to think I might as well give my children a bag of sweets and sit them in front of the TV 12 hours a day

[fernie3]

My children are 5, 3 and 1. My three year old is being assesed for development and attention problems. My 5 year old is only in reception and is already struggling with things. Today she came home with a letter saying she will be having "one to one" attention three times a day to help her "develop key skills".I agree with this she is way behind the others even though she is the oldest in the class. Both of them have been behind at every single development check they have ever had. I have read with them, I have played with them , I have bought them "educational toys" and I have gone to all of the development sessions and parenting classes I have been offered which have not actually told me anything I dont already know.

I got the letter and just felt like crying especially at the statement at the bottom of the letter "please remember to read to your child" "it is important to bring your childs book bag in every day". I know it is just a silly letter but now I honestly think I have wasted hours trying to help them when I might as well have just thrown them some sweets and shoved them in front of the TV they probably would have learned more.

I have a one year old and a new baby due in a couple of months and I seriously think I might as well just accept fate and let them do what they want.

I don't know what to say to help you,but having read your post, I didn't want to not reply. I think that you are doing everything you can for your Dc and have no reason to feel bad. If you had not read with them etc, things could be considerably worse wrt how they are learning. All I can suggest is that you arrange a meeting with the school to discuss what you can do to further help the DC and to point out how hurt and insulted you feel at receiving such an insensitive letter. Really, schools ought to know better as these letters are draughted by allegedly intelligent people! Sorry you are having such a hard time

em, is there a law that says you have to have the assessment? She is 3! Can you not cancel it? there is so much research being done that confirms that children learn at different paces, in a lot of European countries children don?t read until 6 or 7, they don?t suffer in the long term. There is too much pressure IMO in this country for children to be doing lots early, it just make parenting more stressful.

I don?t think it sounds like you have done anything wrong. My DC1 is 2 ½ and has not had a single development check yet so I wouldn?t have a clue how she compared to what the health visitor thinks she should be doing.

Do you think your 3 year old is doing ok? If so trust your judgment and tell the health team to bog off.

You're doing all the right stuff.

A lot happens in Rec and Y1(ex rec,KS1 teacher here),you'll be amazed at the progress they can make.It can work both ways too,you can get kids that fly to begin with that grind to a halt. Some kids just mature later(both dp and I were like that and we have 3 degrees between us).

They're still so little.Just carry on with what you're doing and support the school,go in and ask what you can do it's amazing how beneficial a little each day can do. Mornings are good,I can't manage mornings but I do find my 3 are fresher then.

In the long run everything you're doing will reap rewards-honestly it will so carry on.

I'm not surprised you feel upset that letter sounds patronizing, I'd probably write a snotty letter back letting them know I have a brain.

yanbu i feel like i might as well feed my ds pure sugar washed down with coke...

My parent teacher meeting for my 4 year old was last week. First thing they said was 'Now that we have an adult sitting next to XXXX during all group activities we find things are going much better.

How the heart sinks. He can't read - at all. He can't sit still, he hasn't made any friends.

But hey - he's great with dogs, is able to reset all the passwords on my laptop, has learned how to unscrew all the sockets in the house, and can identify all the different car badges, including quite rare ones like Subaru. He can also whistle and click his fingers properly.

Really - concentrate on the things that make your child special and don't get sucked into worrying about their academic progress so early.

You sound like a wonderful mum - much better than me. My children might as well have been raised by wolves the amount of help that they've had with reading and homework. Hasn't stopped my older two being in top sets for everything. But my youngest is different - as he has a right to be.

I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to be able to read

I sympathise - my DS9 was like this - way behind at every check he ever had - he still is now.

The difference - your dd is getting some help which i wanted and tried to get for years but never got anywhere - they left him to struggle and struggle and his self confidence plummeted.

I used to get the "you must read to him" and i would say repeatedly - I do read, i read every night, I read myself and i cant possibly do anything else - Im sure they looked at me as though i were the stupid one.

