When I feel like I'm going through pregnancy completley alone

[BextheBambi]

Hi, it's my first time here on Mumsnet, I'm a young soon to be mum, 4 months pregnant.
Me and my partner have been together for a long time and although the pregnancy was a real shock to both of us, we were genuinely happy about becoming parents.

I had to give up my job, as it was not ideal for a mum to be (door to door selling..complete scam but thats another story), I've been desperatley searching for a job full time and part time so i could help out with rent and bills, alas no where in the croydon area seems to be interested in someone who actually has qualifications. I realise this puts immense financial pressure on my partner, I apprciate all that hes doing and tell him quite often.

We live in a shared house with 1 of our close friend who is fine with me being pregnant (slightly too excited sometimes) however its 2 boys and 1 girl and i constantly feel as if I'm an outsider, they muck about building and fiddling with cars and making elaborate plans for things which i know is all down to Boys will be Boys. I have expressed several times that i feel a bit left out and tried to join in with things. My partner takes it in and all goes well for about a day and then it starts all over again.

Recently things have been getting worse at the moment i've been diagnosed with Labrynthitus (i know it sounds really cool,,trust me its not)which basically means my eye sight is very glichy and i feel like im permanently on a boat. Which means i havent been eating very much, as i constantly feel sick. When my partner came home one day and realised i had only eaten a yoghurt he completley flipped out saying "i dont think i can trust you to be alone with our kid" this sent me into a massive depression. I left the house and went and stayed with my mum for a day. In a very upset state i told him i couldnt see me forgiving him any time soon. My mum told me to talk things out with him. So i went back and i voiced my concerns, my feelings and how helpless and hard i was finding it.

Things have been ok, he promised that he would give up everything I had to give up and it helped cos it felt like he was there with me supporting me and i trust him enough to continue it at work. Yesterday he came home sat down and cracked open a beer, I looked at him and asked him if he was still giving up everything i was? He simply said Yeah but I've had a bad day. It really upset me because i used to relax after a bad day with a beer or a glass of wine but if i have a bad day when im preganant i cant suddenly decide its ok to break the rules. To make matters worse when i said this to him, he continued to annoy me. so in the end i stopped talking to him so i dint say something i'd later regret.

All i wanted was an apology for this as he'd early said its easy to give up everything, and i didnt force him to give it up. I just dont know what to do or how to handle the situation. Is it me being unreasonable?

You are both young, having a baby and sharing your space with other people. It takes time to adjust to living together and learn how to be both partners and parents. I wouldn't go overboard on him having a beer. It's a small thing really, although I do understand why you are upset - he said he would share the 'giving up' of things so you don't feel you are doing it alone. I think it is taking a bit of time for him to adjust, whereas you HAVE to adjust immediately because you are the one pregnant.
Is it at all possible for you to get a place together without flatmates? So far as the job situation - I would look for temp work and not tell them I was pregnant, because employeres will discriminate. You both sound as if as you are both doing your best and I'm sure you will be wonderful parents. Try to share the preparations for the new baby and spend as much time alone together as you can. Sorry I can't help you more. Congratulations btw

Thankyou saslou. We could get a place living without a housemate but living in Croydon the only places we can afford on our own are places that ideally no one would like to bring a child up in. We purposfully moved to this house because its in a quiet neighbourhood, near amazing schools and we also know the landlord.

Im trying my best not to get to stressed at him I know hes really trying sometimes, I think all the hormones and the illness is just getting on top of me. I really want to give this baby the security I never had.

sorry but how long have you been together, and how old are you both?
Im not judging here, but you sound very niave to believe that he will give up everything you have too.
Plus i don't actually think its fair to him.
If your upset about this now, good lord what your going to be like when he doesn't wake up to a screaming baby, or notice the pooy nappy smell meaning you having to do it all.

It sounds as if he has been trying to accomdate your request, so don't begrudge him a beer after a hard day, why don't you suggest he can give you a foot massage instead?
And im sorry but why the hell should he sacrifice stuff at work?
You wouldn't know, i don't get that mentality tbh.
You will have to learn the art of comprimise if you intend to stay sane lol.

I would also suggest you need to find a place of your own away from you+your DPs flat mates, being pregnant towards the end can make you feel extremely crappy and you will want your own space.

good luck with the pregnancy.

you really think everbody living with you will want to have a baby living there?

You can't expect them to all live around you having a baby.

Your friendships will suffer if you don't move out, sorry, but its true.

We've been together 3 years and I'm 20 he's 22.
the thing that wound me up was the fact i didnt ask him to give everything up just said to take into consideration the fact i feel a bit of an outsider, he was the one who volunteered and said it would be easy, didnt know what i was complaining about.

I realise that having flat mates isnt the best situation but i really wanted to give the baby everything i never had, the security of living in a secure enviroment.

I understand it's a bit niave to think he'd actually give up everything, but at the moment i really needed him to just not make fun of me and help out because of this labrythitus thing making everything a whole lot more difficult.

I've had labyrinthitis - urgh, horrible. I feel really sorry for you having this while you're pregnant and looking for work on top of all that.

Right now you've got loads of hormones flying about and you're going to be oversensitive to some stuff. I think you maybe overreacted to him having a beer - yes, he said he would stop, but it's not like he really needed to. You need to pick your battles more - is there any way you could have some time with just the 2 of you? That seems like a bigger deal to me. Hope you feel better soon.

