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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my in-laws to look after DD?

33 replies

SheWhoDares · 30/04/2010 22:16

DH had a very different upbringing to me - polar opposite to my sheltered middle-class childhood. Not a problem and, although we're very different, I try my best to get on well with the in-laws. However...the other night DH dropped the bombshell that his dad used to beat him with a belt as punishment when he and his brothers were 'naughty'. While DH claims this is a 'working-class thing' and hasn't left any emotional scars, but I'm absolutely disgusted.

DH and I have an arrangement in theory with the in-laws for them to look after DD one day a week when I'm back at work (cost-saving measure). However, now I know what I know I'm really unhappy about the idea. It's not that I think for one minute they'll use any violence on our DD - it's just I don't want the kind of people that could even contemplate doing that to their own children to look after our child.

I know it was a long time ago (the use of the cane was legal then). But AIBU feeling this way now?????

OP posts:
PeedOffWithNits · 30/04/2010 22:18

whats the problem, if you dont fear they will harm your DD?

i am not condoning what they did, but times have changed and I am sure they are well aware. there would be charges bought now!

MudandRoses · 30/04/2010 22:28

People change. Especially grandparents. My mum is MUCH softer on DS than she was on me.
They are the only ones your DC's got (apart from your parents, obviously!) so you ought give them the benefit of the doubt i think.

chiccadee · 30/04/2010 22:28

Part of the problem with family childcare is that it sometimes feels like a favour so you don't feel that you can lay down the ground rules.

But, for your DD, that is what you need to do - be nice, be subtle, but sit down with them at some point and discuss what is and isn't acceptable to you and your DH. If they are OK with your parenting style and are happy to back that up, I think YABU not to leave DD with them.

But, if they don't support you and your 'rules' (I use the terms loosely) then YANBU. If that's the case, find alternative childcare.

giveitago · 30/04/2010 22:29

Well, if you didn't have any issues before you knew this plus know they won't harm your dd then I'd say that perhaps you really weren't that keen on this babysitting idea and this is the excuse to get out of it?

My dh had same upbrining and there are lots of reasons why wouldn't let mil look after ds but how she brought up dh actually isn't one of them.

saslou · 30/04/2010 22:31

I don't think it is a working class thing to be hit. I am working class and never experienced this as a child. I would feel uneasy too. I think you need to discuss this further with your DH so that if your PIL do look after your DC, they do so in a way you are happy with and don't go against your beliefs.

mememe30 · 30/04/2010 22:35

My inlaws believe smacking is ok and they smack their other grandchildren (SIL is fine about it) but I have made it very clear that I do not agree with it and they must never smack my children. They have agreed to it and so I'm happy to let them look after my kids. I think it is always worth having a conversation with anyone who os looking after your children about what you think is acceptable

runnybottom · 30/04/2010 22:44

My PIL's used smacking, including with wooden spoons and stuff, but are as soft as shit with their grandchildren. They wouldn't even think of it.
Times change, people change. Don't deny then their GC and don't deprive your child without good reason.
I wouldn't say my PIL's were the best parents but they are brilliant grandparents.

larks35 · 30/04/2010 22:45

So you've known your DH for some time I imagine and all of a sudden he's dropped this bombshell? It doesn't sound to me like he had a violent upbringing, if you've only just heard about it.

I had a very middle class upbringing but still got a few wallops every now and then - probably not many (maybe 5 or so and not beatings just slaps iykwim) but I remember the last one was when I was 17!

My dad is now a very different man and I know he would never inflict violence on any of his grandchildren. Bear in mind the difference to parenting and grandparenting because it is a very different thing, there is less stress in that relationship and often a lot more joy.

Tell them that slapping is not allowed and see how it goes, but don't assume they're bad because of the different way they parented.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/04/2010 22:48

I agree that GPs are very different as Gps than they were as parents. My mum used to tell me hair-raising stories about my gran throwing chairs at her as a child, yet she never ever even so much as smacked me. She once threw a bucket of water over my aunt (apparently!) for coming home late, yet when I was a teenager she was there murmuring to mum about "och, leave her alone- it's different nowadays, they ALL come home late)

As long as they know your views I'm sure they will be fine with your dd. And the grandparent/ child relationship is potentially a really special one

FBlinkmademechangemyname · 01/05/2010 10:44

I would speak to them and say that you are aware they smacked their own children but that is not how you want things done and could they not do it to your DC otherwise you will find alternative childcare. They can't get offended by that. Plus as it is someone elses DC, they may have different views on how they can appropriately punish them anyway.

Original poster
SheWhoDares · 01/05/2010 21:25

Thanks for all your views. Just re-read my original message and I admit it sounds a little alarmist. My PILs aren't violent people - they just made some bad parenting decisions years ago. I'm pretty sure it won't impact on their care of our DD.

