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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not contact DD's dad for him to see her?

15 replies

GreatBallsOfFluff · 26/04/2010 13:53

Ok, yes I'm pissed off and is probably more of a rant.

DD's 5th birthday yesterday - her 'dad' lives in the same town as us, about 1 mile away. Nothing except a text from him saying "happy birthday love from daddy". To really set the scene, he has not seen her in a month (and then it was a month before that, and then a month between visits before that etc). I bumped into him about 2 weeks ago where he said it was apparently my responsibility to contact him to see her . I replied that how was I supposed to know when he is working or not, to which he replied "you know I don't work Fridays or Saturdays". I offered him to have her every Friday or every other Friday night to which he replied "only when it's convenient" and finished by saying "call me" and walked off.

Now I don't know if it's just me or not, but I don't see why it should be me to contact him about whether he's free to see her or not. It's a bloody battle to get him to see her anyway. DD doesn't ask to see him either - in fact when she was 3, she said she didn't want to go and see him as it was boring (he only had her for 4 hours at a time back then). She tends to want to go a bit more nowadays as he has residence of his other daughter (amazingly he's the better of two evils) and they entertain each other (his other DD is 9) whilst he watches tv in his room.

So, AIBU to wait for him to contact me to see his DD?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2010 13:54

no,its his responsibility.....

he's dodging his duty,making it seem your fault.

Original poster

GreatBallsOfFluff · 26/04/2010 14:14

Thanks TBB - that's what I thought as nothing is ever his fault if you know what I mean.

OP posts:

BAFE · 26/04/2010 14:29

It's his responsibility BUT, if he doesn't take responsibility and you want your dd to have a good relationship with her dad then I'm afraid your just gonna have to grit your teeth and do it.

I know it's frustrating, but, what else can you do?

SugarMousePink · 26/04/2010 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prinpo · 26/04/2010 19:52

Even if the contact isn't great, it will mean that she grows up knowing her dad and having a realistic image of him, rather than imagining him to be a knight in shining armour. The only time I would stop contact would be if he poses a risk to her or if his relationship with her is seriously detrimental to her in some other way. It's incredibly unfair, he's behaving like a dick and YANBU to be mightily pissed off at him. That said, if you can rise above it for the sake of your daughter then you'll be doing all you can to promote contact. With time, as she gets older, it may become easier or, as SugarMousePink says, she'll be able to vote with her feet. What you don't want to end up with is a 15 year old who doesn't know her dad at all.

He won't appreciate what you're doing, she's too young to appreciate it so you'll get no thanks to make up for the hassle and injustice. It's still the right thing to do, though. Sorry.

sleepingsowell · 26/04/2010 20:31

Agree with Prinpo that it's important she sees him (the reality of him) And seeing her dad IS important in terms of her sense of identity etc. So yes I agree that it is worth you driving this even though it is totally crap of him to be so lazy about his own daughter.

What an absolute tosser - "only when it's convenient"

However, it is worth it for your DD's sake - at least until she can choose for herself. Let her be the one to choose, and you will know she can never resent you for anything in the future (not saying there is anything to resent but often to kids it can seem as if there is, if they only see one side of the story)

saslou · 26/04/2010 20:55

I would maintain contact primarily so your DD can get to know her half-sister. She may get a lot of value from that relationship in future years, even if she doesn't end up with a great relationship with her dad.

CarGirl · 26/04/2010 20:58

I would just tell him that your dd wants to see him every week and then let him contact you to cancel it when it's not convenient IYSWIM.

I wouldn't tell your dd that she is going to see him every week though - does that make sense.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 26/04/2010 23:04

My sister had a similar issue with her ex-H seeing their DD. He took her to court to get access (stemming from wanting to take her abroad but not seeing her for months on end and not contacting her in any shape or form) and was unsuccessful. That was almost 2 years ago and he has not sent her cards/presents for birthdays etc.,

Long before court, my sister was trying to do the right thing for her DD (arranging 'convenient' times for him - we all lost count of the times he didn't turn up) but getting nothing back so, you know what? She stopped and hasn't looked back. So, YANBU!