KathyImLost- It is the most horrible thing i think i've ever experienced and being pregnant i cant take the medicine to treat iteither so i just have to wait for the virus to take its course.

We do get some time alone like his days off Monday and Tuesday which we do spend together. I think I should have probably calmed down a bit before reacting.

I guess im just taking alot of time adjusting from running around all day knocking on doors and being around poeple all the time to giving up most things and being on my own all day, friends and family all being quite far away.

I think what is annoying you is that HE made out it was easy to give stuff up, said he would do it too as it was such a doddle and then went back on it when he had a hard day without admitting it was harder than he was expecting...

I do see your point, but I also think that you need to let this go and work on a different kind of relationship from now on. Being pregnant is hard enough without being as ill as you are at the same time. You need him to be supportive of your difficulites, not dismissive of them. You need to try to forget the hurtful comment he made about not trusting you with the child, I doubt he meant it in the way it came out.

I would look out for any bumps and babes groups in your area, it would be nice to be in contact with other women in the same situation as you.

Do hope you feel better soon. Is this condition going to last throughout the pg? I do hope not.

According to the doctor should last for around anywhere between 2 weeks and a month so not to long. I really sypathise with anyone whos had this, apart from overwhelming urges to watch labarynth, its bloody awful.

Im trying desperatley not to hold the comment he made against him, but it is hard cos it hurt me so much as im sure it would anyone.

i think i may talk to him tonight about everything putting my count to 10 before reacting technique into practise.

Next time he has a beer, have a small glass yourself if that makes you feel better and a bit more included. I had an occasional glass of beer or a weak spritzer when I was pg if I fancied it The "rules" as you put them aren't set in stone and it's only recently that the NHS has said NO drinking when pg (AFAIK this was just to avoid confusion, didn't they say 1-2 units a week is OK for years?)

I did expect DS to give up smoking weed and tobacco since I had to but I think YAB a bit U to expect your DP to completely pack in drinking all together. What if you BF? You can't really drink then, will he have to stay teetotal until your DC is fully weaned as well?

Try looking on your local MN page for other mums in your area to meet up with. And join your ante-natal club on here if you haven't already. That's what MN is for!

I think you'll find everything much easier to handle if you can spend some time with people who can understand better what you're going through e.g. a bumps and babies group as previously suggested. I did aquanatal and antenatal yoga, I'm sure in Croydon you can find a thing or two, even if you're limited right now by the labyrinthitis. The routine of meeting other people will help if nothing else. Good luck finding a job too.

(sorry, just wanted to say that you can have a drink when you are breastfeeding. You wouldn't want to get hammered or anything, but the odd glass of wine/beer will be fine)

Thanks to everyone for replying. I rang my mum reluctantly because she's going through alot with my sister and my sisters marriage. She talked alot of sense, as she usually does, and said to talk to him let him know i how it made me feel and come to a comprimise i.e. not demading he gives up everything. She also said that when she was pregnant she'd occasionally have a glass of wine and her doctor actually told her to drink guinness regularly. Im definatley going to look up some aquanatal classes or yoga classes as i really enjoy excercising. once again I'd like to say thankyou to everyone, its really nice to hear some opnions other than my mum and my sisters.

Im sorry, i can't see how living with 3 other people will be a secure environment for a baby!
You are truely mad to believe this will work when the baby comes.

What if one of them decides to move out?
and you can't get someone to replace them/rent etc.
What if they actualy realise when the baby comes home that they don't want you there?

You sound very disorganised, and both very young, im sorry your not feeling well btw, hopefully it won't last long, your mum is right, you should tell him how it made you feel, it does seem like an over reaction on his part, but then he is again very young to become a father.

could you not go onto the council list, or apply for housing benifit to get a slightly better home?

if i understand correctly the OP and her DP live with one other person

Good luck with everything. The only piece of practical advice I can add is that don't worry about living in decent school catchment area just yet! I suppose that's OK for people who are buying, but for renting, assuming you are on 6 month contracts, you have plenty of time to move into decent catchment area, so that's something that might help (i.e cheaper area for just you and DP).
Oh - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with renting, don't think I'm trying to pressurize you into buying - you've got enough to concentrate on as it is.
Keep as healthy as you can and all the best.

I only live with 1 other person a long time and close friend of both myself and my partner. we've given our friend ample oppotunities to say if he doesnt want to live there, he is adamant that he wont move out, we've left it open for him.
By secure enviroment i meant knowing that the noise outside isnt someone being murdered or trying to break in but just a fox.
I feel that im not disorganised at all householdwise we've got everything under control, I'm young yes, but i've got most things under control i've pretty much finished getting everything i need before the baby comes, with much appreciated help from my mum. The house we live in with our part of the rent is well within our budget leaving us enough money to buy the essentials and pay the bills. i just want to help out because i've gone from being contributing when i worked to hardly contributing anything. The problem was more feeling like an outsider than money.

Hi bex! Please ignore patronising people who are moaning about you being young etc- it has absolutely no bearing on how good a mum you will be I promise. My mum told me once that women become mums while they're pregnant and men become fathers the first time the see the baby (in real life)! And Ive found that once you've got a big bump they become a bit softer and more understanding too. So talk to him lots but be patient too- he'll get there! Make sure you take it easy and try your best to eat small meals when you feel up to it. All the best sweetie xxxx