to think it would be okay to at least meet my Partners kids?

[Ladyanonymous]

Apologies for long post - need to get this off my chest - I have had massive probs with my ex's new partner which have resulted in her making allegations against me at work, me being breathalyzed on the school run, nearly losing my house due to him stopping maintenance, him and her sending the police to my house to arrest me etc etc etc. He and I have recently met some semblance of peace and things in the last two months have calmed down somewhat. My children regually stay there as he moved in after a few months. I have never met her and he introduced my children after three weeks with her, when they were on an access visit to him, before I even knew he was seeing anyone.

I have been with my new partner for six months. We fell in love very quickly and can forsee spending the rest of our days together, we are commited to each other and are supportive of one anothers lives, my kids love him and he is becoming a part of our family.

Problem is...and I can't believe I am writing this..his ex.

He lives 50 miles away from me due to being in the forces. This means we only spend weekends together. His ex and two of his children live a further 170 miles away. Late last year she told him she regretted telling him to leave and wanted him back. He doesn't want to go back and they have had their decree nisi for some months and she has been, what I can only describe as, dragging her heels in sorting out the finalities and is delaying the decree absoloute (this is a side issue as his marital status is not a major issue to either of us as I am also waiting for my decree absoloute and we have no plans to marry in the near future). He pays generous maintenance etc etc (she is on income support and he gives her more than she declares).

I understand how it feels to have another woman on the scene and how threatening it can be in relation to kids etc etc etc I really do ok. I have been through it twice with all three of my kids, and their two fathers.

Since he told his ex about me she has refused to speak to him and is making it really awkward for him to see his kids. She has said he is more than welcome to see them but he has to get a hotel near her for the weekend and bring them back every night to her. I have offered to meet his ex and he has asked her if he can have the kids for a weekend at my house if she would allow me to initially meet them at the park a few times (or whatever - without my kids) in their home town (he can't have them where he lives in the week) to which she point blank refuses (to even meet me, without the kids) and calls me all the names under the sun (I am CRB checked FFS and work with kids, so I am "safe"). Previously he has stayed at her home and seen the kids and she is upset as he has now told her he doesn't feel this is appropriate. However when he had a flat elsewhere, alone, last year she allowed him to have them every other weekend, and she has introduced two or three b/fs to the children who have stayed O/N at the house while they have been there.

This has resulted in her messing him about over Easter and us spending our leave apart (which is very precious time for him to spend with me and his kids as he is going away for a long time next year - like nearly the whole year) so he could see his kids, yet her cancelling last minute and him not seeing them at all and now her messing him about this bank holiday weekend, meaning he will see his kids but yet again we have to spend more time apart (after spending nearly three weeks apart at Easter) as he is not allowed to bring them here and spend a full weekend with them.

I have told him that his priority has to be his kids and he has to tow the line and show her that the relationship with her as lover/partner is over but their relationship as parents who share the same children is not and that she needs time to get used to the idea of me.

It is really frustrating me though as time is so precious and accomadation so awkward I just feel like she is making everything as difficult as possible, when we have done everything "right" and been really respectful and sensitive to her and her feelings. He just wants to see his kids but unless he stays with her its costing him a fortune and he is seeing them so irregually whereas if he was "allowed" them here he could see them at least once or twice a month and she would have some free time.

AIBU?!

She doesn't know anything about my situation, she doesn't know anything about me, she hasn't asked. They have been apart for 2 years, I have been separted for 4.

I think its important his kids can see him before he goes away for the best part of a year, which isn't happening right now as she is making it so difficult although was happy for him to have them before, and obviously him having to go there means us having big absences apart, which suits her. I felt my ex was ridiculously hasty introducing his partner after three weeks but I feel 6 months (and apparently so do most courts) is an "established" relationship. I am not expecting his children to come for holidays yet, I am thinking a decent amount of time has now lasped for her to be open to the idea of allowing him to move on and allowing the children to at least briefly meet me, rather than telling him that they will "never" be in my presence!!

I accept she regrets her decision, but she also said she only filed for divorce to "give him a kick up the arse" which in my book is a pretty risky and manipulative game to play with two kids involved.

