been in anything like your situation and/or have knowledge of the law.

Try posting in lone parents or legal matters. I hope you can find someone who can advise you.

if your drinking was uncontrollable in march, how is it going now? are you still going to meetings etc?

i presume showing that you are taking committed long term steps to control your drinking will be a good thing

also, try CAB for free legal advice and they should also be able to point oyu in the direction of a good lawyer

Approach a solicitors and they can decide whether or not to accept your case either pro bono or via legal aid.

Keep calm, and continue going to the AA meetings, you'll need evidence that you're doing the best you can. The "hitting" was out of character for you, I'm sure. Were you charged with anything at the police station?

oh god Sarah, what a nightmare! i'm really sorry this is happening
FIRST THING monday see your gp and solicitor.
you need to take control of your life straight away, and this needs to be evidenced. maybe the gp can give you med with which you will be ill if you drink? they can also refer you to a specialist service who can monitor your progress.
does your home town have a drop in centre? they can give fantastic support.
can anyone from AA verify the pressure you were under?
as for hope: my best friend was in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, and would hit the bottle alot. he played her like a pack of cards - he would mess with her head, knowing she's go straight out for a bottle, then he'd call the police and social services. they have had social services involvement and have been through the court system. she still has her dc with her. i'm not going to lie, she did come close to losing them, but when she wised up and started working really hard to make changes the authorities gave her the respect she deserved, because she earned it.
there is hope, and you will have to work hard for it, but you can do it.
ask for support here anytime x

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to read this and not respond. I hope someone with more experience will come along soon with proper concrete advice. Off the top of my head, I think you should concentrate on getting properly sober as this is what you need to do for your health and is the way to ensure you get to have contact with your daughter . Has your ex given any indication that he will want permanent custody even if you sort yourself out. I think he is trying to do the best thing for your child and she is with her dad, who loves her, and can look after her. You know that you can't do this yourself right now. The courts will recognize that alcoholism is an illness and I'm sure you will be allowed to see her. I wish you the best of luck in getting and staying sober

I agree AIBU isn't the place for this. You are clearly very strong and have tried very hard: you got sober for a long time and that is a huge achievement.

But you have to be honest now. You hit someone. I am concerned that you say that when the police were called, 'they said it was domestic violence'. You must know that it is domestic violence to hit someone with the intention of hurting them.

Prohibitive steps for what hun?

The court date will be an initial hearing in which a temporary order may be made pending reports.

There is a legal aid calculator on line www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk, sorry am to rubbish to do link! Have a look if you can get legal aid and come back to let me know so we can make a plan for tomorrow.

Ok, you clearly regret what happened and accept responsibility - you need to hammer this to the authorities - show that you are willing to accept help, that you are taking steps to get better for yourself and your daughter and you are willing to seek whatever help is necessary to address any issues you may have of aggression when in drink. Don't minimise anything that has happened and co operate with whatever you are advised to do....... Get yourself a solicitor who specialises in family law.........
Good luck and get well........

Sarah, sorry you are having such a tough time - it sounds like things have been difficult for you for a while now.

Like others have said, you DO need to try and get a solicitor.
You have until the 24th May to try and get a good case together - you need to get supporting evidence from as many professionals as you can re the welfare of your daughter when in your care.
-GP
-Nursery/playgroup
-Safe Start
-Social Worker
-Community Drug and Alcohol Team
-Church

It is really hard for you, but family courts will look at what is best for your daughter, not what is best for you.

It is very, very unlikely that a permanent decision will be made at the first hearing, but to give your daughter stability, whilst you work on staying sober, and long-term decisions are reached, the court may give your exp an Interim Residence Order.

I also agree that you might want to post this tread in the Legal section.

You are so brave to have been this honest and for what it's worth you have my respect for that.

It's not going to be an easy time for you, but I agree totally with insertexpletive, it is really unlikely a final and binding decision will be reached on the 24th.

If You want to , you can use this as an opportunity to move yourself forward, prove that you have the welfare of you daughter at the centre of everything. Accept you have made mistakes and demonstrate how you are going to do things differently.

Never forget this is about the welfare of your daughter, co-operate and apply yourself to the recommendations and you will be fine in the end.

FWIW my ex doesn't have a single bone of humility in him and that is doing him no favours with Court Appearences over residency. Judges aren't looking to punish people for mistakes, but to make the best, safest choices for children.

Good luck,

I agree you need a good solicitor... do you know any through AA who would help you out?

But really, I think you need to keep going to AA and doing everything possible to stop drinking... and get it documented that you have.