not to cook any bloody dinner tonight?

[Lutefisk]

Because I am just so sick of having to do family life all by myself while DP swans off pursuing his hobbies.

In the last two weeks:
Thursday: played squash
Friday: went out to a gig and got pissed
Saturday: hungover then went to an archaeological dig for 5 days
Sunday: dig
Monday: dig
Tuesday: dig
Wednesday: dig
Thursday: back from dig just in time to put DD to bed at 7pm
Friday: home
Saturday: home
Sunday all day: rock climbing
Last night: band practise
Tonight: rock climbing
Tomorrow: squash

Tonight he had arrived home from work and gone out again before I got in from work with DD. No word as to when he will be back. Could be 8, could be 10. Normally I'd cook something that he could just heat up when he gets in. However, tonight I have had cake and am not hungry. And, to be frank, I just can't be arsed, I can't remember the last time I had anytime to myself.

He knows I am pissed off about him always being out. He chooses not to deal with it. He starts a new job soon in a different area and we will move house and he won't be able to do half of these activities. He says he is just making the most of it now.

AIBU?

He sounds like a real arse - especially because he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his child. I'd kick him out tbh, though I know that isn't very constructive.

YADefNBU!

Only I reckon you should have something delish for yourself (not just cake). I would defo not be cooking for such a selfish wanker him in these circs. Get a secret stock of your fav. food and let him starve until he starts pulling his weight!

What´s the point of cooking something that he might not be bothered to reheat when he gets in?

Depending on what you´ve got in, he can probably cook himself something in a short time anyway.

YANBU!

Wine, larks35, wine. I shall drink the last bottle of booze in the house so there won't be any left for him. No doubt he'll be going to the pub on his way back from climbing anyway.

I don't think IABU either. However, he will think IABU when he gets in and there is nothing ready for him. In fact, he will probably accuse me of wanting to start a row and then sulk for three days.

Just say in an airy voice "Oh I thought you were out for dinner. There's ham in the fridge, why don't you make yourself a sandwich?"

Also, I would a)tell him to stop going out so much and b)book some nights out for myself.

(Sorry tried to send this earlier and had connection probs, (then was eating dins) so this is probably way out of date on the thread but I don't care )

Wines good, but plan ahead, Lutefisk, so that when he comes in tomorrow night and sniffs these lovely smells, you can say:

"Oh! Yes, I did cook [insert fav. food] but had no idea when you were coming in so only cooked it for myself! Sorry, there's nothing else."

(Tesco do these finest meal for 2 with wine for £9 - there's not enough food there for 2, but you could enjoy all that and just look at him mistily when he arrives back from whatever "interesting" hobby he's been up to that night)

ask him where, exactly, it says you are on dinner making duties, in the contract you didn't sign??
YANBU

Told you he would sulk. Just came in. Said "what happened to tea? Is there nothing for me?" so is now in a huff, cooking himself cheese on fucking toast or something. I care not. Am on second glass of wine. I feel like smashing something, but I won't. I will keep schtum, as usual, because he has to fucking have his activities or else he will get angry.

Why keep schtum? Let him know he's out of order otherwise he'll never know. Get him to make you some cheese on toast as well.

Honestly Lutefisk, you need to talk to your DH cos all this underlying fuming is unhealthy and will blow (like the blahblah volcano). Talk to him when you're sober and ask him to be a proper member of your lovely little family.

For now, ask for cheese on toast and enjoy your wine

Well done on not cooking anything for him
you're not his maid!

Oh no, he won't talk, he will sulk. That'll be him now until at least Thursday, at which point he will tell me how angry I made him* tonight. Like last time when he went out to buy an acoustic guitar and said he would be home by DD's teatime but didn't come home until 8, sloshed, and I dared to stick up for myself and he didn't speak to me for three days, or engage with DD. However, he will deny that he is angry and any attempts to reconcile will be met with grunts. This being the Sunday prior to the list listed above.

• "you made me angry" means "don't do it again or I will make your life unbearable"

Lutefisk, this sounds more serious than I thought. TBH, after thinking it was a harsh response, I'm now wondering whether your first reply was right!

"Callisto Tue 04-May-10 20:02:20
He sounds like a real arse - especially because he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his child. I'd kick him out tbh, though I know that isn't very constructive."

How old is your DD? Do you work yourself or does your DH think he is "lord of the land" cos he brings in the money? Has he always been such a selfish prick, wanker, self-absorbed individual, or is this more recent?

