To not want to see my in laws too frequently (long)

[Bensmum76]

First of all may I please ask you all to be gentle with me. I am extremely upset by all this and need some genuine advice not a telling off! .
My DH and i have been together for 8 years and have a 2.6 year old DS, my family have always been very private and keep to themselves. I have only just started contact with my dad again after a falling out when I was 12 (my parents divorced when I was 2) and I do not have contact with most of my mums side of the family so its pretty much just me, my mum and my sister. My Dh family are huge and very very close, on first meeting them I was completely overwhelmed and throughout the years have tried my best to be sociable but it is a struggle as I can be very shy and hate being the centre of attention. I am trying to bring my DS up differently and make sure he sees my DH's family at least every other weekend.
My DH's grandma has just called to ask me if I like her as I don't seem to want to talk to her and she can 'feel' it. I have reassured her and explained the above but am devastated to think that she could have thought this and has apparently thought it for a long time. I can imagine that she would have spoken to my DH's family about it and just want to hide away and avoid them all now.
I suffer quite badly from depression and had post natal depression until around a year ago so am very sensitive anyway, and this has made me want to run away and kind of confirms what I've always thought - I should never have gotten married in the first place as I always knew I'd struggle with in laws etc.... has anyone else found this?

Are you saying you wish you were on your own and didn't have either dh or ds?
I can understand that you might be upset by a phone call that was so direct but maybe having explained all the above it may clear the air for you. Did you explain the depression to dh's grandma too? I am also shy and often found myself in large family gatherings on dh's side making the cups of tea and clearing up so I didn't have to speak very much. It is not that I don't like them either, just like you I'm quite private and want to choose who I open up to. I don't have any advice really, just wanted to say that I understand. Well done for trying to bring your ds up differently, that shows what a nice, considerate person you are.

It sounds to me as if your DH's grandmother was telephoning you out of genuine concern for you; you say you suffer from depression, and, to be honest, it sounds as if you have acquired the habit of shutting yourself away in a very small family unit during childhood and haven't really learned to open up to others. Maybe your DH's family, with its sociable, open and concerned-for-others ways, is just the thing you need to get you to open up? Why don't you try meeting up with your DH's grandmother on your own, with you DS, and try to have a chat? She sounds lovely...

I would use it to be very honest and explain that you find it difficult. I'm sure that you don't really mean that you wouldn't want DH and DS-do you?
When you married DH you got his family too. I'm sure that if you spoke to the one that you get on best with (least threatening)and told them it was your problem they would be understanding and help.

And, you know, I'm pretty certain your DH's grandmother wouldn't have rung you like that without really thinking it over and thinking it was for the best. I'm sure she has 100% good intentions. How old is she? She might be old enough to be very experienced and young enough to help you open up a bit... Trust her!

Kudos to your MIL for bringing it up with you directly. It must have been difficult for her to do this, because she would not want to alienate you.

This whole situation must be very difficult for you, but your MIL has taken the first step. Why don't you use this opportunity to reach out to her. Obviously she cares enough (if she didn't she'd just have been rude to you!) Perhaps some short one on one get togethers with her, maybe with your DC as well to help provide some much needed distraction, would help you become more at ease with your MIL. This in turn could help you become more at ease with the rest of the family.

It will push you out of your comfort zone, but be honest with yourself, is that zone really so comfortable???!

Oops, sorry, just realised it was grandma, but still counts!!

If DH's family are very close they won't understand, unless you tell them. I'm sure it would be much easier once you confided in them. They probably think that you are standoffish or they have upset you.If they know, they can make efforts not to be overwhelming-and you can make efforts to get to know them. Take it slowly.

Thanx all for your advice, and it wasn't at all scary! I explained to my Grandma in law that I am very shy and find the whole social family thing overwhelming and that I would hate for anyone to think that I don't like them. She said she is quite sensitive to these things and I explained that I am too. I might speak to my MIL about it. I probably do come across as standoffish - I've had this all my life. People can take it the wrong way when I am quiet.
I dont want to run away from my DH or DS but a tiny bit of me does often think that would be easier. I'm just not very suited to this whole marriage, family thing and am having to go out of comfort zone and make an effort.

Well done-people are generally understanding if you tell them.