to be really really peed off at my best friends?

[NotBreeVanDeKamp]

Hello
I've been so cross since Sunday I can't concentrate on anything else. I'm on maternity leave at the mo (DD 7months) and live a good 60 miles from London - I used to commute in and see my girlfriends after work. We are in late 30s, they're not married, no kids, two of them have newish boyfriends. We used to meet just as girls and have lovely cocktails in lovely bars and genearally a lovely time. I haven't seen two of them since dd2 was born and I've been thinking how I really must organise something soon.
On Sunday night I got a call from one of them about something I'd been texting her about. She happened to say, 'oh I'm just out with the girls and it's lovely drinking in the sun'. I couldn't believe they were out and I didn't know about it. She was mortified that I was upset and said she thought I knew and I had been on the mails. They must have sent them to my work address which I havne't accessed since I left and can't now as the system is down. Okay, so fair enough they all thought I was in on it but the thing I'm most upset about is that I obviously haven't replied and no-one thought, oh, she hasn't replied I'll just check a)she's got this and b)she's okay!!
Also that was Sunday and I'm presuming she mentioned this to the others and I STILL haven't had an email even though I mailed quickly (and not in an arsey way) to say please use my personal email.
I am so very p*ssed off.

bump!

I think you may have to face the fact that you are now "out of sight, out of mind"

Why don't you try and arrange something with them?

I'd assume that they've been meeting up during the last 7 months you've been on maternity leave and havent seen them.
If you live 60 miles away, are not working (and not commuting) at the moment AND have a new baby I wouldnt blame them for not expecting you to be up for a lazy afternoon drinking 60 miles away from your house.

Why not email or call and say you've missed them and suggest a meet up soon?

Think you are Bu, sorry.
Your life is the one that's changed, not theirs, I do think you should be the one to instigate things, at least til you are at a new equilibrium.

Yeah I would go for the not expecting you to be up for it, not having seen you for a bit and thinking if you were getting the emails youd reply if you wanted to go. Followed by terminal embarassment at you being upset and the hope that one of the others is contacting you.

Cos thats how I would have thought tbh. Dont take it personally!!

Sensible advice as ever thanks. But now how do I stop myself from being angry so I can arrange something with them?!

Youre allowed to be angry just not accusatory - can you say, I am really annoyed I missed out on Sunday - I feel its been ages since i saw you all - lets do something?

It's shit but it happens all the time that childless/free 'friends' dump friends when they have a baby. It's like you have betrayed their side of the childless/free vs mothers diad.

If some of them join 'your' side soon you may be able to resume your friendships but don't hold your breath.

In the meantime try to find some new mummy friends.

Bree I know how you feel, I had exactly the same thing.

I feel I have drifted away from my best friend who doesn't have children and she is always doing things like this. We live far away now but when we lived round the corner from each other when I was on my first maternity leave I barely saw her - she would arrange people to come for lunch more or less every Sunday and DS was 11 months before we were invited .

It's hard but I think you have to face facts that friends drift away when circumstances change. That's not to say that they drift away forever but, at the moment, they are all leading similar lives still and yours has changed completely. They are just carrying on regardless and you can't really blame them for that.

I would keep in touch with them and arrange things when they can but don't beat yourself up about it. In the meantime, concentrate on finding some new friends nearby.

when one of my girlfriends (who was the first to have a baby amongst us) had her LO, I felt really hurt as she never called/saw me anymore... Since then I've clearly grown up and got overmyself a bit when I realised how much her life has changed. I do think its a bit crap that she focuses mainly on her mum friends now, but life moves on and you can't get upset about little things.

I think you need to realise that your life has changed massively and theirs hasn't. If anything the onus is on you a bit more now to let them know you want to see them. I suspect they just assume you are busy and not up for drinks.

I would try and keep this in proportion and maybe a tactful word next time you all meet up wouldn't go astray.

Don't say you were annoyed to your friends because it is setting the scene for an arguement. I'd more say to them that you're glad they had a nice time and next time you look forward to joining them and catching up with their news. If they're genuine friends they will make sure you don't miss out next time. If they don't include you next time then perhaps you should question your friendship with them.

Don't let your anger spoil your friendship. Let go off it and move on. You've taken the step of passing on your personal e-mail to them.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to make some new friends closer to home so that you're not overly reliant on this group of friends; if you haven't aleady done this.

Ummm... can I just say that I was the last of my (close)friends to have kids by a loooong chalk and it really doesn't have to be 'them and us' as seemingly proposed by Forever above? I made a concerted effort / changed my social life to accomodate friends with kids. Many many many hours of my life have been spent happily in friends gardens smoking fags and drinking wine kitchens drinking tea.

Those friends who I didn't see dropped me as I didn't fit into their life now they had kids. But I never felt betrayed by them, more I was delighted they had kids for me to spoil when I saw them and understood our lives had moved in different directions - Iwas happy to see them when I / they could.

There is definitely a HUGE divide unfortunately amongst those with children and those who do not.

You may have to face the fact that you wont be as "accesable" for get togethers any more and friends will "presume" an awful lot.

It may even be that you bore them. Sorry to say but people with babies can be boring (i know i was).

I used to text a load of dates when i was free to my friends and then wait for a date that was good for them all. Only once every few months or so. I REALLY looked forward to these nights. I made every effort to NOT talk about my baby or about how absolutely exhausted i was and how much like shoite i felt.

But yes the invites definitely wore off very quickly. But then i made new friends who had more in common with me after my baby.
sorry, its not nice to hear, but thats the way it is.

Sorry - but in my experience there really wasn't / isn't a huge divide amongst me and my good friends. But maybe that's the issue -I'm talking about people I've known since I was in my late teens / early twenties. Knew them pre kids / post kids / still now and we still get shitfaced meet up for coffees.

So you're pissed off with them for not contacting you to arrange meeting, yet you haven't arranged anything yourself?
YABU, and rather childish about it.

Thanks all. Have mailed them again to plead for a night out. I hope it does the trick!