Why not let him sulk from now until whenever he realises sulking is not working. Stop pandering to his moods, stop cooking for him, doing whatever else he feels he needs. Let him sulk and just get on with your life with your DD. He's being an arse and it sounds like he's quite controlling, don't let him control you. Sulk yourself, let him come and ask you what the problem is. In the meantime, make sure you indulge yourself in a few treats each day.

I've opened a can of worms.

DD is 16 months old. I work, but only 16 hours. My job, which was originally meant to be longer hours has dropped right down to the bare minimum. I've looked for extra work and get agency stuff sometimes but nothing regular. To be honest I have a lot of debt. I have an IVA which is 21 months from being cleared. So my wages basically cover my IVA. I don't contribute towards bills as such, however before I started maternity leave I was in a job that paid more than enough to pay my IVA and all my outgoings and leave me some money for a social life.

So he's footing the bill for both of us. Rightly or wrongly, I do feel like I should be grateful for having a roof over my head and food on the table when the alternative is such poverty that I would probably have to be declared bankrupt.

I'm not a money grabber - he knew the situation when we decided to try for DD - admitted it would be a struggle. However I didn't think that the result would be he gets to do whatever he likes whenever he likes while I get to be the sole childcarer with no money or time to do what I enjoy.

Yikes - this has gone a bit further than I originally intended - oh, what the fuck, I've kept it bottled up for so long I just can't keep it up anymore.

Thanks so much for all your replies. He's gone off to bed now, no kiss, nothing. Things will be shit now. I don't care.

Sorry to have made you open a can of worms .

My DS is 16 months too, aren't they just great at this age! Your DH is missing out on a lot if he isn't around to experience the hilarious things your DD probably does. I feel quite sad for him in a way.

WRT your financial stuff, well your DP knew all of this and its not like he's out earning money, he's out spending it! Don't feel guilty about your debts, you've not hidden them and you're doing all you can to pay them off. Your DP seems to have some issues wrt being a family man, a dad. Does he ever do bathtime? I mean, does he not miss the great fun he could be having with your DD?

My DP really struggled with fatherhood for the first 6months or so of DS's life, cos DP felt that all DS wanted was mummy and boobs and he (DP) felt defunct. He then took over bathing duties and it gave him a role (and me a break) and they now bond together better than I do with DS sometimes!

If you can, speak to your DP about what role he could have with your DD, so that it isn't always you doing everything. It sounds like he has a lot of interests and has not made an effort to give any of them up since being a dad. Well, does he really just want to be a figure-head to his DD? Or does he want to be a dad who gets giggles, love and laughter all because he played and had fun with her. Sorry I'm rambling...

Let your DP stew and sulk, when he's ready have a serious talk. You need to for, you, your DD and him. Things need to change. I'll watch this thread and hope things work out.

I really appreciate your thoughts larks. You are right, I know you are. But he doesn't do serious talks. He runs rings around me. I don't know what the alternative is. If I'm not happy then where do I go? It's his house, I have no money. I couldn't think about realistically supporting me and DD. How would I afford rent, for one thing? Where would I find money for a deposit? What landlord in his right mind would take me on with an IVA?

This is why I feel like I have to put up or shut up. I should be grateful. We/he have/has a nice home.

put up or shut up? oh bollocks to that Lutefisk! Is the way your partner is treating you really what you want to teach your DD is acceptable in a relationship?

Im speaking from experience here when I tell you I had a heap of debt problems (over £15,000 stupid stupid woman), which took me over a decade to pay back, but I did - and YOU will and then that horrible black cloud will be lifted oh and the RELIEF you will feel will be amazing. However - in the meantime - you need to get yourself on the the phone to the Consumer Credit Counselling Service - they can talk through your IVA and most importantly HOW YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE CHANGED. (oops sorry shouty!) You're not earning the same as you were when you set up your IVA so look at getting it adjusted/reducing payments - as long as you are still paying something and do so regularly most creditors are flexible. Do phone the CCCS - they are a charity (I believe) and never took a fee from me. In the bad old days I just used to go into the post office once a month and pay a bit off. Eventually it was all gone and then you get nice letters telling you its all paid.

Talk to them - and then think about what you really want to do. Stay? Go? Can you just tell him outright that you're not happy? (If he doesn't do 'talks') Can you approach your family for financial help for a deposit? There will be options, honest. I'm sure some wise Mnetter will have some experience.

Not trying to be horrible here, but you are as trapped as you allow yourself to be. Believe me I really do know how horrible it is to be in debt, but it will end one day.

Chin up! Hope today is a better day, and you enjoyed the wine .