When DH is useless for much of Sunday after a night out on Saturday

[lindy100]

So, DH went to the football yesterday, celebrating his team's winning of their leauge too - he doesn't go out as much as he used to before DD was born, and obviously wanted to celebrate. All fine.

He drank way too much, was home at 2am, not 10pm (I hadn't made him promise or anything!), tried to get up with us but had to go back to bed - I went out till noon and told him to be ready to spend the rest of the day with us.

He was, but not really, as he was so tired - he had agreed to do lunch and tea for DD (for the first time ever) and, having asked how to make stuff, forgot and did it wrong, fed DD late so she was too tired for tea and didn't eat it and rubbed it all in her eyes, didn't play with her at all, just watched TV as he was too tired to interact.

I really didn't enjoy pounding the streets of our town for two hours early on Sunday morning, just so he could sleep his hangover off. (But it was better than staying in.) And when I go out, I make sure I get home in a reasonable state so I can do my share the next day.

His nan had died the day before, and he was with his sis, who got quite drunk as she was upset, so he didn't want to leave her. But he didn't need to get that drunk himself - and when she had met up with her boyfriend, his duty of care was done.

AIBU to expect that if he goes out, then he should be able to behave responsibly enough so that I, having looked after her by myself all day Sat, might be able to have some time off on Sun?

I'd give him a bit of leeway! His Nan died the night before and he was drinking away with his very upset sister?? Poor guy is probably just as upset as he is hungover.

'drinking away his sorrows' meant to say

I actually think you are not being unreasonable to be irratated but you are being unreasonable in general here. We have all at some stage drunk more than we should have and spent the next day in bed. If it was a regular thing then he would be an arse but if its a one off, especially in light of his nan dying, he should be given a pass.

If he's hung over youre better just leaving him alone, who wants a smelly bear with a sore head clumsily and unwillingly trying to fulfil duties?? urghh leave him to it.

My dp does this maybe once or twice a year, I love him and his pain is my pain. Ill cook him a fry up give him some squash and paracetamol and give his sore head a kiss.. then whisper something about it being my turn next!!!

Sounds like its not the norm and the circumstances very unusual with losing his Nan too. I'd cut him a bit of slack this time but next time make it clear that you want him fit for purpose by lunchtime Sunday.

Give the poor man a break, if he did this 7 days a week then moan, but his gran just died and he went to football and for a drink, not the worst thing in the world

I think you should give the guy a break - his nan had died, and his team had won the league.

You sound a bit martyrish, TBH. Did you need to "pound the streets" or could you have popped in to see a friend, and actually enjoyed yourself with a nice coffee somewhere?

I bet you told him that he'd made your DD's wrong, too. Not sure how a meal can be "wrong" - perhaps just not the way you'd have done it?

If he's generally a decent partner and father, cut him some slack this time.

Thanks for your replies - I know I am being somewhat unreasonable, but can't help feeling like it!

Forgot also to say that I am still bf so can't leave DD for too long - and I hate expressing. She's still eating four times a day.

Also forgot to say that this is not a one-off. Yes, DH doesn't go out much these days, but then, neither do I. Last time, I got up on the Sunday to go swimming and when I got back all was fine...except DH hadn't changed DD's nappy and she went seven hours without a change - DH spent ages trying to remember whether he had done it or not (This when she was much younger and no harm done, of course - just me having to constantly check what he's done.)

Getting tea wrong = asking me how to make cheese sauce (I showed him last week), then not bothering to put milk in after butter and flour and ending up with some unbelievably lumpy goo.

I feel terrible being so moody after his nan has died. I'm going to stop.

Now I need to know how to deal with this stuff with good grace. And how to get my turn!

given his gran just died id excuse erratic behaviour and be less of a nag

Sorry, I do think you ABalittleU. If this was a weekly occurence, fair enough. But you yourself said he only does it once/twice a year which is nothing really. In addition, his Nan died, which is upsetting enough in itself, and his sister was upset. I don't agree that his duty of care was done when her boyfriend arrive, maybe he wanted to make sure she was ok? I think this time, you should cut him some slack.

AP - what you said has struck a chord - I always say my mum is a martyr - and I'm worried I'm going to turn into one too

Thanks for your replies, everyone - I don't think I need to read any more

I haven't spent a day in bed recovering from being hung over since I've had a child to get up for. I don't think YABU actually. If I go out for an evening and DH holds the fort, then it is a strong understanding that I'm the one who is going to give him a bit of time 'off' the next day. It is very selfish not to and to sleep it off instead, imo. Specially when your child is very young and harder work which it sounds like yours is.

