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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my dc not to lie?

21 replies

Mowgli1970 · 04/05/2010 08:51

Getting ready for school every morning it's the same routine. I have to remind dcs (9 and 7) to wash, brush their teeth, brush their hair, get reading book for school etc. This morning I asked both of them if they'd brushed their teeth to which they both said yes. My dd was adamant when I asked her in a hurt, defensive tone. It transpires that neither of them had washed or brushed their teeth (found the evidence!) AIBU to expect them to do this and not lie to me about it or am I expecting too much? The part I'm most upset about is that they both could lie so convincingly to my face. Is it too much to ask?

OP posts:

cory · 04/05/2010 08:59

Myeees, you are right that this is not too much to ask. With children, unfortunately, that is no guarantee that it won't be happening.

With something as minor as teeth brushing (minor from a lying pov, I mean, of course hygienically important), I would take the brisk jocular approach: Tooth Inspection, line up NOW. If you get very emotional about the lying, you may find they start lying in other areas too; at least, that was my experience. A comic combination of form mistress and sergeant major- with not too much focusing on my feelings- got me better longterm results.

frostyfingers · 04/05/2010 09:00

Yes - it's second nature, mine are utterly convincing and they are 11 and 15! I've called their bluff with the toothbrushing - I put the toothpaste on and then check. One night having told me they'd done them, I went up and found they hadn't and so I woke them up and made them do it!

I wasn't popular, but it's worked for the time being.

9 and 7 is a bit young for that, but I wouldn't take it personally, it's just the way of the world!

diddl · 04/05/2010 09:05

My FIL has dreadful teeth.

We tell ours if they don´t brush they´ll end up with teeth like grandad

I think this is an age where they are seeing what they can get away with though.

I don´t like lying but I agree that if too much is made over it then it can become a habit to lie about anything.

trixie123 · 04/05/2010 11:16

i am a senior school teacher and always had the most difficulty with parents who simply could not accept that their child might be lying to them about a version of events to get out of trouble. didn't matter how many witnesses (adults or children) there were, they would maintain their child's innocence on the strength of this belief that their DC could not lie to them (or that they would know if they were lying). Children lie all the time, doesn't make then bad people or us bad parents. would be nice if they didn't but that is what they do. (Will break my heart when DS does it for the first time though!)

oldernowiser · 04/05/2010 11:17

Thank god it's not just mine then!

SloanyPony · 04/05/2010 11:20

YABU to expect them to do it and not to lie, because its you who wants them to do it, as far as they are concerned it is pointless and for your benefit only.

You need to either suck it up or find a way to make them want to do it, to be self motivated to do it. It might be when they are a bit older to be honest even with the greatest skill.

I got interested in tooth hygeine when I started snogging boys. Then it was floss, mouthwash, clean teeth. Before then - couldn't give a toss, would wet my toothbrush and tell the old girl I'd done it.

ChippingIn · 04/05/2010 14:24

Two words: Disclosing tablets.

... and anything else you can use/find/employ to make them think you can see/hear everything

YABU - adults lie/kids lie

bonnymiffy · 04/05/2010 16:24

to SS (aged 8yrs) after he's used the loo - have you washed your hands and flushed? answer "yes" - bear in mind I have neither heard the tap run nor the sistern refill. And no, he's not keen on teeth-brushing either (have thought about disclosing tablets but haven't bought any yet). I'm sure I did the same when I was his age, but I'm not about to admit that IRL!

ChippingIn · 04/05/2010 22:12

bonnymiffy - I hope you say to him 'I am not stupid. Go back and flush the toilet and wash your hands' - without ever letting on how you know he hasn't done either - then when he gets a bit wiser and turns the taps on but still doesn't wash his hands - you can still tell by the sound of the water - still keep sending him back - they key is that he thinks you are just 'clairvoyant'

seeker · 04/05/2010 22:18

Be warned though. My father was incredibly strict with me - and I lied to him continuously and convincingly. I still think that I had no choice - he was unreasonable so I lied in order to have a moderately normal life. So pick your battles - and particularly, pick the areas where you call "fibs" and "trying it on" lying. There is a big difference.

ll31 · 04/05/2010 22:42

I'd hardly call it lying even.. more like what you do when you're ten and parents are continually asking you have you done whatever it was that you're supposed to have done that you don't want to do... seems to me that as children this is what you do and as adutls / parents you keep after them however frustratingly to do it! Definitely wouldn't see it as lying thougg in the sense of lying as a big issue..

nickschick · 04/05/2010 22:47

I think its a thing all children do , I have spent many years standing in the bathroom adminstering dollops of colgate on toothbrushes and watching them brush - it is a tedious job and im still doing it and ds1 is 16 .

