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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you should not "un-invite" a child to a birthday party

68 replies

extension · 05/05/2010 19:09

Last week, one of the mums from school told me that she was having a party for her dds birthday and said that her dd would like to invite my dd. She told me the date & venue and said that she would be bringing the invites in a few days. She asked me if we would be able to make it and I said yes.

Today at the school gates she approached me and said that she was really embarrassed but unfortunately, she had made a mistake with the numbers and her dd had added 1 too many to the list. She said she had to be strict with numbers because of the cost spiralling and had limited it to 10 friends. And that sadly, my dd would no longer be invited. She said that her dd was really upset about it and she is really hoping that one of the others cant make it so that she can then invite my dd.

I'm pretty certain that nothing has happened in school, nothing has been said by any of the other mums and my dd hasnt said anything. She even said that she has been playing with her dd.

I have no problem with my dd not being invited to the party but I think its really mean to invite then uninvite. The play area is £8 per head for parties, am sure she could have just scraped another £8 and said nothing. I cant see money being all that tight for her, theyve just got a new car, she always has new clothes and buys expensive make-up etc.

I really feel for my daughter and think its just a horrible thing to do.

OP posts:
MollieO · 05/05/2010 19:28

Is there an actual limit on numbers? Our local soft play has a limit of 20 for parties.

If you get a 're-invite' I would say you've made other plans. There is no way I would let my dc go to a party they had been invited/uninvited/invited again.

MadamDeathstare · 05/05/2010 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunawayWife · 05/05/2010 19:29

Could you have offered to pay the £8.00?

I got uninvited to a party when I was a child as the mother found out my parents were shock horror un married!!!!

That sort of thing mattered in the 70s

Imarriedafrog · 05/05/2010 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
extension · 05/05/2010 19:32

I must say, I was very polite with her when she said it and kind of said "oh, its ok, I understand". But its only when Ive sat and thought about it that I realise how awful she is being.

How on earth can people like this instill good values into their children. I am going to find it very difficult chatting to her at the school gates now, but I dont want her to think that I'm sulking over a party invitation.

OP posts:
werewolf · 05/05/2010 19:37

Horrid situation.

But, tbh, you don't know how tight money is for them.

sumum · 05/05/2010 19:46

This happened to me with my dc and a good friend, she told me all about the party and then week later called me to say my dc could't come as numbers were tight.

Ruined our friendship - and i did feel silly for being upset about a kids party but it really hurt.

minipie · 05/05/2010 19:46

How bizarre. Surely if the £8 is that much of a big deal, she could have asked each of the parents of the invitees for £1 to help cover costs... a bit embarrassing but way better than disinviting a child.

My immediate reaction was, there must have been some sort of falling out between the girls, and the money thing is an excuse, but you say in your OP that's not happened.

Is there some other possible bizarre prejudice going on here? (thinking of the earlier poster's story from the 1970s about not being invited because parents not married ) I just find it so hard to believe it's really about the money?

Hope your DD feels ok about it. Maybe invite the birthday girl round to play some time so that she and your DD have something of their own in common, when the others are talking about the party, IYSWIM.

Doodleydoo · 05/05/2010 20:16

Exactly Soupdragon - no one should be disinvited (got slightly distracted whilst posting!) I find it most extraordinary to do this, especially for a child.

We got disinvited to somewhere recently and I have to say it is just as hurtful in your 30's but you have more ways of dealing with it!

PiratePrincess · 05/05/2010 21:06

Make other arrangements for that day - go and have a lovely day with your DD.

And obviously YANBU in the slightest. How rude of her!

oceryo · 05/05/2010 21:09

YANBU

cece · 05/05/2010 21:10

YANBU how mean of the mother! I am shocked!

fabhead · 05/05/2010 21:20

What a horrible thing to do to anyone, never mind a 6y old. I cant believe anyone would do that. If you can afford to throw a party surely you could suck up £8 which is not an enormous sum of money and if things really were that tight, surely they would just have a family party at home? My ds was invited to a soft play /farm party one time when he was too young to go alone and the parents subsequently asked all the adults and siblings to pay their own entrance costs, they just paid for the actual invited children, when they realised the costs were getting out of hand, surely something like that would be your first thought? She could have asked everyone to pay a pound or put 1 less thing in the party bags, or a bit less food, and covered the £8 surely?

I think something else must be going on. I would never upste a 6 year old over 8 bloody pounds, silly, silly woman - this is bound to cause tension amongst the mums, never mind the children.