Some men really are rubbish aren't they?

Original poster

GreatBallsOfFluff · 27/04/2010 06:37

Thank you everyone for your replies.

sleepingsowell I know what you mean about the resentment as I didn't have a relationship with my own father between the ages of 6 and 15 - when I finally met him, I realised that was the best thing ever and still don't contact him but there was still that feeling of resentment up til then.

I know you're all right and I think that I should bite the bullet, just always seems like I'm forcing him to have her. But I know that when she's older she'll make her own mind up - his son who's 16 lives literally round the corner from him and NEVER sees him.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreatBallsOfFluff · 28/04/2010 19:39

I tried . . . I really really REALLY tried, but I just couldn't be the bigger person . It started with DD bringing a card home to herself from her dad so I broke and made a really sarcastic text:

Me: for some unknown reason DD wants to see you but it seems that if I left it up to you then she never would so when are you free to see her - best to make sure it's convenient for you!

Him: I could have her sat during day. Not sure bout fri as (his DD) going out phone me tmo pm ok. (his DD is 9)

Me: What about sat night as can't do friday either. Don't see why it should make a difference whether (his DD) is there just means you'll have to spend time with DD instead of letting (his DD) entertain her.

Him: On sat night i've got 2 stay at c's as she is away til sunday (c is a woman he has a mutual babysitting agreement with)

I am sceptical about Saturday purely as he has no qualms about taking kids into the pub and spending all afternoon drinking (one of the reasons I left him). He can't see her Saturday morning as she has a dance class. We could technically do Friday night, but she has a party after school which goes on until 6, then I would have to pick her up for her dance class at 9 on Saturday so I wouldn't have said there'd be much quality time spent together.

Sorry he just gets me so angry that I have to rant somewhere GGGGGRRRRRRR

OP posts:

Prinpo · 29/04/2010 07:02

GBOF, you already are being the bigger person as you're still doing what you can to promote contact. It must have been heartbreaking to see DD making a card for herself; no wonder you felt like letting rip (I think you were quite restrained).

You're doing the right thing by your daughter and he is very lucky that she is being brought up by someone who's able to put her needs first. I just want to reiterate that your DD is too young to appreciate what you're trying to do for her and he sounds too selfish to even think about it so it's a thankless task but you are doing the right thing, at great cost to yourself. Having to try to work out arrangements with someone who doesn't meet you half-way is no easy task. A good friend of mine spent a couple of years actively getting her ex to see their DD; she did all the coaxing, running around and organising. Now the little girl is 6 and she sees her dad every week. It's not enough, he's still a good for nothing, but at least she has a relationship with him, he's there for birthdays which means a lot to her, and she can make her own mind up about him as she gets older.

It's not much consolation, I know, but as he will never thank you and DD is too young, I'll thank you on behalf of her future self. Thanks, you're utterly fab for doing something so selfless and difficult.

Original poster

GreatBallsOfFluff · 29/04/2010 09:07

Thank you so much Prinpo your message really has made me feel a lot better.

OP posts:

itsmeitsmeolord · 29/04/2010 09:51

I would text him back;

"Evenings don't seem to be convenient for you, DD shall be available every Sunday from 10 - 4pm for you to pick up and have quality time with her. Please text me to confirm you shall be picking her up this Sunday at 10am. In the event you are not available on any given Sunday I expect a text from you by 10am on Saturday to allow us to make other plans."

Then follow that up by writing to him and keeping a copy of the letter. The letter should state the same as the text.

Dear twat ex,

I feel it will be far better for our dd xx to have regular contact with you to allow your relationship to develop, at present we have no routine set up and contact is sporadic. Dd shall be available every Sunday from 10am to 4pm for you to collect and spend quality time with her. If you wish to spend any extra time with her in addition to Sundays I will be more than happy to discuss that with you as and when appropriate.
In order to allow us to make plans in the event of you not being available on occasion, I would ask that you either text or call me by 10am the day before contact to allow us to make other arrangements.

kind regards you shithead

GBOF.

Original poster

GreatBallsOfFluff · 29/04/2010 10:26

Love it IMIMOL

OP posts:

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