Even if it's once or twice a year that is once or twice that he's being utterly selfish and taking you for granted and behaving rather boorishly - I don't think that's ok just because it doesn't happen often - it shouldn't happen at all, and feeling that way does not make you a 'martyr' in my book!

lindy100, left to my own devices I would follow in my mum's footsteps and be a martyr too. I have to make a huge effort to overcome my natural impulses. It's really hard, isn't it?

But well done for deciding to put this behind you. Start again tomorrow.

YANBU

before I has DC I never understood why my friends that were parents (female) did not get too hammered. They said at the time it was cos hangover + childcare is no joke. Now I do understand.....

If this is one off and as his GM died well fine. If this is an ongoing thing, not fine. It all depends if you get nights and day off too?

YABU, sorry. If my husband is too tired or rubbish the next day (often after working late), I just let him mind the children from his bedside like I do when I am ill. Or take them off him and take them out so he can sleep (which he does for me). Or just all have a nap together (this is my favourite, although it often ends up with us sleeping and the children watching a video on the bed). I don't agree that you have to be 'on form' to parent correctly all the time. It's Sunday, you know, the day of rest!

As for him failing to make the cheese sauce in the correct way, let him choose the meal and make it his way on that day. Too much micro-management will end up with him saying 'I can't do it, do it yourself' and then you haven't gone anywhere.

It's hard to relax when others don't parent like you, or do the household duties like you (and it's taken me years to back off) but I think you have to stop the righteous indignation and chill out a bit if you can.

I understand where you're coming from - I am pregnant at the moment, and while I don't get very resentful of not being able to enjoy a drink or two, I find that I do get resentful of DH not being on top form the next day.

But - it's once in an absolutely blue moon, so I have to force myself to have my little sulk while he's still in bed, and then get myself some perspective about it all.

I do agree with the others, that it doesn't sound like it's that much of a common occurrence, plus his Nan, etc, etc.

You say that he'd completed his duty of care to his sister, but make no reference to the fact that he is probably just as upset as she is, so deserves a duty of care himself. It's not just about him looking after her, but about him probably feeling a bit delicate and upset himself.

I think you realise that you've been a bit unfair, so I won't say anymore. Just try to put it behind you.

I think YABU. If I go out on a Saturday evening and even if I dont drink much, but have a really late night, I am rubbish the next day. I hate it and to have my DH having a pop at me on the Sunday would be too much to take.

Give your OH a break. It isnt the end of the world. Try to laugh about the lumpy sauce, it isnt worth getting angry about.

YABU. Unless he supports Man U (which obviously he doesn't) then winning the league is something which doesn't happen very often - you would expect it only once every 10 years or so, if you are lucky. It is an amazing thing to experience if you are a passionate supporter of your club.

I don't go out very often but when I do I get over-excited and drink far too much and get back later than I should and DH ends up doing most of the next day with our 3 dc.

My DH has a big leaving do on Friday, I know he won't be in any fit state to help me so I've made plans for Saturday daytime.

Don't be a martyr. Next time make plans, see a friend, do something nice with your DD. You said it's not very often. I really think you have to allow a bit of freedom in relationship as it builds resentment.

If he can't make cheese sauce, let him cook what he can (or order a take-away )

'YABU. Unless he supports Man U (which obviously he doesn't) then winning the league is something which doesn't happen very often - you would expect it only once every 10 years or so, if you are lucky. It is an amazing thing to experience if you are a passionate supporter of your club.'

What a load of shit.

OP YAB a bit U but not for ^^ reason.

I think it all depends on whether you can agree on what you both think is acceptable.

We have an agreement that I get to lie in Saturdays, he gets to lie in Sundays, and we can swap if we know we are going to be out the opposite nights. We've both agreed that we can sleep in for as long as we like, and be as useless as we like on our agreed day. Having previously agreed these terms means that even if i find myself getting irritated on his days, an argument doesnt happen because I agreed to it! However, we also accept that this doesnt mean the other person has to go out with dd for the day. if she is noisy downstairs then thats hard luck!

The difficult thing is deciding who gets the lie in when we've BOTH been out together! usually by flipping a coin! :-)

Of course its a lot harder if you're still breastfeeding. In that case i would mentally log how many times it happens and make sure you get your share in once you've finished bf! :-)