AmandaCooper · 04/05/2010 22:48

Hmm DH tells this one all the time, the lazy sod. I could just about tolerate such a transparent lie from a 9 year old!

SeasideLil · 04/05/2010 23:16

I just shout 'this is the last chance to have nice fresh breath for school, do you want to have stinky breath for all your friends?' This seems to motivate my dds quite effectively.

nagoo · 05/05/2010 01:32

My DS lies all the time. He's only just 3. Did daddy brsuh your teeth? '.
Yes'

What did you have for tea at grandmas yesterday? 'Not fish fingers' (knows will not give him fish fingers again if he tells me).

Sly fox.

nagoo · 05/05/2010 01:33

brush. Sorry.

thumbwitch · 05/05/2010 03:00

YANBU to hope that they won't lie/fib but I think YABU to expect it.

So much easier to just say yes - my DH has never grown out of this facile fibbing and it pees me right off.

E.g.:
Me - are you ready to go?
Him - yes
Me - but you're not even dressed!
Him - yes I am, nearly
Me - no you're not - you're still in your PJs!
Him - it won't take me a minute...

Ok, I know it's not big in the grand scheme of things but it is symptomatic - too easy to tell lies rather than face any level of ticking off/tutting/haranguing if you tell the truth. I have told him that I won't put up with it because if he lies all the time about little things, does he lie about bigger things too? Could lead to a major loss of trust.

PLUS I don't want DS to take his lead from his Dad.

MoChan · 05/05/2010 07:17

My DSCs (7 + 11) routinely lie about having brushed teeth / brushed hair / tidied room / put xxx in the bin, etc

DD (3 in August) is too young to do stuff like that for herself.

Cretaceous · 05/05/2010 08:22

I think it's an innate skill!

My DD started telling lies when she was 3 (so watch out MoChan!). The worst thing is, she's so good at it.

She's 8 now, and she's so ready to suggest we both tell lies - "Don't tell daddy we've had our cake already, then we can have another one."

My DS (10) just can't tell lies, though...

cory · 05/05/2010 09:17

Do remember though that the fact that most children lie from time to time does not mean that most children grow up into unloveable untrustworthy adults.

What they will hopefully grow up into are adults who understand when a little lying is ethically acceptable ('oh, that sounds great fun, such a shame I can't come, but thank you for inviting me') and when it is not ethically acceptable (e.g. lying to your partner about the man you went to dinner with).

But to make those distinctions, you need to be relaxed enough to show them that not all lies are equally serious. Otherwise, they genuinely will grow up thinking there is not difference between a few polite phrases about a party and the kind of lying that undermines trust. And as they can't very well get out of the first kind of lying....

I would make the toothbrushing thing a bit of a family injoke, giving them the idea that this isn't really a lie, because we all know that you will try anything to get out of cleaning your teeth, but Mummy is smart enough to outwit you. If you can treat it like that, then you will keep it in proportion and they will soon learn it is not worth doing.

On the other hand, come down on them like a ton of bricks when it comes to serious lying, like trying to get a friend into trouble.

If they can get into serious trouble over tooth brushing, then I think the family may need to lighten up a bit.

MoChan · 05/05/2010 09:25

I am prepared for the worst, Cretaceous, even though she doesn't even seem to consider trying to lie at the moment.

I remember when I first met her half-sister, my dsd, when she was just 4, she couldn't lie either - you would ask her if she'd done a naughty thing, and she would pause, but then just admit it, as if she knew the option to lie was there, but just couldn't quite get her head around how to do it...

Less than a year later, she was an expert...

Her dad isn't a good liar, though. Well, he doesn't even seem to try, just blurts out the truth...

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