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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bail out of joint party with my sisters dd?

19 replies

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 16:11

We chatted about having a joint party for the kids. Dn will be 5 and my kids will be 3 and 2 all within a week of one another so this sounded like a good idea.

We jotted down the kdis we both wanted to invite and priced it all up and it worked out £120 each. at the time i was ok with it but having thought about it im not so sure.

I have invited a douzen kids whilst my sister has invited 34. The majority of children I have invited will be 2 so will not really enjoy what we had planned. and in a way I begrudge paying half when my sister has almost 3x's as many guests to invite as I do..... most of the people I have invited (NCT friends) I doubt will be able to make it as they all quite busy alot.

I would rather do something low key at home like a bbq or a teddy bears picnic at the park which will appeal more to their age but I know my sister is going to go mad with me. This all started off because she was skint but I dont see why I should have to subserdise her dd's party when its not really suitable for my dc's.... so AIBU

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 04/05/2010 16:14

I dont think it's unreasonable, but it depends how far along you are in the party planning, if the party is scheduled for next week, YABU, if it's not for a while yet, tell her and face the music ASAP.

DumpyOldWoman · 04/05/2010 16:17

Tell her that now that you have done the planning, you realise that in no way have the two of you planned a party suitable for anyone skint, and that you think it might be more sensible to go back to square one. Also that as you have invited 12 guests it works out at £10 a head - again, not exactly a budget option, for toddlers, and that you need to rethink.

Just be honest. She might be feeling it's all a bit OTT, too.

womblingfree · 04/05/2010 16:18

Could you not change some of the plans so the mix of activities is equally suitable for your children, and perhaps suggest that as your sister has invited so many more children she should pay a bit more of the cost (2/3's perhaps)?

Otherwise perhaps a white lie would be in order - car or boiler needing work so you can't afford to go along with original plan and need to do something smaller at home, or something along those lines.

You can't tell I've been in a similar situation can you...?

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 16:20

its not till mid june.

I have txt her but she is at uni so i wont get a reply till later. I just know she is gonna go mad. I cant really aford £120 either. my sis exp will go halves with her.... my kids will be lucky to get a card from their dad.

I kinda feel like my sister couldnt afford this big party so she thought split it with me but it doesnt seem fair that im paying 50% when she is getting about 75% of the party's value iyswim.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 04/05/2010 16:24

I'm not sure if the timescales are reasonable for you to pull out (would need more info really). But I do think that you should only be paying in proportion to the number of guests you've invited.

A £240 party with 46 guests works out at about a fiver per person - so I think you should be paying only about £60 for your share, especially if the guests lists were agreed between you both in advance.

womblingfree · 04/05/2010 16:27

I would make a decision one way or the other this week and try and talk to her about it. you're def not being unreasonable - particularly if your sis is splitting the cost with her ex p in any case. There's plenty of time for both of you to make other arrangements.

I was in a similar situation with a friend of mine, although I actually had just been made redundant, which made it easier to pull out, but I really didn't like the thought of letting her and her DS down.

In the end all was fine and we are still great friends. Must admit I would think long and hard before even considering going down the road of joint parties again, though.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 16:28

well we only discussed it last week so its still in the early stages yet.

the more I think about it the more i feel it is unsuitable.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 16:46

well she has called my mum and gone mad.... luckily my mum agrees with me and is going to try and sort it out.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 04/05/2010 16:52

Well done for tackling it head on - better to reorganise while there is plenty of time. I'm glad your mum is acting as peace maker though.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 16:59

most of my nct friends wont come, its hard enough to meet up for a coffee with them as everyone is so busy so its more than likely that most wont be able to make it to the party either. Plus we are all getting together to have a party for all the kids so say half dont come that leaves me with 7 guests so even if I pay £60 thats still nearly £10 per guest and my mum agreed thats aa stupid amount of money to pay when the kids are so small.
She thinks something at home would be much more appropriate. glad she is backing me coz my sister is a bit of a dragon!

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 04/05/2010 17:12

The thing is, there is such an age difference in your kids and your sisters, what 5yo enjoy and are capable of understanding in terms of games are way ahead of 2 and 3yo. So I think it is wiser to have separate parties for this reason alone.

The cost issue is unfair if your sister expects you to fork out for more guests of her child, even if not all those invited actually come, I reckon there will still be more than those you've invited. She needs to plan according to her budget, and not expect you to subsidise just because you're sharing.

vicbar · 04/05/2010 19:56

Im glad its not just my sister who calls my mum to get her involved in our ''arguments'' disagreements.

MarthaQuest · 04/05/2010 20:06

I thought the same thing , vicbar

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 21:13

lol.... my mums tells us off. I can hear her now. "im not a referee, your grown up now. sort it our yourselves" except we never do

OP posts:

cloelia · 04/05/2010 21:25

For what it's worth I think it is a ludicrous amount of money for children of your ages - you are doing absolutely the right thing to say no. Can't you all get together and just have an oldfashioned party games type affair with a really simple tea? What in the world is she planning, I wonder? A giant no, perfectly justified.

Original poster

spookycharlotte121 · 04/05/2010 21:32

Well tbh I dont get where she got the figures from.
I know the hall cost £30, the entertainer/disco dude was £60 and we budgeted £100 for food just because there will be a lot of jamacan family there expecting copious amounts of curried goat and rice and then the buffet food for the kids. but thats £50 short of her total.

I just want a quiet afair at home with family and friends... a bbq. the kids can all play on the trampoline and the adults can chill in the sun. (thats if I sort the garden in time) if not Im just going to get everyong to meet us at the park for a picnic. Am going to make the cake myself too. Am looking forward to that... have had some great advice from the cake experts on here

OP posts:

zipzap · 04/05/2010 21:51

Just wondering how she managed to convince you that it was fair to go halves on something like this when there was such a big disparity in the numbers of guests... She must have realised that it wasn't fair!

On the other hand it sounds like you are lucky she didn't try to convince you that you needed to pay 2/3 of the costs as she has one birthday child and you have two at the party

vicbar · 04/05/2010 21:52

I would have a little party at home whilst you can. This year we let DS choose what he wanted to do and we ended up taking 14 kids to the cinema and mcd's. It was very cheap as the cinema do a 95p showing in the morning and £2 for a happy meal, as the weather was nice we went to the park as well. It cost less than £60 for all the kids and they had a fantastic time. My DD1 however has had a party every year (shes 5) and each year her expectations rise.I ve decided to go to the country park taking the football cricket det etc and then invite her friends to meet us there. I can do a picnic and put up the instant gazebo then tey can just run and dance like they would in a hall Ive had to shell out £60 for. I just have to let her know that . I can t wait till I have to referee with my girls, they are 2 and 5 and fiesty is not the word

thesecondcoming · 04/05/2010 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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