to want MIL to stop burdening DP with her marital problems?

[Bimble]

My MIL has been having having a tough time with my FIL. He's a bit of a bully and over the years she hasn't really stood up for herself so he continues to get away with bad behaviour. They are both in their 70's and work really hard as they have a big pile to maintain and no cash to maintain it with and this seems to be the root of their problems. Recently and by this I mean over the last couple of years she is leaning on my DP expecting him to 'have a word' with his father when things get too much for her. His relationship with his father has been compromised by this to the point where they have huge rows and in the most recent one his Dad got physical with him and it's not the first time! DP worries about them constantly and he just doesn't need the agro. MIL complains to me and other family members about him too but doesn't do anything to address the problem directly with him hence my frustration with her. I told after the latest episode that I thought she was partly responsible for the situation she found herself in and that I thought she should stand up to him more. I think it's wrong to burden her son with her marital problems. AIBU?

Anyone fancy putting their tuppence worth in on this one??!!!

YANBU to get annoyed with her for involving DH - it isn't his place to referee his parents marital problems! But I would be worried about FIL's physical violence - does he get aggressive with your MIL? Is she afraid of him, and hiding behind your DH?

No he doesn't threaten her physically just his sons!! She isn't frightened of him she just hates confrontation and he is a cantankerous old bugger at the best of times. Thing is she gets the confrontation anyway because when he's in that kind of mood he's determined to pick on her for something and cause a row. I don't want to appear unsympathetic but she just moans about the same stuff and it doesn't help anyone.

Perhaps people don't know where to start because there seem to be a lot of problems going on here.

1. FIL's bullying and bad behaviour to MIL
2. FIL's bad relationship with your DP, including recent physical fight.
3. MIL and FIL's cash flow problems
4. MIL "burdening" your DP with her problems

I have listed them in what I think, IMHO, is their decreasing order of importance. In other words, I think her moaning to your DP all the time, irritating though it must be, is the least serious of the problems.

How about suggesting to MIL, or suggesting to your DP that he suggests to MIL, that first of all, she deals with FIL's bad behaviour? And that you support her in this? Probably easier said than done, I admit.

Ah, sons - is DH the only one that gets dragged in, or does she get the others involved?

If it is always the same stuff, your DH should remind her that they have already discussed xy or z issue, and that she needs to take his advice! He should not be getting involved by speaking on her behalf, and she shouldn't be asking him to!

Parakeet DH doesn't have a bad relationship with his Dad but there are issues that raise their ugly heads like this one. FIL doesn't talk about his marital issues with his sons like MIL does -she is very close to DH. You're right about the financial problems and they are selling the house as a way of addressing this but that in itself raises a problem because FIL feels that DH is pushing him into selling it. I have suggested that MIL deals with FIL's bad behaviour but she just says things like 'You won't change him now...' I've also told DH that he's not helping either of them by allowing her to slag him off then having a go at his Dad.

It sounds like you are blaming MIL for her FIL being an arse.

I suppose I am blaming her in a way because she doesn't try to find solutions. By her own admission she says she's always compromised her own happiness throughout the whole of her marriage. I get frustrated with her because she thinks it's ok to ask her sons to step in and help which only causes more resentment towards her from FIL and makes the sons think that it's all his fault because he doesn't say anything. Yes he's an overbearing prick at times but if she's going to live out the rest of life with him surely it's in her interests to at least try and address some of their issues with HIM.

Mums often moan to their daughters about their woes, so I don't see moaning to a son as any worse.
I think this is your husband's problem to deal with.
Your FIL sounds awful, but your MIL has chosen, and still chooses to live with him.
Leave it to your husband to deal with. If he moans to you, you can either be a sympathetic ear or tell him to tell his mother to stop moaning or leave, whichever you prefer.
If my husband wanted to tell me how to manage phone calls from my dad I'd think it was none of his business. On the other hand if I regualarly moaned about these phone calls to him he'd be reasonable to tell me to stop speaking to my dad or tell my dad to stop moaning if it was stressing me out.
Dumping your woes on other people regularly and not changing anything is pretty selfish and despicable in my view, but lots of people do it.

YANBU but maybe you (do you get on ok enough for her to do this?) could ask your MIL what she actually wants. Perhaps if she said out loud what she wants that might push her towards positive action rather than going around in circles. Sounds like she is low on confidence and with her being older it might take alot longer for her to make changes.

2rebecca agree that it's natural for parents to sound off to their children about stuff that's going on in their lives however we've reached a point now where it's uncomfortable at best to be in their company for a weekend because they bicker constantly not just in front of us but in front of their grandchildren too. It's affecting DH's relationship with his father because his mother is always chewing his ear off about him. I don't think that's acceptable whilst she's not doing anything positive to try and address it. If she were to say 'I've approached him about marriage guidance counselling but he's refusing' I'd have more sympathy for her but she doesn't she just bangs on about what a bastard he is so to my mind she doesn't want it to change she just wants sympathy and quite frankly I'm running out of that!

Tinkletinkle good suggestion. A straight answer to a straight question like that is whats required. I'll ask DH to put it to her. Trouble is he may not like the answer he gets! He's already said he can't bear the thought of them parting company.

Sympathies Bimble,

My mil does similar and its always the same sorry tale (slightly different situation to your mil) Dh and I were always sympathetic and supportive but it really is getting ridiculous now.

The last time dh said to her, 'sick of hearing it mum, either do something about it or shut up moaning ' She hasn't mentioned anything since!

I also offer my sympathies, Bimble.

My DH is in a tough situation in that his parents (who are in their late 60s / early 70s) are technically separated, but still live together - which means despite living in the same house, they can often go for weeks on end without speaking, with both of them either bitching about the other to DH, or nagging at him to speak to the other to sort things out.

To his credit, DH has been very good at saying that he doesn't want to get caught in the middle, but I think they still see it as his (or his brother's) job to be the family equivalent of Kofi Annan.

Anyway, I agree with Tinkle's solution to ask MIL what she to happen. However, I think your DH also needs to be prepared for an answer he might not like - and to ask himself why he can't bear to see them part company when it sounds like it's not the healthiest of relationships for anyone involved.

Looks like we've got some tough talking to do. It's funny you almost feel like they should be refereeing us having been married longer! Surely they should have learned how to cohabit blissfully by now!!