to be absolutely fuming about dh's response to my going back to work in September?

[Quicksilver]

I have been a SAHM for a few years and a few months ago decided to go back to work. I have got a job teaching (Maths) in a localish comp starting in September.
To get to work I am going to have to set off at 7am in order to miss the traffic.
Dh has flatly refused to help figure out the childcare arrangements and has just stormed off saying that I am the one who is wanting to work and upset the balance so I must sort it out.
I am furious. His life hasn't changed at all since having our dc's and I have been more than happy to look after our babies. However now they are a little older I want to get some of my professional life back.
so AIBU?

No you are not bloody being AIBU. It would not kill him to feed/dress/drop off DCs in the morning. However, if he really doesn't want to cooperate I suggest getting a very good childminder.

Has he always been a tosser?

Hmmm. He's being unreasonable, but it sounds like you made the decision to go back to work without really talking to him about it so now he's throwing his toys out of the pram.

Upset the balance? what the fuck does he mean? is he worried he might have to actually get his own children fed and dressed in the morning?

has he always been such a knob?

Well at least you want to go to work. I know some women have been TOLD to go back to work by their partners when they are not ready.
Your DH is being stupid, he can learn to cook and fend for himself for a bit.

Oh dear. This sounds horribly familiar. When we discussed it, DH's original reaction was "you do what you like - won't make any difference to me"

It worked out in the end though.

Don't panic.

We now have a system whereby he gets the kids up whilst I get myself sorted, then I drop them off at nursery on the way to work. That may not work exactly for you, but I really did think that he would be no help at all, but actually, when it came to it (and when he'd figured out how beneficial the effect would be on our bank balance...) he started to pull his weight.

Let your DH calm down, OP, then try and sort out some kind of compromise.

quicksilver, did you discuss going back to work or did you just decide one day that the dynamic was changing and DH was to go along with it? I only ask as it sounds like he has got a bit of a shock, or maybe I am clutching at straws and hoping he is not a total twunt.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I honestly dont mean it to be. And I do NOT think YABU for wanting a professional life back.

Maybe your husband is scared of change?

Nope, YANBU. Your DH is a twunt. Next question?

TheCrackFox - (hollow) lol. no, when we met he wasn't a tosser.
We could get a childminder but I don't want our children to have to be up, dressed and ready by 6.45am every day. Why can't he compromise?
FCB - he knew what I was doing but I don't think he truly believed it would happen.

Nanny?

No you are not being unreasonable. That is a massive over-reaction on his part.

Do you think when he has had time and realises that this IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING he might calm down and discuss the way forward rationally?

Maybe he needs 'managing' like a toddler?

I hope you sort it out.

Thanks eviltwin hopefully we'll come to an arrangement like yours.
thehillsarealive, I haven't surprised this on dh at all. I think he was expecting me to sort all childcare out with out having to involve him.
I can't believe he has stormed off upstairs. I am so cross!!!

If my DH said that to me I would tell him to fuck right off. For me I would see no point in having a DH if he isn't going to be supportive and behave in a loving way. I don't think he should get any say in whether or not you go back to work. That's YOUR choice imo and if it's what you want to do then childcare should be shared. I do get very pissed off at these men who think they are doing their wives a huge favour by helping to take care of their own children.
Sorry for rant

stick to your guns. I ended up backing myself into a corner to TRY (in vain) to placate a man who didn't want me to work (because really it inconvenienced him). He wouldn't recognise that all the sacrifices of parenthood were mine. It was a huge mistake to give in for a temporary quiet life. I grew to hate him. I had no salary by then though.

Not saying this will happen to you. But you are entitled to go back to work and you should WEATHER the storm that going back to work might cause, because caving for a quiet life is not a long term solution.

Please don't apologise saslou. I totally agree.
Unfortunately for me, I could tell my dh to 'Fuck Off' but it still wouldn't make him help me with the children.

YANBU.

ah i see, so he is just throwing his toys out of his pram?

If you want to go to work, probably best that you sort out childcare anyway and then you know it will be done correctly and for the good of you and the children, not to DH advantage IYSWIM?.

Could you get a nanny or nanny share in place for the DC?

Storming off wont solve anything, but neither will having a huge argument about it. I have found that men often like to think that solutions are 'their' idea before they compromise.

My next strategy would be to take responsibility for the children and not do anything for him at all,seeing as he is not willing to give you any assistance. I do, however, appreciate that it could get very nasty from that point. Please don't give up on the work idea though. I don't want to make too many assumptions about your relationship, but I think that having some financial independence might be a good idea