My kids are very happy with the situation, maybe on paper it doesn't sound very stable but it is to us, I know quite a lot of people who have been together less time and known they want to be together for good, and he and I do. I was married to one of the fathers of my kids for 12 yrs so its not like I go about having casual sex and dragging my kids through fly by night relationships.

The only reason we are not living together is because we can't, to all intents and puposes this is his home and his base.

Being practical and leaving aside all the emotional issues, 220 miles each way is a heck of a long way to drag young children for a weekend visit! Seems that your husband and his ex need to sort out access arrangements that can work for the kids, and then worry about how you can fit into the equation when things are more settled in place. Not sure whether he is Army, RAF or RN but if he speaks to his welfare people they may be able to help (I've served at bases where we set up 'contact houses' for people to use, maybe there will be something similar.

Really? I wasn't aware of that penguin - and would he be able to do that closer to him? I know he can rent a room on the base for a w/e which is a bit cheaper than a hotel (if they have one free) but he can't have the kids there.

YABU- To be honest.
You say two of his kids- are there more?

Be the grown up here- step back, let him see his kids as much as possible before he goes away, and then when he gets back and you have a proven and not just spoken commitment in the strength of your relationship let him tackle her again.
She may be spiteful and vindictive, but she is still their mum, and right now what is best for them is that they have a solid relationship with their dad before he goes away, and their mum is kept as calm as possible so she can be supportive of their relationship whilst with their dad whilst he is serving overseas.
Not fair, maybe, but it's a tangled mess that isn't going to have a solution that is fair to everyone, at least this way his kids come out the winners.

I agree, its all too complicated. I think you are being a bit naive assuming that everything will fall into place. It most likely wont.

Firstly 6 months is not a long time, I really dont think it is. Especially not with the baggage you both carry.

Secondly, why should she be reasonable about you? She split up with him for wrong reasons, and probably wants to get back with him. You are her enemy, make no mistake! and in her shoes I probably would not want kids to stay with someone my ex had only been seeing for six months. Unreasonable, yes, but thats life

I would not push meeting his kids or her, no way. Its too early. Just take it sloooooow. If its meant to be, accept that with the tangled situation you both have its not going to be like two 18 years olds getting together.

And given your life has only just got on track, why add more drama to it? step back and keep well away from his family....

I would like to say that in no way would I view my life "a mess" and his children would not be introduced into any type of chaotic scenario.

We may have 6 children between us from 4 different relationships (3 kids each two relationships each) but I think that is normal of a relationship after marriage breakup at our age, I am not justifying it or defending anything. Life is complicated and I think more and more families are like mine. My kids are very happy and well adjusted and apart from up until having to deal with the erratic behaviour of their dads new partner it has all been as "stable" as marriage breakup can be, they are loved and they know they are loved by me and their respective fathers.

All the children see their respective parents and in front of all the children the relationships are civil, everyone knows where they are at re access and maintenance and it is not complicated or tangled, any legal battles have been behind the closed doors of the solicitors.

This is not an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

A while ago I posted elsewhere as I was appalled that my ex had introduced his g/f three weeks in and the kids had stayed over and then he lied to me about it and all the other posters were like "whats your problem? The kids were fine etc etc" ... whereas now 6 months is deemed too soon...I know many many people who have become engaged after 6 months. I feel it is a decent amount of time and yes I admit I feel his ex is being very manipulative and using what little power she has left, which lies within his kids which hurts him and is wrong, the reasons she gives for not allowing the children to at least meet me are irrational and hysterical given that she knows nothing about me.

I am not asking for custody here, or to be a step mother. I am asking for her to accept he has moved on and to allow him to be trusted to have some say in his access to his kids, as long as they are safe and not going to be harmed. By being "allowed" to be around me, the children would have a much easier way to see their dad as we have room here to accomodate them all.

Ladyanonymous The trouble with posting in AIBU is that sometimes people say YABU

You don't have to justify yourself or your choices, but you should respect that his kids are in an awkward situation, complicated by an emotionally distraught mother and a father who may shortly be heading off to war. This whole meeting you thing, seems to be about you and what you want, rather than what his kids need right now.

