to wonder why my 'friend' became so aggressive?

[Renlovesyou]

Hello, my first ever post, please be gentle with me! Its quite long!

My friend has two sons, and I am currently in the very early stages of pregnancy.

We were chatting about the advice given to mums to be and I said I welcomed advice, as anything that stopped me from unknowingly harming my unborn could only be a good thing.

She argued that 'mums know best' and that parents/pregnant mothers should be the ones to decide their diets, even if they want to smoke and eat junk food all day. I didnt disagree with a mother having choice but said alot of mothers may need advice and help (as its not common knowledge to some), and doctors have to offer it to make sure mother and baby stay safe and healthy.

She then told me to 'F* off and come back and preach when I have had a baby and know what Im talking about'

She obviously doesnt know Im pregnant. I wonder if she just doesnt like ideas that dont match her own... Is her response to our debate crazy, or have I inadvertantly said something that warranted this reponse?

Seems a bit of an overreaction. On the defensive maybe? Maybe it makes her feel better when she smokes to use the excuse that 'mums know best'?

clearly she smokes and gives them junk food.

oh that was harsh, is she going through a rough time with anything? Because those replies were nothing to do with you by the sounds of it. I'm pregnant with my first too and I welcome advice from everyone! how long have you been friends has she acted like this before? x

IMO her response was very strange, and defensive. Maybe you touched a nerve (although can't see how from your description of the conversation)?

I agree with you btw, I welcomed advice, and guidelines on diet etc exist for a reason. But of course we're not obliged to follow them if we want to do our own thing.

Could she have interpreted what you said as a criticism of her parenting methods?

You may not have intended it to be one but that is maybe how it came across to her.

Having said that I think her reaction was rude and a bit extreme. Perhaps she was tired and stressed out caring for two kids. Not really an excuse for telling someone to "F* Off" admittedly, perhaps you inadvertently wound her up.

And congrats on the pregnancy

Thankyou, guys! I honestly couldnt see how our conversation had digressed into personal attacks when I was only talking about advice in general!

Feels less like a nutter now!!!

Is she always an arse?

Has she ever told you to F* off before?

I can only think of two friends I wouldn't immediately drop for saying that to me, and only because we've been through so much together and I'd assume they were under extreme stress.

Congratulations from me too.

That's not a normal reaction on her part so yanbu about that.

I do think that you might be being a tiny bit U about welcoming advice given that you are not showing yet and are therefore unlikely to be given unsolicited advice at inappropriate times by random strangers who once read something in a newspaper article about how rubbing your eyes/standing up quickly/turning around leftwards instead of right is statistically linked with some rare disorder. (None of those things are true BTW, in case you're gullible enough to worry about them.)

Do you not think she, not knowing you were pregnant, thought you were trying to criticize her? If I were her, and a friend with no children started talking about what pregnant mums should do, I would be wondering if that friend was having a go.

Just a thought.

Ive known her a long time, so we do have some difficult chats sometimes.

Shes quite aggressive generally, TBH. And she often seems to think I know less about health issues because Im not a mum yet (although it also came up in this conversation that she didnt think Mc Donalds is bad for you....)

Thanks for your comments guys! I'll see how she is next week, it might have been a tough week for her! If shes still swearing like a nutter, I'll re-evaluate!

mcdonalds isn't necessarily bad for you, just not particularly good for you... I'm starting to see this from the other point of view now - maybe you were a little preachy!!

Especially as someone else said if you she doesn't know you are pregnant but you started going on about bad choices pregnant people make, she quite possibly though you were having a go at her about something she's done with her kids.

Depends how you worded your views, whether there's background, previous etc.
Only uou can know.

Personally I can bear preachy, prescriptive, scared -of-everything types no better than women who crray on boozing and smoking when pregnant.

But I think thats an extreme, most women - esp those who have been pregnant more than once - will use their own common sense.

I remember being questioned about some food I had eaten over christmas when pg - I'd had a bit of nice chees, some pate, even had a glass of wine with xmas lunch - by a family friend...and tbh i would have happily told her to fuck off. If only I had had a bit more booze

Dont worry bran, I work for a health charity so lots of the docs have told me all about the myths I'll encounter, but Ive also had alot of bare facts too (that have scared me senseless!!!)

Labour... eeek!

perhaps she is newly pregnant and hormonal herself??????

Thanks AhLaVache, I dont think a little bit of what you fancy when pg means you are the devil incarnate, esp if it means you can enjoy your pregnancy. Wine can be good for you in fact!

I just think that docs have to make everyone aware because some people just dont have a clue at all, and they cant be too careful.

(also, I said that to 'friend' and she continued shouting and swearing)

firstly congrats.

tbh thought a lot of newly pregnant mothers sound incredibly preachy as in their ignorance they have no clue what life is like post baby. i suspect you inadvertently fell into that camp hence the reaction.

What herhonesty said.

Congratulations!

You seem quite reasonable Id say. Alot of Mums assume no-one knows anything before childbirth and get funny with anyone who questions them. Especially if you dont have kids, they think you are stupid!

Having a kid doesnt make you Gillian McKeith.

Listen to some of what the doctors tell you, its for your own good most of the time!