Should I tell someone about this or not get involved?

[TheChicOfIt]

DH's DD (9) told us yesterday that her mum had once pushed her on the bed and hit her cheek because she was rude and wouldn't eat her dinner. She also said that her mum sometimes grabs her arm or hits it hard, and has also hit her on the side of the head. DH asked her to demonstrate on him how hard she had hit her, and she refused as she said she didn't want to hurt him .
We told her that what she was saying was very serious and that she must never make anything like this up (she has been known to tell a few fibs in the past, but I'm not sure she would actually make something like this up). She got quite defensive, saying that she would not make something up to get someone in trouble.
She says the cheek hitting incident happened a few weeks ago, but I'm not exactly sure as she doesn't really have a true concept of time.
DH and I aren't sure what to do or how serious this is?
The last thing that we want to do is shit stir, but on the other hand, we are understandably worried about her.
We also can't be 100% sure that what she is saying is true.
Also, she has asked us not to say anything to her mum about it as she doesn't want to get in trouble.

Who would you be thinking of telling, if you were going to?

Are you asking if YABU to report it?

Its tricky. If she asked you not to say anything, then I wouldn't at this stage. How often do you see her? If its regularly, and you can keep an eye on her, and gauge how she is physically and emotionally etc, then it would be easier to not do anything.

Its just that 9 year olds can really be little minxes but also should be given the benefit of the doubt but you need to maintain good lines of communication with ex (sorry stating the obvious now)...

Not sure what I am asking to be honest - I'm just wondering what others would do if they had been told this I suppose?

I wouldn't necessarily report it to SS or something, but maybe mention it to their teacher? They might already have concerns, and at least are in a better placed position than you to monitor the situation.

I wonder if it's worth speaking to her school, tell them that she has made these allegations and do they have any evidence to corroborate it, a change in behaviour, seeming unhappy or do they think it could just be attention seeking behaviour?

Well yes it is legal to hit your kids as long as it doesn't leave a mark. But slapping your 9 year old across the cheek.......
Personally I was pretty appalled.

Talk to school, she is disclosing info to you an adult she trusts, its important you do something with it. If the mums got nothing to hide then there won't be a problem.

You could get good advice from the NSPCC about what to do [and ask anonymously if you need to]. Talking to school might well land them in the position of legally needing to take it further and then the whole thing would be taken out of your DH's DD's hands, which would most likely scare the hell out of her. She could end up denying everything even if it is true.

My suggestion for her would be to ring ChildLine if she wants to talk about anything [she doesn't have to give her name if she doesn't want to, and doesn't have to talk about anything she's not comfortable with]. But then I am a bit biased being one of their volunteers!

Its great you are concerned but I agree be careful bout what a child deems a slap and what actually happened.

I would speak to school too but do not mention what dh's dd said or they may get ss involved as they too have a duty of care for the girl.

oh glitter sorry x posted u!!

and and btw what does fwiw mean I'm fairly new here.

I didn't actually read this properly, she is your DH's daughter? Thought it was your DD's friend (bit tired, sorry!) This changes things a bit for me.

What does he feel should be done? I would still be wanting to talk to the school, to ask them if they've noticed anything and to keep an eye out (but making it clear that it may not be true so school did not take it out of my hands) but I think if I was him, I would want to speak to exW as well.

mumbar- for what it's worth. check the acronyms section.

Tricky one.I would try and monitor it a bit.

My DD who has just turned 10 can be very convinsing.We have a saying in our house about her "never in dought but often wrong"

That said I think she needs to know how serious her aligations are and what kind of action maybe taken as a result.

Difficult, but from what you have said I'd keep an eye on it and nothing else for a bit. My sister was a horrible liar when she was that age (I know not a nice thing to say, but true, and she's nice now . If your DH has an ok relationship with ex then could he possibly speak to her about the smacking 'policy' as a general thing? Am I being very naive?

Thing is LordVolAuVent, school may legally have to take it further whether they believe it or not. If it's a disclosure of abuse [and it comes down to the school's Child Protection Officer to decide whether it counts as that] then they legally have an obligation to report it, even if they know full well it's nonsense [e.g. child blaming someone who doesn't exist].

mumbar is right though in saying that what a child deems a slap may not be what actually happened...kids can take someone brushing past them in a hurry and with a few minutes' daydreaming turn it into a violent shove across the room which they can then be absolutely convinced happened. However, I would think generally 9 is past this stage of not being able to differentiate between truth and fantasy. BUT I remember at 9 myself I still had the habit of telling a story then adding on bits at the end which I knew weren't true, just to keep it going and get more of a reaction...I knew even as I spoke that it wasn't true and I felt bad for lying but it was like I couldn't stop myself! Thankfully grew out of that one...

glitter lol!!! Think we've all been there!! and ur right a captive audience is a fine thing.

OP please do continue to be concerned in case there is something in it but from what you've said it seems harmless to me and it is reasonable to expect dsd not to be happy about being punished.

Thank you for your responses - DH has quite a frosty relationship with ex - when it is all happy it is fine, but if he ever even very politely suggests an issue of some sort then all hell breaks loose - insults, attacking behaviour etc. She has been known to have anger issues in the past.
I think if he mentions it to ex, then she will deny it/play it down and then be very angry with DSD. Then DSD will be very disappointed in us and probably won't tell us anything again.
I'm guessing she is probably over -exaggerating a bit as I think she feels a bit lost at the moment and has been known to attention seek.
There are parts of her story that I truly believe however, as she got very upset and could barely say it - she had to hide under the duvet when she told me that her mum told her she had mental problems and that if she carried on like this she would end up in a mental institution .