to expect DH to WANT to spend some time with me on a night out?

[Fel1x]

Genuinly not sure.
Have just had ding dong of a row with DH.
He had mentioned that it is an old colleagues birthday coming up (big birthday) and we are invited to a big party she is having. He wanted to know if I'd like to go as he would then ask his Mum to babysit (we have 2 young DCs and dont get out very often!)
Party is a couple of hours away so we'd have to stay overnight.
I'd originally said yes, that sounds nice etc. But we were just chatting and I mentioned that I had reservations about it as I dont know his ex-colleague and in fact wont know a single person there, and I am slightly concerned that from past experience DH will get so caught up in catching up with old friends and drinking to excess, that he will forget I am there and it will be a bit shit.
I said that it would be nice to combine a night for him catching up with old friends and the party side of it, with also an opportunity for us to spend some rare time together and enjoy each others company.
I really expected him to agree, but he's taken huge offence and really cant see my point. He thinks that he's got 2 choices now - go alone and cause a row with me, or not go at all and him be pissed off. He says its ridiculous to go together and me to expect him to curtail his drinking and stick to my side all night (which is NOT what I said!) so its not going to happen.
He thinks I'm being really anti social and dont want to go becaise I wont know anyone there.
Last year we went to a wedding where I barely knew anyone there. DH, as usual, got caught up in drinking and catching up with 'the lads' and ended up smoking outside for most of the night with some other people, in an area that was difficult to find and without mentioning to me where he was going. So basically I was at a wedding with people I didnt know and DH buggered off for several hours without letting me know. That time I cut my losses about midnight and went back to the hotel room on my own. Dh appeared a couple of hours later, hammered.
I dont mind going somewhere where I dont know anyone else as long as DH is there too and not ignoring me all night/disappearing, but if he does disappear all night or ignore me, then its just like me going to this party on my own! and I wouldnt choose to do that!

DH absolutely cannot see my point. AIBU?

No YANBU. He needs to grow up and realise you're his wife and he can't just take you to a party full of strangers and ditch you to sit on your own, while he buggers off and gets pissed with his mates.

Is this the only opportunity for a night out you'll get? I'd be inclined to send him off on his own if you can't trust him to be fair to you, but only if you can organise something else for just the two of you.

I think subconsciously he knows its not nice to go off on his own to these do's and I'm stuck at home with the DCs so by me going too, its like a 'free pass' to have a boys night out iyswim!
If I dont go along then he will feel bad as he gets a fair few nights out more than I do (my friends all have young DCs and DH's that work late, so its harder for us to organise!)
We dont very often get a chance to go out just the two of us either. The times we do, its always me that suggests it and arranges babysitting.

On the other hand, DH is so at ease in any social situation that he literally would not care if I took him to a party of all my friends that he didnt know and then buggered off! He would get drunk and talk crap with anyone he came across! He is the sort of person who goes to gigs alone if he likes a band that no one else does and goes to the pub first and makes friends with random people he meets. He often meets all sorts of people on the train on the way home from work and chats to them for an hour at a time.
I'm not anti social, but I am a lot more naturally shy than DH!

We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and DH's family were there too. Again DH spent nearly the whole day and ALL the evening bit catching up with old school friends and drinking/chatting at the bar. Barely acknowledged me the whole time. I was fine as SIL was there and we danced together, chatted and had a nice time but was still pee'd off that DH didnt bother to talk to me.
He thinks its beside the point as I had SIL plus various other people to chat to.
I wasnt lonely, and I DID have a nice time with SIL BUT I still think DH should WANT to spend a bit of time with me when we are in a social situation together!!

I went to a wedding with a previous boyfriend a few years ago. It was a family wedding on his side, I'd met his sister briefly once and that was it. He wanted me to go off and talk to new people without him. I said I was fine with talking to new folk, but that I'd rather do that whilst stood beside him, at least for most of the time! He just didn't get it. But then he was pretty much a dick overall anyway. He liked the idea of having a strong girlfriend who wasn't afraid to voice her own opinions, but didn't enjoy the reality so much once he realised that meant he didn't always get his own way. Needless to say, he didn't last long . I hope you get your situation sorted.