Contact houses or rooms are normally on base, his welfare staff or SSAFA should be able to help him. Depending on his rank he may also be able to have them in his accommodation if he speaks to teh accommodation staff (have seen this happen for Sgts and above but not sure about JRs)

Hes not going to war.

He wants to have his kids here as he feels this is his home and am bending over backwards to try and make it easier for him rather than him having to have them in a hotel room for two days, and when he has slagged her off in frustration I have defended her as I know exactly how she feels.
TBH in a lot of ways it would be a lot easier for me NOT to have an extra two kids here, but I can see how much its hurting him.

However your ex moving on two years after you decide you want a divorce is part of divorce and I feel this is not a mother concerned about her kids having a relationship with their dad it is a woman using her kids as a weapon or an instrument in ditating to him what he should and shouldn't be doing.

None of her argument has been concern for her kids it has been "I don't want some slut ataking my kids away from me" which is nuts and if she was adult enough to consider meeting me she would see that is not the case at all.

I hated my kids being around another woman, esp one so hostile, but they wanted to see their dad and three months after they met that was where he lived so that was what I had to be grown up enough to accept.

Sorry- so he isn't going to war, but you do say he is going away for a long time, almost a year.
If you go into battle over this (no pun intended) you give her every opportunity to use the kids as a weapon. I still say step back and stop comparing her situation to yours.

YANBU. YOu sound a thoughtful person who has made a commitment to a relationship, wants to do the right thing by your partner and his children but are being prevented from moving on by a bitter ex.

To those who asked why should the ex be reasonable - er, because it's not about her, it's about the children?! OP is an important part of their father's life and should not need to be hidden away to keep a manipulative, sad and bitter woman happy. Surely the children should be encouraged to be involved in their father's real life and not just handed over for carefully controlled days at a time.

And the double standards that seem to be coming out are astounding. Like only mothers are capable of deciding what is right for their children? Utter bullsh*t. I do think three weeks is quite soon to be introducing new partners but still think it is for each parent to judge their own situation. We don't always agree with our exes on parenting (I certainly don't!) but you have to respect that they are also an equal parent.

You are being very adult in supporting your partner to do his best by his kids and, for the moment, that may be all that's possible. That doesn't mean it's right though and I would be seriously considering taking this issue to mediation or even court.

F*cking controlling exes who can't put their children first are a disgrace, IMO.

YANBU she sounds like a nightmare, and she is obviously making it very arkward for him to see his kids because she wants him back!

Just curious .... Has his ex said why he needed "a kick up the arse"??

No Goodadvice1980...and I have reserved judgement but he has been perfectly lovely with me always..but I'm a big believer in learning from past mistakes etc etc etc...I sometimes nagged and expected too much of my husband, something which I don't do now in this relationship, as I'm older, more chilled out, and wiser

Thanks, just wondered if there had been a real issue or whether she did it game-playing!

As you said, dangerous path to go down and file for divorce if you don't actually mean it ...

I hope things resolve themselves in time, you really have his kids interests at heart. I wish you both every happiness in the future!

YANBU but I think that you have posted on the wrong thread-AIBU is always asking for trouble and step parenting would get you more advice. I would say that it is early days and patience will pay off in the end.
I once went out with someone who had recently split up with his wife (she was the one to go). His daughter was the one not ready to meet me and he saw her on his own for quite a while. We took the relationship very slowly and in the end we had a very good one and were able to do things on our own,just girly things on our own. It was hard to be patient but worth it. The ex will realise in the end that she is not getting back with him, you are there for the long term and hopefully she will see some advantages of having free time for herself. Good luck-it isn't easy.

May I ask why he is only seeing two of his children?

And, how far they would have to travel each weekend to see their dad at your house?

He does see his other child ... that child isn't involved in this situation...and lives 300 odd miles away (in a different direction).

He would pick them up and they ould have about 120 mile trip here on the Friday and then again on the Sunday, it takes about two hours, its not horrendous, and its a lot closer than when he had his flat.

I think you sound VERY reasonable. I hope you can work this out