I think you hit the nail on the head giveitago - deep down I've never been completely comfortable with them looking after DD one day a week, and this is the excuse I need. Previously, my only concerns were little things. Things like their propensity to keep the televison switched on constantly as background noise, and their poor grammar (I'm aware I sound like a real snob now). It's not like I can quote these as real concerns to DH - but the 'belting' incidents are far more serious.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 01/05/2010 21:27

My DP's parents were very fierce with him and his brother - lots of hitting, including with a belt, and other physically and verbally violent stuff.

With their grandchildren they are so soft it is ludicrous - they are like putty in their GCs hands and indulge their every little whim.

Neither form of childcare suits me, so I don't go there much.

MarshaBrady · 01/05/2010 21:34

Can you make alternative childcare arrangements?

Not so much due to the belt, (I mean if you are sure they will not do it again, which I'd say they probably wouldn't), but it is important you are not too stressed about it while at work.

You need to feel comfortable.

pigletmania · 01/05/2010 22:03

YABU SWDW even you do sound quite harsh and judgy, they are still your dd gp and do not sound a threat or violent, just because you have issues with their grammar or keeping the tv on, just tell them not to. Get over yourself, would you do that if they were YOUR parents. Years ago smacking and giving the belt was the norm is disciplining, does not mean then will do the same to your dd, things have moved on from then. I was smacked a handfull of times by my parents, but was very much loved by my parents and had a lovely childhood, guess i should not have backchatted or sworn at them then taught me right

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:14

cycling christ get a grip what a disproportionate fuss about nowt

so lets be clear you have no substantive reason in fact you say "It's not that I think for one minute they'll use any violence on our DD" - so whats your beef

unfurl your brow and dont deny a child its grandparents

your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up to your unsubstantiated whining about his parents

bonkers

PixieOnaLeaf · 01/05/2010 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Supercherry · 01/05/2010 22:38

Having the TV on as background noise and poor grammar are hardly crimes of the century. So, your PILS are different to you, variety is the spice of life and all that.

Supercherry · 01/05/2010 22:40

Oh and another point, they obviously did a pretty good job of raising your DP- after all you're with him.

scottishmummy · 01/05/2010 22:42

you want free childcare from them,but deride their abilities and background?

but happy to use them to cushion your financial commitments

pil not good enough for you,but good enough to consider utilising as unpaid carers

bonkers

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 01/05/2010 22:42

One of the things about parenting is actually it's not all within your control, IMHO. Your child is your child, but they're also their grandparent's grandchild, your DH's child, your nephew/niece's cousins, etc etc.

All these people will play their part in shaping your child's upbringing, and unless they are actively harmful, then IMHO you need to enable that part to be played for your child to have a good, rounded life. After all, if something happened to you wouldn't you want as many relatives as possible to have good strong relationships with your child so they can love and support them as much as possible?

If you instil good values in your child, then grannie having the telly on all day one day a week or dropping their h's will not turn them into a delinquent junkie. Honest.

TheCrackFox · 01/05/2010 22:46

Goodness me - background TV and poor grammar . Why on Earth did you marry their son, don't you know he will revert to type?

You do know that an awful lot of people working in childcare will have a similar background?

SolidGoldBrass · 01/05/2010 22:50

It's OK to tell anyone who is looking after your DC that you do not feel any kind of corporal punishment is acceptable. However, WRT the rest of your gripes, get the fuck over yourself. Your DC will have to encounter common people at some stage, you know. And spanking, caning and whipping children, and depriving them of food happened plenty in posh families a generation or so back. Only stupid people think that family violence only happens in proletarian households.

violethill · 01/05/2010 23:05

I think you are confusing several separate issues here.

You are appalled at some aspects of your PILs child rearing. That's fair enough.

You don't for one moment think your PIL would physically punish your child. You don't seem to feel there are any risks about leaving your child in their care - so no issue to worry about there.

However, you have reservations, you don't feel you want your PIL being responsible for your child on a regular basis while you work. That's fine. Make alternative arrangements. Your DD can have a perfectly happy relationship with her grandparents without you having to use them as unpaid carers so you get to keep more of your earnings.

So - pay for proper childcare while you work, allow your child to build a happy relationship with her wider family, and don't tie yourself in knots analysing your PIL behaviour from the past.

Original poster
SheWhoDares · 02/05/2010 20:23

Thanks for giving it to me straight - perhaps I needed that virtual kick up the backside! Truth is, I know deep down that I'm being a snob. I suppose I do need to get the fuck over myself (to quote SolidGoldBrass!). After all, PIL aren't bad people - and I can hardly dictate if they're giving up their time to look after DD

OP posts:
diddl · 02/05/2010 20:34

If you´re not completely happy about it-for what ever reason-don´t do it!

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