Thanks for the replies.
I am thinking of just leaving it for now and seeing what DH decides to do - whether he asks his Mum to babysit and plans for us both to go or whether he decides to cancel/go alone and then react according to what he does... what do you think?

Sounds like my dh, many a time he has wandered off at a wedding/party and left me on my own. Knowing what he is like now if an event comes up where I know I won't know anyone I just suggest he goes it alone as I don't want to come over all clingy and nag like.

Why not suggest he go alone and then arrange another night away for the 2 of you to spend together. Or if his mother is coming to babysit go out with a girlfriend whilst he is away at the party. Not the solution you want I am sure but sometimes it best to let it be and you will surely gain some brownie points for being the one to suggest he go alone, no?

Sorry to hear about the row Fel1x.

I would have thought in these situations the least you could expect would be for your DH to stick with you and make a few intros to people he thought you may like/get on with, wait until you appear to be in conversation with a few of them (maybe partners of his freinds) before disappearing outside. Even then I would be a bit teed off with someone effectively disappearing for the rest of the night - maybe for an hour or so. I can quite understand why you are annoyed! I am not shy, but would not like to be left alone in a place where I knew no one.

It really depends whether you want to push the issue with him or not. You suggestion of leaving it might be a good one to see if is really keen for you to come. If he arranges it so that you can perhaps you can have a calmer chat about how most people don't disappear off and leave their other halves...

YANBU but you need a win/win result.
You've got such different social styles, a compromise might be to go along and accept that you will see little of him on the understanding that you arrange another night out where you get to share the evening.

I'm not surprised you are sad about it, he is not being very considerate but perhaps he really needs it spelling out.

I had an ex do something like this once, it was a house party, mostly his friends, we got up the next morning and had the conversation about getting ready to leave within the hour. A while later I was looking everywhere for him, it turned out he had decided to spend the day deer hunting with the other men without even letting me know! They had gone in landrovers too so where miles away. And he took the car keys with him otherwise I would have left him to make his own way home. Mind, he was a complete twat in so many other ways and got dumped soon after. I'm sure your DH has redeeming features so I don't suggest you go that far.

secondcoming - you're missing the point by a mile, honestly.
i dont stand there like a spare prick (charming). i make small talk with people I've never met before, I have a couple of drinks, I have a dance etc etc, the point is - DH and I rarely go out together. Dh gets plenty of nights out with his friends without me... therefore I would expect on a rare night out with the both of us there, that he would WANT to actually chat to me a bit and enjoy being out with me?!
If he cant be bothered to talk to me at all, then I am questioning the whole point of me being there. Whats the point in using up precious babysitting, money to pay for hotel etc to go and spend an evening chit chatting with strangers while DH ignores me. I'd rather sit at home watching TV tbh.
Well, I'd rather have a lovely evening out WITH Dh, but in the absence of that I'd take the TV.

Fel1x -Yanbu. My husband is a bit like yours. One of the things that drew him to me when we met (apparently) was how sociable I was, how easily I could mox with his family and friends. However, that started to work against me when he would take me to things, then desert me and I would not see him from the start to the end of the night. Bit of a pain in the ass really when nights out after dc's get a bit rare and you might have gone to a bit of trouble to get yourself dolled up and looking nice.

So after many heated rows, a bit like leQueen says, I trained him/made him cop on that he needs to check in on me from time to time with a drink and a hello just to make sure I am not stuck talking to a wanker and that I am having a good time. Basic consideration really and politeness really.

But you really really ANBU!

Mix, not mox!!

Thank you all.
Dh arrived home last night with an apology and some petrol station chocolates and promised that he'd be more considerate if I'd like to go to the party with him, so seems to be ok again!

Fel1x - would you consider using sitters (babysitting agency) and then you could get to go out a bit more often?

I think you're probably trying to get 2 different things out of the party and you'd be best arranging to go out with DH separately for some nice time together.

I'm probably a bit like your DH in that if I haven't seen people for ages I want to catch up with them and sometimes sort of forget he's there.

But he should as LeQueen said check in regularly and keep you in drinks etc.