about sisters contact with biological father?

[GlendaTheGrizzlyPiggy]

Background : me and my younger (16) sister are both adopted and are biologically not related. We have amazingly supportive, kind generous loving parents. Sister has had letterbox contact with biological parents. I have not.

So tonight I was on facebook and decided to have a look on her page. Some middle aged man had tagged her in a status saying "I love (sisters name) she is my little princess". Then I saw her status which was "is really worried about the French exam tomorrow I know I'm gonna fail" and the same man had put "you'll be fine sweetie do me proud". I was pretty concerned at this and wrote on her wall asking who the man was because what he's saying is a little inappropriate. Only after I pressed send I realised that there is a good chance this man is my sisters biological father.

I have sent my sister a text to apologise and explained that I "hadn't put two and two together.

AIBU to feel very ill at ease with this mans comments? I probably am but inexplicably I have been totally thrown with this. I feel angry/sad/jealous/worried all in one and have spent the night sobbing. I honestly don't understand why I have had such a strong reaction.

Bump

presumably you are creeped by this because her bio dad has been absent throughout her childhood and is now calling her his princess.

Do you have a good relationship with your sister? Perhaps she has formed a relationship with her bio dad over some time but has been afraid to tell you?

I can totally see why your gut reaction would not be favourable and you would have a huge mix of (mostly negative) emotions.

I think you've had a strong reaction because suddenly your sister has a biological father, and you don't.

Allow yourself to feel envious and sad.

But also allow for the fact that many biological fathers don't even know about their children until it is too late and they have been adopted.

I think it's understandable that your feelings are going to be a bit tangled up over this (FWIW I am adopted too and have no contact with my bio parents, have never been bothered enough about it to trace them). But I think you need to take care to separate your own feelings about your own bio parents from your sister, her choices and her life. It may be that part of your distress is to do with feeling that your sister is being disloyal to your (adoptive) parents, for instance - again this is her business but your feelings are not bad or wrong.
If you find it hard to get over this, it might help to talk it through with a counsellor who deals with post-adoption issues, or just with some other adopted people there is an MN topic on adoption that you might find helpful.

I find what he has said very patronising/over familiar and inappropriate aswell ( if he is her bio dad ).

Its lovely that he clearly is interested and wants her to know how he feels, but shes 16 not 5.

but, then obviously there is an adjustment period needed with these situations, so i would just try and support her because you don't know what she may think/do when she gets over the intial novelty of the fantasy coming true.
Its normal to feel emotional in your situation, jealousy and anger, but your sister and her dad are not answerable to these, i would talk to your parents about it.

Hi Glenda, I am also adopted and in contact with my bio-dad. We have an email relationship and have met each other quite a few times. From that perspective I would be very freaked out if he started calling me his little princess or anything of the sort. Of course I am a lot older than your sister, and only made contact when I was in my late-twenties so our relationship is more like friends than anything else although he does care a lot about what happens to me.

It must be incredibly hard for you not to have contact when your sister does. Have you thought about finding them?

I must say, I find the whole "little princess" comment a little too much, unless they are much closer than you have been led to believe.

I think you have to be very very careful not to let your jealousy of her good relationship with her biological parents ruin your relationship with her. She has every right to form a great relationship with them, as I'm sure you see. Any hostility from you will probably only push her closer to them imo.

Maybe this is a sign that you also feel that you would like a relationship with your parents? If that is the case, then maybe you could ask your sister about how she felt etc getting in close contact with her biological family again? That way she could see that you were postive about her choice and she could even help you.

Also, I really would delete your comment on her wall!

OTTMummA: I think you are projecting hugely there. Some people just talk like this (Sentimentally and bombastically, particularly when they are feeling a bit shy or unsure how to deal with a situation) without there being anything 'inappropriate' about them - remember, you know nothing about this man nor the OP's sister.

your right SGB, i don't know them, i was thinking from what i would feel if my bio dad talked to me that way, should of made that clear in my post.

sounds like my sisters bio mum when they met. Had obviously never gotten over the adoption which is sad, but was way too full on and inappropriate. referring to her children as my sisters brothers/sisters etc. and describing herself as her mum and insisting she attend family events.

Thank you for all your comments. I'm feeling a little less uneasy today and I'm just trying to take it easy and process how I'm feeling and why.

SolidGoldBrass - I do feel in a totally irrational way that it's a betrayal of my parents. It almost feels like my parents have spent so much time, love, money and heartache bringing us up for this guy to just sweep in and take all the credit IYSWIM.

StrictlyKatty - I can't delete wall posts on my iPhone app but I texted her immediatly explaining that I was sorry I had misunderstood the situation could she delete my comment please.

I'm quite sure that I don't want any contact with my own biological parents. I feel in every sense that my adoptive parents are the only parents I want or need. I will of course be completly supportive of my sister and try very hard to not let my own feelings show. All I have to do now is try to figure out why I am feeling so strongly about this and the best way to deal with it so I can be there for my sister if she needs me.

I think maybe the fact that your sister has always had contact is the thing here. It's much less of a step for her, she already knew that they would be interested as they have kept up the contact.

She may also have always felt that she has 2 sets of parents in a way you have not, thus not feeling the same sense of 'betraying' your adoptive parents.

Maybe you feel that now she has found her 'real' family you and her are less of 'sisters' than you were before? My sister felt a lot like this when I started seeing our Father again, she didn't want to see him or our half siblings herself but she didn't like me having a family that was separate to her iykwim.

I'd find the 'princess' comment icky whoever was making it

Glad your feeling a bit better today, i really hope you sort it all out, just be there for each other thats what counts

GLenda: I honestly would recomend talking this through with people who know and understand about it - the fact that you've had such a strong emotional reaction suggests that you need to examine your own feelings about your own adoption, place in the family, relationships etc. And it would be better and kinder for you to do this with an outsider rather than bringing it up with your family when you are in a state of confusion, which could lead either to you saying hurtful things, or hearing them even though no one wants to hurt anyone else here.

I think I should talk to somebody that has experience dealing with adoption but I don't know how to go about finding someone. I'd be very grateful if someone could point me in the right direction?

Have you tried Adoption UK? There is some really good info on there. I found out last year my Mother was adopted, and it really shocked me to the core I had to rethink all the relationships I had with my GP's and my cousins and I found a lot of good info on that website.