to think that if..

[Kaloki]

..you came round my house, insisted on doing the washing up, despite to being told (firmly) to leave it alone.

You shouldn't then act all martyred about it, and should also actually wash the plates rather than hiding them in various cupboards covered in a film of grime.

Every fucking time MIL visits I have to go through the same farce.

• Shall I do the washing up?
• No, it's fine thankyou, I will do it
• But it needs doing
• And I will do it, thanks anyway

(Repeat with various different phrasings)

• It really should be done
• Honestly, just leave it

I then turn my back for a split second, and she's got the bloody rubber gloves on (that she brings round specifically since I started hiding mine!!!)

Enter DP

• Mum, you don't need to do that
• (Sigh) No, well, I have no choice

Me and DP exchange annoyed looks.

Then once she has left I have to retrieve all the plates etc form wherever she's hidden them (she likes reorganising the cupboards) and re-washing everything.

What on earth is wrong with her? AIBU to think this isn't normal behaviour?

Of course it isn't, but what she's trying to do is shame you into doing your own washing up before she comes over.

Annoyingly, if it isn't the washing up, it's something else, and she likes to turn up with little to no notice. I want to stop opening the door to her, but DP wont let me.

I'd do it anyway if he's not there to know, and claim you were in the shower or on the loo if he takes it up with you.

I hate people dropping by uninvited. Hate it hate it hate it.

Loathe this sort of behaviour, but then I am disturbingly anal about this sort of stuff so I may not be the measure of a reasonable response. My MIL comes to stay for weeks at a time and insists of doing our washing. She'll get things out of the dryer, fold them and leave them on the countertop, ready to pick up cooking smells and an open invitation to the cat to come and lie on them. I have been so mad with rage that I've had to go down to the bedrooms and punch pillows . She does other stuff too, which adds to it, so I think it's all a build up of me wanting to scream "Get out of my fucking space, you're not doing it properly, fuck off fuck off fuck off!!!"

Not got any suggestions for dealing with it, I'm afraid. I have ended up saying, "I would rather you didn't" so that when she does at least she knows that she's going against my wishes. Makes bugger all difference, though. Just wanted to say YA deffo NBU.

And... deep breaths.

Oops!!! called in (by appointment) at Ds's home (he asked me to be present when mortgage broker called)

Was surprised to see washing up from the night before still there and plates etc. on the kitchen bench.

Rest of the house immaculate.

Automatically started to wash up and he insisted I leave it. As I was early I kept washing up rather than sit and do nothing.

Turns out it was DP's turn to wash up and she hadn't done it.

Came huffing and puffing in the door 15 minutes later and went straight to the kitchen.

After giving a big squeal she gave him a big kiss and hug and said Thankyou,thankyou, thankyou.

He grumbled and said "I didn't do it, Mum did".

She then gave me a big hug and kiss.

He told me later that she never washes up when it's her turn (on the nights he goes to footy training) and he was going to leave it.

He has always been a neat freak (not over the top but likes everything to be clean and tidy all the time)

Next time she comes and says that can you just say something very to the point like 'oh no, I'll do that, I know which cupboards to put everything in, also you have to wash everything off a lot with our water otherwise the grease/bubbles stick to the plates when they are washed - theres a knack to it!'
If she does her ususal insistence then say you'll dry while she washes and just repeatedly hand the dishes back to her 'oh, sorry this ones not clean yet'
Hopefully even if doesnt put her off doing it, it will at least ensure she does it properly!!!

That's a good idea! Do you think anyone would mind if I broke a couple of plates over her head first though?

YANBU if she is turning up unannounced and the house isn't spotless waiting for her.

It is impossible to keep housespotless all the time or we'd be making meal and then washing up, washing, using bathroom and then cleaning it. When would we spend time with our DC and Dp's or DH's???

If a friend etc is popping over I make an effort to make sure all's clean but to be fair even if they ring and say thought I'd pop over so our DC's can play in an hour it's not enough time to do all washing up, iron and put it all away!!!!

Perhaps try the tack of - if you really want to help perhaps you could do some ironing for me its time consuming whereas I can wash up quickly !!!