I would say you'd made plans to take your dd out somewhere nice for the day to cheer her up over not being invited to the party if she ever re-invites her. Make her feel bad like she has made you and your dd feel bad.

pigletmania · 05/05/2010 21:33

YANBU at all, its bloody rude and messing with a childs feeling all for the sake of £8-10 which i am sure that she can afford. It is only one child fgs not 5-6 even then i would try my damnest to honour my promise,even going without myself. If someone did not turn up and then she asked you again i would refuse and say no and do soemthing nice with dd instead.

muminthemiddle · 05/05/2010 21:40

YANBU.

I would find it very hard to talk to such a rude selfish cow mean-spirited person again.

dolphin01 · 05/05/2010 21:58

Parties are a minefield aren't they. My ds was invited to a a party. I replied accepting invite. After accepting it I spoke to the mum who I thought had given invite. She than told me her dd's birthday was not yet. I than twigged that the invite must have been for another child in class with same name. I than had to ring mum and let her know and pass invite onto other child.

Fortunately my ds was not upset.

But yes mum should have absorbed extra cost.

Tidey · 05/05/2010 22:03

If she did re-invite, I'd very politely say, 'That's very nice, but DD was rather upset at being uninvited so we've made plans to do something special that day instead'. And then take her somewhere lovely to take her mind off it.

BTW, I would never be able to do that, it's so mean, and if the plans hadn't been finalised she shouldn't have mentioned it. Why didn't she do the invites as the first step instead? Bloody rude.

Original poster
extension · 05/05/2010 22:05

I am the OP. I have been thinking about this all evening. I know this may seem a bit far-fetched but, I am now starting to wonder if there could be another reason for whats happened.

The little girl whose party it is always plays with a particular little girl and they have been virtually inseperable. But, the mum of the other girl has been trying to encourage her daughter to play with other girls aswell. She has invited my dd to tea and they have become quite friendly in recent weeks, her name regularly comes up in conversation at home. Having said that, from what I can gather, my dd plays with lots of little girls in her class and has no best friend in particular. But, it has got me thinking (daft as it might sound) that maybe the birthday girls mum doesnt want my dd there so that her dd has the other little girl all to herself. Its probably ridiculous. But I am baffled as to why she could do this.

OP posts:
scanty · 05/05/2010 22:05

Maybe she will read this thread and feel a bit embarrassed!!

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 05/05/2010 22:05

YANBU at all. Very rude of the woman.

screamingskull · 05/05/2010 22:11

oh my word that is bloody awful.

surely if you are already footing £80 for a party then another £8 in the scheme of things is not that a big deal. as someone else said put less in party bags fgs.

Think its a great idea to do something good with your dd yourself on the day...bloody witch of a woman.

oldandgreynow · 05/05/2010 23:24

My SIL did this too. I think you just have to suck it up really.i suspect the money is an excuse.

Olifin · 06/05/2010 00:00

I suppose that's possible extension but maybe does sound a bit far-fetched. An earlier poster suggested it might be that there is an actual limit on numbers, as there is often is at a soft play or suchlike; I thought that sounded the most likely scenario (not that it makes it ok, of course).

Another possibility is that, as opposed to being a rude and thoughtless woman, she may actually be socially inept for a particular reason. I know someone with Asperger's who can be a bit like this; quite awkward socially and blissfully unaware of some of the basic unwritten rules of tact and social situations.

Or she may just be a rude and thoughtless woman!

Either way, hope you and dd are ok

ChippingIn · 06/05/2010 01:29

Extension - I'm sorry that your DD is going to be upset by this, but you'll have to explain to her that her friends Mummy can't afford to take lots of children and unfortunately it's not her this time.

The woman sounds a bit daft to be honest, as you say, she hardly sounds on the bones of her bum and £8 is not what you'd call a lot of money! However, sometimes you just don't know what is going on in someone else's mind - maybe her DH is very controlling and has said something like 'I said 10 children, not 11. We are only taking 10 - sort it out!!'

These days, thanks to MN, I realise that there are all kinds of people, battling all kinds of things behind the scenes, so I try not to judge too quickly on things that seem stupid/hurtful/obvious etc...

If she were to re-invite, I would think of your DD first, she will have a good time, her friend will have a good time... let her go.

tjtheminx · 06/05/2010 02:45

YANBU

This happened to me when I was 8. The mum knocked on our car window on our way to the party to tell my mum I was uninvited.
Three of my friends who were still invited were being driven there by my mum too. So we had to drive to their house, drop them off while I went home.
I was really hurt.
My mum took me to buy some Fuzzy Felt but I remember crying at school the next day ( everyone had a great time apparently)

I suppose worse things have happened me in life but that kind of thing is really mean and I can't see why the mum would uninvite anyone.