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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL rant

46 replies

Tuesday13 · 25/04/2010 14:27

Sorry this might get a bit long. I'm so angry.

Last Sunday my BIL came to our house and my 14 Month old backed away from him. I said this was funny as DS has never backed away from anyone before and ever falls asleep on complete strangers. On Tuesday we went out and my MIL looked after DS. On Wedneday my DS wake up at night 3 times as if from a nightmere, rapid breathing and screaming on waking. Then on Thursday PIL came to take DS out and DS refused to go to my MIL and kepted hugging me.

I told my DH that i think something happened when my MIL looked after him and he was scared of her. My DH called my MIL and asked if anything had upset DS when they had looked after DS and explained DS behaviour. They said nothing happened. I know they lie all the time about everything, so i dont believe them at all. My BIL and PIL live in the same house. They are the only other people who look after DS and his behaviour is so out of character for him.

My DH tells me he does not believe them but he still took food off his mum and then today they came round and cut our grass and MIL was being over the top nice to DS.

AIBU to not want these people anywhere near me and my son? I want to just leave and take DS with me where these people can't hurt him. I think MIL might have smacked him for throwing things as he has just started to do that.

AIBU to not want to talk to DH as he is being so nice to people who might have hurt his son?

How do i handle this situation?

OP posts:

moomaa · 25/04/2010 15:46

I agree with previous posters who say to make sure you or DH are there during visits and watch what's going on. If you are uneasy then maybe something is not right. You have no proof that something happened.

However, sad as it is, if we all stopped grandparents seeing their grandchildren because they are racist or smacked their own children or went against the parent's rules then many children wouldn't benefit from seeing grandparents. Fortunately my PILs have never seemed racist but my own mather has on occassion and she gets a sharp 'that's not right and I don't want DS to hear it' and it has stopped (in front of us anyway). Both sets of grandparents have fed kids food I am not happy with but we still love and value them!

mmrsceptic · 25/04/2010 15:51

oh Tuesday what a lot of horrid comments

gut instincts can be right you know

trust your judgement

saslou · 25/04/2010 16:14

I wouldn't leave my baby with these people. Going by what you've said, they sound horrible. If your baby is reluctant to go to them, then there might be a reason. On the other hand it could be that he is going through a phase where he just wants to be with you. The point is, he is only 14 months old and can't say for himself, so you have to be cautious and stay with him around your PIL

MrsC2010 · 25/04/2010 16:33

BTW, smacking doesn't always traumatise children. I was smacked as a child by my amazing, loving parents, and grandparents etc when required and I certainly bear no ill effects! I'm not saying that she is a 'nice' lady or whatever, but there seems to be a gathering hysteria nowadays that smacking is tantamount to someone abusing a child, which is a little OTT IMO.

diddl · 25/04/2010 16:41

They don´t have to have him without you-so don´t let it happen!

BettySwollux · 25/04/2010 16:50

MIL once was telling me of a screaming child in the supermarket, who in her opinion needed "a good rattling"
I told her I dont believe in smacking children as I think it is no better than bullying and an abuse of power.

She now firmly knows my stance on smacking, and I very much doubt she would try it with DS.

Could you try something along those lines so she knows just how you feel?

Original poster

Tuesday13 · 25/04/2010 18:19

My PIL have a dog and i give them a dog gate and asked then to keep the dog away from my son. We left DS with them in the livingroom dog behing the gate when we went to view a house and came back early to find the dog in the livingroom window and my small baby rolling around on the floor.

2 weeks later my MIL came with us to A&E as son had fallen off sofa and there was a little girl with bite marks to her face from their 11 year old staffy. I could see that she was shaken by this and said thats why i did not want her dog by my baby. I could see her thinking about it and then she said "no Frido would not do anything like that".

Today she told me that my son went up to Frido and huged him it was so sweet to see.

Nothing i do or say will stop this woman. My DH will do nothing about the situation as he said she just will not listen to him.

Moving was the only way to get away but it is not happening as fast as i would like.

I want my DH to tell her she can't look after DS but he wants her to. Thats why i'm angry

OP posts:

diddl · 25/04/2010 18:28

So it´s really between you and your husband?

Sorry, but if there is no need for her to look after your child-do not let her.

Coldhands · 25/04/2010 18:32

If you were that worried, you would say something yourself and not let your DS go there. Sounds like you are looking for an excuse if you ask me because you don't like her.

You have no evidence of your DS being smacked so you are completely jumping to conclusions. My nan smacked her children but should wouldn't smack my DS just because she did it with hers.

The dog thing would bother me a lot and this would make me say if she wouldn't keep the dog away then that is the end of DS going over there.

Your DH isn't going to say anything so make your mind up. You either trust them to look after your DS, or you don't and you stop them looking after him.

sayithowitis · 25/04/2010 18:56

Since your DH won't tell them, you have to. HOWEVER, be sure you are prepared to deal with any fallout.

FWIW, when DC! was about the same age as yours, suddenly, when certain family members visited, or we went to them, he acted in the same way you describe. Would not let go of DH/me etc. BUT, at no point had he ever been left alone with any of those people. In fact, at that age, he had only been left with my mum, at 8 weeks old, while DH and I had a short break. But my mum was not one of those he was upset by. We never did get to the bottom of it and after a few months, he settled down. The one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that none of the people concerned had ever done anything unpleasant to him at all.