Not sure what you can do except develop a thick skin and repeat yourselve to them

I really sympathise with how you're feeling. I have a DS with AS, and the only way I got through his primary school years was to develop skin like an elephant's. When SEN people would sit with my DS for ten minutes then procede to tell me, who'd obviously been with him since birth, what was going on with him and his behaviour, I had to grind my teeth to stop myself from swearing at them! Talk about stating the obvious, some of them talked to me like I didn't know one end of my son from the other!
Those comments ("remember to read to your child") are just umbrella remarks, put there for those who DON'T bother to communicate with their kids, and that isn't YOU. It's just procedure, it's not personal, although I understand it's upsetting and infuriating. My DS will only eat cheese and bread (fussy eating is part of his AS). I tried everything to introduce new foods. After about seven years a teacher very helpfully asked, "have you tried disguising new foods?". Ooh, I never thought of that, I wanted to say very sarcastically, but you just have to bite your lip and stay polite! You know they only mean well.
I know how important it feels to want the teachers/ed. psych/SEN people to know you're doing all you can, but I'm sure after talking with you for even the briefest of time they already know that. You sound like a fab mum, don't give up with what you're doing now. Best of luck.

They always seem to assume parents never read to children. I was advised by HV to 'try and read to ds for 10 mins per day'. She said this to me while sitting in my book-strewn living room and she knew that dd was a good reader at three so I did feel a bit put out that she thought it hadn't occurred to me!

I think you sound a bit depressed.

I have a ds with autism as well and there were times when I was so tired of all the assessments and speech therapy sessions and trying to figure out what to do next that I felt like shrugging. I felt like I'm not strong enough to carry on fighting for the best for the next 2 decades....

I only have two children. You are going to have four soon. I think you are overwhelmed... I bet nobody thinks that you're a bad mum

Btw, my children do watch tv, but I don't beat myself up over it. My son learnt to speak from peppa pig. I used to be advised to read to ds at a stage when he would throw books across the room and try to tear them up.

Reading doesn't have to be just story books either. Does your DC have a particular interest in anything? My DS is crazy about music and was more interested in reading album covers than Dr Seuss, but at least it got him reading. I don't think he's ever read a book off his own back, tbh. And I never knocked TV either, especially the more educational programmes like Sesame Street.

I really feel for you... You do sound particularly low. Is there anyone around to help you at all? It sounds as if you really do have your hands full. x

YANBU. I agree with many other posts that academic education begins far too early in this country. It begins much later in MOST other countries - Britain is the odd one out. The crazy thing is, we seem to be heading further in the wrong direction rather than learning from the rest of the world. I think expecting our dc's to do too much too soon is very counter-productive & just causes anxiety for everyone concerned. I would just chill out & let your dd do the same. She will acquire all the necessary skills in her own good time & you are clearly already doing everything you can.

Your children are very young. They all develop at different rates and at their own pace. The education system is too concened with ticking boxes and takes little account of individuals. You sound like you are doing a great job. The trouble with parenting is that we can't see the results at the end of each day but if you carry on doing as you are you will see the results in years to come.

I feel a bit calmer now. I have been very low latley. My husband is around but he has suffered with depression and is still recovering himself I dont have other family around.
Both of my children are very happy and healthy and so I just need to be thankful for this.

Living with someone else who has depression must also take it out of you. (I don't know how this feels, but I know I must have been really hard work when I had depression). You sound like you are doing a fantastic job under difficult circumstances. Is there anyway you can plan a lovely day out in the near future, either for yourself or for the whole family? I sometimes feel better just by going to the playground for a couple of hours and enjoying the dcs running around laughing! Good luck.

Umm, I have no expertise to bring to you but just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mum. Hang in there.

Agree with LittleSilver.

What you are doing will pay divends in the end and will already have made such a difference, even if you cannot see it yet.

Oh I really sympathise. My DD has a s and l delay or disorder (still not sure which) and I have been patronised so many times. Our s and l therapy group gives us one idea to take away each week and the first one was get to your child's level to play with them. I sometimes feel that everyone assumes I have forgotten to talk to her or something! I do (as do you) all the same things that DD's peers parents are doing with her as well as the homework we get from s and l therapy.

Anyway no advice really other than to agree about doing something fun, had a lovely afternoon with a friend and her DD's yesteday and just watching the children playing and DD joining in even though her language is so far behind made me feel more hopeful.