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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want support from DH when I want to study

16 replies

PinkFluffyslippers · 01/05/2010 09:15

I'm thinking of doing an Open University psychology course out of interest. But DH says it's a waste of time and money I could just as easily buy a few books and sit and read them. I'd like to do the course because I enjoy structured learning and essay deadlines. Problem is DH will have to pay for it as I don't earn as much as he does. Last night he told a friend about my plans and she agreed with him. It's not helped by the fact that DH and friend are both high flying academics and I'm not.

OP posts:

EccentricaGallumbits · 01/05/2010 09:18

Don't ask. TELL him you are doing it. Fill in the forms, order the books and get on with it.
Selfish arse.
Nothing to do with who pays.

CagedBird · 01/05/2010 09:19

YANBU why wouldn't he want you to further yourself in any way you see fit?

Ffrecklefface · 01/05/2010 09:29

YANBU. You have every right to continue your education.

However, his support will be very important when you're doing the course. I'm currently doing a post-grad law course, and without DH's help with DD it would be impossible to get the work done. Plus, he's interested in what I'm learning and how I'm doing, which makes it easier to stay motivated.

Good luck with the course.

dizzydixies · 01/05/2010 09:31

can you not get help with your learning with an ILA fund? I get £200 a year because am a low earner and I use this to do courses at the local college - would that help at all?

sdr · 01/05/2010 11:14

Am just about to sit down and do some study for my OU course - so YANBU. As Eccentrica said, just go and do it. Reading a few books is not the same thing. On a course you get structured learning, interact with other students, tutor and big sense of achievement when you pass a paper.

Why does he have an issue with you learning?

mamas12 · 01/05/2010 11:29

Agree with all so far but one question.
Why is he discussing it with a friend?

Molesworth · 01/05/2010 11:31

He has a shit attitude PFS. And an odd attitude for an academic. Does he really think that people shouldn't bother going to university when they could just buy a few books instead?

You go for it.

JaneS · 01/05/2010 11:32

Is your DH a specialist in this area? If not, surely you will need contact with a teacher to help you understand the books and learn from them? He's not thought this through, I think.

Journey · 01/05/2010 12:18

I think it depends on the cost of the course, and how feasible it is for your DH to pay for it. How genuine your intestest in psychology is is also of relevance here.

I think it is easy to say you should go ahead with the course but what will you do with the psychology course? If it is just purely for interest then I would say it is an extravagant way of learning. However, if this your only interest in life then perhaps it is fair that you are able to spend some money on it.

I think you're being a little harsh on your DH, ahd perhaps sound a bit inferior to him. Have you been reading up on psychology? Structured learning will involve you reading books after all. If you're truly motivated to learn psychology then you wouldn't feel that the structured learning method was the only route.

If you haven't even been reading books or articles on psychology for a reasonable amount of time then I'd say that the idea of starting a course, and the environment it offers, is more appealing to you than the actual learning of psychology.

I can't help but note that you explain why you want to do a course - "strucutured learning and essay deadlines" - but fail to say why you're intested in psychology!

Perhaps you need to explain things better to your DH.

webwiz · 01/05/2010 12:46

A lot of people really don't get the urge to learn just for the sake of interest PinkFluffySlippers taking Journey's post as an example. My DH is similar to yours in that everything has to have some sort of "purpose" and that you couldn't simply think "that looks interesting I'd love to have a go".

My answer was to sell it to DH on his terms - 'will help with career development','will enable me to explore a subject and have a recognisable qualification at the end', 'will give me a chance to start studying again in a supportive, structured atmosphere' or whatever is most appropriate.

I absolutely love studying with the OU and have just managed to convince DH that funding me to do a Masters in Psychology would be a wonderful thing to do. I am hoping it will lead to a career change but that isn't the only reason for doing it. Mostly it is for the intellectual challenge that I don't get anywhere else in my life at the moment.

So YANBU but you need to sell the positives and get him onside. (Must get back to studying now)

LittleSilver · 01/05/2010 13:00

OP, just do it. Then tell him. Yes, his support is nice but if you are doing just the one Level 1 course (are you?) you should maage just fine. FWIW, I'm one my second Level 3, DH isn't massively supportive (apart from paying from it, actually, that's quite a big one!) but I manage. So will you. And no, reading books is not the same. (I like deadline too!)

Original poster

PinkFluffyslippers · 03/05/2010 08:30

Thanks for all your responses....it's really made me think about why I'd like to do this course. It seems that all the OU students completely understand my point of view that its fun to study and learn, and reading a book just isn't the same. I love the challenge of studying. Having done OU courses in the past (pre motherhood and pre marriage) I know what to expect from their courses.

Also if I did an evening class rather than OU that would be far more disruptive to family life as that would entail DH babysitting or having to pay for babysitters. OU is the family friendly alternative!

I also think it's irrelevant what subject I'm studying and whether it'll improve my job prospects if I want to study the basket making skills of the hill tribes of Borneo then it's up to me!

For those OU students who know the jargon I'm going to start with an Openings course (£100) - just to ease me in to the subject. If I enjoy it then I"ll have a go at Level 1 course (£300). These are not amounts of money that will break our bank.

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 03/05/2010 09:15

I was imagining we were talking about at least a couple of grand. If DH is such a high flying academic and you're both earning, £100 won't break the bank. If you really want to do it stick to your guns and make sure DH gets on board.

I wouldn't do it in spite of him though, using his money, unless you want it to be a constant bone of contention between you.

EveWasFramed · 03/05/2010 09:36

I don't know...I would have a really hard time justifying £300 if it weren't going to improve my job prospects. I do realise that learning and studying is fun, but at the same time, I think that attitude is better pre children, pre marriage. I don't want to rain on your parade...
But...
I am doing a post grad full time...studying to become a librarian. It's a lot of money, time and 'suffering' sometimes for my DH and two DCs...I am not working, we are in debt, and I have to have time to study, so DH has to work full time at home as well as in his job.
However, we are coping, because we know that when I am finished, I will be able to contribute a fair salary when I am finished, and I will have a qualification no matter where life takes us. I am also doing this degree because it is interesting to me, and I am enjoying the work...but now that there is a family to consider, there needs to be some kind of end result that makes things better for all of us.
So while I am an advocate for education for its own sake (I was a teacher prior to having DCs), I think that's not really feasible when you have a family to support.

pamelat · 03/05/2010 09:43

YANBU I did my degree with the OU and currently do post graduate

They do a very low interest (almost 0%) finance scheme, could you pay for yourself?

My DH earns more than me, about double, but I pay for myself.

loobylu3 · 03/05/2010 10:38

It depends...
Why do you want to study psychology? Is it just a passing interest or something that you have been interested in for years? How much have you found out about the subject, do you read books about it already? Do you know what the course involves ie the syllabus? Is it anything to do with your current field of work or likely to be helpful in the future?

'I also think it's irrelevant what subject I'm studying and whether it'll improve my job prospects if I want to study the basket making skills of the hill tribes of Borneo then it's up to me!'

I think this is a bit of a selfish remark. It isn't just up to you if your DH has to pay for the course and possibly help with childcare, etc before essay deadlines, etc. It was 'up to you' before marriage/ children, etc but surely you must understand that your situation is different now.
I don't think that someone in this situation can just decide on a whim that they fancy learning about medieval history, inform their DH and then call him unreasonable when he is a bit dismissive. (I'm not saying this is you but you haven't really explained your passion for the subject, etc)

On the other hand, if your DH is simply being dismissive without trying to listen to why you are really interested in psychology and why you need a structured course to learn or being difficult about the money when he can easily afford it, then he is being unfair.

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