Felx that is an excellent idea!!!

I thought it was an unwritten rule that you never interfere with how your dil runs her household?

Despite the anachronistic (but still often accurate) assumption about how family work is divided, I think this is a good rule.

My (once extremely houseproud, super-efficent housewife) Granny would chew her own hand off before (even implicitly) criticising my (really quite slovenly) mother's housekeeping.

She drives her own daughters bonkers, but they have to love her as she is their mother.

Yanbu. It is time for your dp to have a big conversation with her.

To be fair to DP, he's tried, however she has selective hearing, and an even more selective memory. Which is great fun!

We had to live with her for a while before getting this flat, and she's always said we made a mess at hers. I think she's trying to make some weird point now. She turns up with multiple carrier bags of junk the charity shop she volunteers at rejected presents, which clutter up our not so big flat. Then acts as if washing up that isn't done the second you put your fork down is horrifically messy.

Also, all this from a woman who, the last time we visited, had 5 (!!!) different plates of rotting fruit in her kitchen/dining room! So she's not a clean freak, just nuts!

skidoodly I thought that too, but after dealing with MIL thought I best check with the MN jury, to see if I've just been making it up.

Kaloki - just pick your arguments very carefully-some things are worth the shit some things arent.

I argued with my MIL about all sorts of stuff and now shes not here I even miss the stupid things she did to annoy me.

Your not!!!

YANBU - she is slightly off her rocker there. Especially bringing her own gloves! Can I suggest you frisk her at the door?

Perhaps she is just desperate to be seen to be useful - you'll have to make sure that she knows she isn't being helpful.

My MIL has a tendency to be over-helpful - sometimes ok, others not. FOr e.g. - she babysat DS for us while we went out curtain shopping (ugh) and when we got back she had hung out the washing - great! BUT after lunch she asked (thankfully) "Shall I bring the washing in for you?" - it wasn't even bloody dry, she always brings it in damp and then I have to hang it up again anyway to dry (no airing cupboard in this house) so it completely negates the initial helpfulness. I said no thanks, even when she asked again half an hour later (still not dry).

So she pulled out a climber that I really liked in a bush that I didn't like instead.

thumbwitch Sounds like the kind of thing MIL would do! Nuts isn't it, have already told DP if I ever act like that when we have grown up kids, he's to shoot me.

my mum thought she could do stuff like this when I first left home - despite the fact that her own house is a complete tip permanently!

It took my lovely (now departed dad) who never stood up to her normally to say "leave it it's radstar's house not yours" in that certain tone you never disobey. I think she was shocked into submission I wish he could come and sort a few other things out now too....!

My MIL used to do this.

I bought a dishwasher

She now busys herself in the garden which is fine by me because I don't hear the constant comments which my DH can never hear anyway (mutter mutter grumble grumble)

Apparently feminism never got as far as her, despite me being the breadwinner of the household and payer of all bills etc I am the one who has to be the good little wifey and mother.

How many times can you mouth "FUCK OFF" behind someones back before they get the hint?!

I do actually like my MIL just not on my turf!

Oh bloody hell busys = busies, being away from work is doing wonders for my spelling clearly!

Last year I pulled all the tendons and ligaments in my foot and leg,
MIL arrived unexpectedly one day to find me hopping round on one leg like a demented frog, trying to wash kitchen floor & living room on my crutches,
she went an sat in the dining room till Id finished.

YANBU.

My mum also does this; with an added twist - she sees the dishwasher as some sort of symbol of moral laxness and refuses to use it.

So if she eats at ours, she insists on washing up the dishes straight away, 'ooh, it doesn't take a minute to do them by hand..'

Unfortunately, in her enthusiasm to demonstrate just how quick and easy it is to wash up by hand, she a) leaves the plates dirty and b) generally breaks something

I mean, obviously she means well, and at least she doesn't act martyred, but still...

I get on famously with DS's partner, basically because we are both a bit lax in the tidying up department.

She loves it when I wash up.

DS once told her he might leave because she is too much like HIS mum