Im broody. And poorly. So Im feeling awful about everything.
I feel guilty with a capital G that I have a sickness bug today, so tomorrow the kids will be chucked in the garden to play while I curl up and vomit/sleep/cry. They may even get a film on tv if they are lucky. I want to take them swimming/park/do painting etc etc and I beat myself up that Im a crap mum cuz on my day off Im ill.
And Im broody. So broody that I have to cross the road when I see a newborn or preg lady. I concieve instantly so thats not the problem, but we live in a 2 bed house that is in neg equity so we cant move, and we already have 2 kids, DD,3 and DS1 who share a tiny room. Its not fair.
I need to be grateful that I have two lovely healthy children, but I feel like there is a little space that needs filling.
And I had severe PND that wasnt sorted properly with both children, so I choose not to remember their first few months when I wanted to have them taken into care
I want to breastfeed too. I couldn't with my DD, and because of the horrendous time I had (and because my son was 32+6 premmie), I chose to put him straight to formula. I did put him to the breast once, after a few weeks, even though there was no milk, and he comfort sucked so beautifully that I convinced he would have fed like a dream. But I felt dirty and wrong doing it, even though I loved it. I felt like he wasnt mine to do that to.
Sorry I needed to just write down how I was feeling to try and stop the tears flowing.
My sweethearts are all tucked up in bed, but my 18mnth old has had the sickness bug too, and I know that there will be dihorrea to clean up within the hour.
Its a constant never ending cycle of stripping beds, washing, empty dishwasher, feed dogs, hoover dog hairs/bread crumbs/STUFF off my sodding floors, etc etc.
Sorry. Just down.