To feel guilty about going back to work?

[OTTMummA]

This is not going to turn into a SAHM vs Working parents issue, please!

BUT,, I am returning to work soon after over 3 yrs not working, i am looking forward to it, but have been taking my DS to nursery to get him used to it, he has been a total of 7 days so far and today is his first full day :S and he has got another 7 to go until i work full time.

Thing is, he has just started to realise/remember where we are going when we leave the house and has started to cry for cuddles the last 5 mins of the journey, and this morning DH said, " has DS got his first whole day at Nursery today!??" and DS looked upset and said, " No Nursery ", it broke my heart, even though i was listing all the nice things about nursery to him.

I haven't cried about it YET, but can feel its not going to be long until im sobbing like a baby.

any advice, and reasurance im doing the right thing would be lovely.

My son was upset at first going to nursery and used to cry. It was more the newness of it rather than not liking it i think. He loves it now though

I do feel for you, it's hard, but it will get better. At the moment your DS is probably picking up that you are a little anxious and also, children hate change.

I assure you, as soon as you leave him at nursery, he will have a great time and play and learn important stuff from interacting with children his own age.

You need work and he needs other children. You are doing the right thing but change is never easy.

Good luck!

Don't feel guilty.

You have decided that this is the right thing to do for you and your family. Your DS is probably just picking up on the change and it will take him a little while to get used to it.

FWIW both my two sometimes claimed that they didn't want to go to nursery but then got there and had a ball.

It will be ok, honest.

Why doesn't your son like it? Did he tell you why?

How old is your ds? If he's 2.5 or over, really he needs to be meeting other children for a significant part of the day. I'm a SAMH at the moment (pg with dc2) so technically could keep dd home all day, but she goes to preschool for a morning session every day. It is good for her!

You have had the fantastic opportunity to be home for ds till now. I don't think you need to feel guilty

no, he can't tell me why, but today when i dropped him of i stayed by the door and after 2-3 mins he had stopped crying

If i was worried about the care i wouldn't of put him the that nursery at all.

DS is nearly 2.4 years old LWAFU, and yes he needs stimulation outside of the home TBH as i have no friends here with children that he sees regularly

I was sent to a local playgroup at 3 and reacted similarly to your ds and was removed after a week.

I think it was probably, on balance, not such a good thing for my parents to do.

My sister was not treated in such a pfb manner and at the age of 25 she still has friends she met in that playgroup! Two of them are about to be her bridesmaids! I don't think I should have been let away with it, it would have done me good to confront my fears of mixing with the other kids then, rather than have the traumatic transition to 'Big School' a year later. I don't think I was naturally more shy than my sister (as we are both extroverted adults) but she has great memories of playgroup and I have none because they were so worried about my tearfulness!

Of course, you are not being unreasonable to feel guilty because that's just what mums do. However, at 3, he will get over it and may thank you in years to come!

I think if you can reassure yourself that he settles fairly quickly then that´s OK.

I don't have children yet, but I was sent to nursery from a young age. It actually helped me with seperation anxiety as when I went to school later on, I was happy to go and not clinging on to my parents. I think at some point, you're going to have this arise, either now with the nursery or in a few years time when he goes to school.

I know that doesn't make it any easier, but you are doing what's best for you and your family.

Apparently when I went to nursery at age 3 I cried every day when my dad dropped me off, but only till he was out of sight...

My son cries because he wants to stay with me not because he hates nursery IYSWIM. Yours will settle quickly if he is going in every day, if he's only in one or two days it will take longer. Mine has just moved rooms in nursery and he's started the crying again, but he's fine when I pick him up and I've got no concerns about it.

picked him up 30 mins ago and he was coming down the stairs on his bum laughing, so i think he's ok there, just doesn't like leaving me.

thanks for your stories though, helpful to know its ok.

Gosh, my son did that too. It just rips you in two sometimes.

I got the the point where I didn't mention anything. He just started to cry when we got close to nursery. The ladies there said he settled quickly though and he often wasn't keen to come home at the end.

I cut my hours back a lot the next year (teacher so I am locked into full academic years), only to find him moaning/crying at me because I wasn't taking him to nusery somedays and he wanted to go! I guess young children just know which buttons to press sometimes!

A mother's place is in the wrong!

Having said that, how old is ds and do you have the option of deferring your return to work?

Going to play devil's advocate here, I'm afraid. I went through the same thing with DS. he cried every time I left him. I was told he was just 'protesting' and 'expressing a preference'. But when i picked him up he seemed quieter and a bit withdrawn. And it wasn't LIKE him to cry at being left.
So I went with my gut instincts and moved him to a childminder, where it was much more one-on-one care, (although she actually cared for several kids - but it was calmer, and more attention was paid to him) and he was instantly happier. He never cried being left. Not once.

And i'm sorry to say, evidence firmly shows that under-3's do not 'need' other children, they need a close, family-style caring arrangement. They only 'need' socialisation after about 3yrs.

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or worse than you already do, but just - trust your instincts; you know your child. The best nursery in the world is not able to provide anything like one-on-one (or even focused, calm one-on-two or three) care.

Agree with MudandRoses about a 3 yo not needing other children. I used a childminder for my own dc.

"And i'm sorry to say, evidence firmly shows that under-3's do not 'need' other children, they need a close, family-style caring arrangement. They only 'need' socialisation after about 3yrs"

I think the OP's baby is 3 or over?

no, i can't defer my return to work really
DS is nearly 2.4 yrs old, and he loves being around other children, he loves running around with them and generaly likes the company of children.

He was laughing when i picked him up today, and later this evening when we mentioned nursery he didn't cry or get sad etc, so i think its just seperation issues.

I think now after seeing him after a full day at nursery that im ok with it.

My instincts tell me he's happy once im gone and has lots of fun.
I would of prefered to wait until he was potty trained TBH, but thats something he's not ready for yet.

There is a 1 to 4 ratio in his room, plus a trainee, so 3 people in the room with 8 of them, i think thats completely fine.

thankyou everyone.

when at home talk about positives of nursery
ask ds about his day,things done
invite some pals over for a wee tea

and grow a thicker skin for comments about being a working mum.expect some loon to beat you with research and bang the biddulph tambourine of neglect

and enjoy being back at work

It sounds like you're feeling better about it, and that he's ok. I'm glad