So, again, be very sure of your facts here, because if you decide to stop contact, you will be opening a very big can of worms. As they say, be careful what you wish for because you might just get it.

piscesmoon · 25/04/2010 19:12

'AIBU to not want to talk to DH as he is being so nice to people who might have hurt his son?'

These people are his parents!! Do you really want your future DIL to sever your contact with your grandchildren? Does DH think his parents would have hurt him? Has he ever told you about child abuse in his childhood? I really think that you ought to get to the bottom of it before you sever your DCs contact with such close relatives.

piscesmoon · 25/04/2010 19:13

Sorry-it might not make sense-what I meant was treat others as you would like to be treated. What goes around comes around.

AdelaideJo · 25/04/2010 19:18

The dog issue is absolutely appalling and is enough in itself to make sure your contact and relationship with your PIL and your DS's relationship with them is supervised.

You don't need to make a big deal out of this. You can make this decision quietly in your head, and then act on it casually. When your DH suggests a night out and PIL babysitting, just say "no, not just now" and say it over and over again. He will get the message. If anyone wants to ask why DS there alone anymore, just act totally ignorant of that fact!

Please please don't allow your son to become another news statistic from a dog attack; its just happening too much nowadays.

piscesmoon · 25/04/2010 19:46

I think that you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your DH.

ilovecats · 25/04/2010 20:06

I would trust my instincts, to be honest. You know your DS best and can tell if he is acting out of character.

After some incidences, such as DD (same age as your DS btw) having been given chinese takeaway, taken off her clothes and putting on some old ones SIL had, and saying things like: 'You poor thing- we don't want you to grow up like your mum' , I make sure that I am there when we visit PIL.
At least until I can trust them again.

Do what you think is best for DS- he is the one that matters.

giveitago · 25/04/2010 20:16

The dog thing is not on. My df has a dog and I've done my best to get ds to come to terms with it but no way would dog be left alone in room with ds. No bloody way.

This kind of undermining is frankly dangerous.

I wouldn't let me ds alone with your pils based on this rather than ds's apparent fear (which could be something or nothing - just observe and see what you think it is).

SpringyThingy · 25/04/2010 20:21

YOu have to follow your gut instinct, but you cannot dictate to DH how he behaves with his parents.
My DD began to behave like this, at 14 months, with my PIL. DH and I taked about the possibility of them smacking her. The next time we were their stepFIL gloated admitted that he had smacked DHs niece (they had her 3-4 times a week) "from here to there for her devilish behaviour".
I think the wee when immediately said, "If you ever lay a finger on either one of my children it will be the last time you see them". MIL looked to DH to shoot me down, but he just nodded at them.
We all get on alright now and I have left DCs very occasionally with them. I'll leave them together overnight (I;m talking once or twice a year) as DS is 10 and able to accurately report everything, but I will only leave DD (3) for a max of an hour. I just think nothing to much can go wrong in an hour.
Darling niece continues to get smacked but SIL says nothng as she doesn't want to lose the free childcare

TrippleBerryFairy · 25/04/2010 20:41

Tuesday13, I don't think you are hysterical at all and I think some posters reacted quite strangely to your post. I would ignore them. There IS a reason why your usually content, happy to be with anyone baby suddenly is having nightmares, avoiding those people and doesn't want to be left with them. You are a mother and you know that something is not right.

I just read your comment about your MIL's staffy, you asking to keep him away and despite all that MIL telling you how nice it was to see your son hugging Frido. I am speechless. Please, DO NOT leave him there potentially rolling around with and hugging the dog. I don't care what animal lovers say, I heard staffys are nice and 'not like that at all' but all that is BOLLOCKS. A dog is an animal therefore unpredictable. I would not trust any dog roaming around my son, don't care what dog lovers say.

To sum it all up, IMO your MIL is not listening to you and ignores your wishes, moreover, she is careless and tbh quite ignorant in my eyes (re the dog and 'Frido would never do that' bs**t). Just because your baby doesn't talk that doesn't mean you should ignore the obvious signs. Something is not right. For me the dog roaming around the baby when asked to be kept away would be enough. Because I could not live with the guilt is something actually happened. Could you?

He doesn't have to stay there so don't leave him there alone.

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/04/2010 21:09

Go with your instincts.

The dog thing is a massive issue imo.

oldmum42 · 25/04/2010 21:10

Clearly you are unhappy with the behaviour of your mil/pil and yanbu imo.

my brothers baby was bitten in the face by sil dog after various warnings from family, and required plastic surgery (will have the scars for life). This dog "would never bite anyone" either. Dogs should NEVER be left with young children, for this reason alone, you should not leave kids alone with these people.

Your other reasons are valid too IMO, trust your gut instinct, you may be wrong, but listen to it and act on it anyway, better that than discover something really serious has been going on and you didn't listen to that inner voice.

Maybe you shouldn't turn it into a battle with your partner though. Don't let these issues damage your relationship. But stick sweetly to your decision that visits should be supervised - you'll be a lot happier.

ChippingIn · 25/04/2010 23:41

Something isn't right is it? I can see that it will cause ructions with DH, but I'd sooner that, than have DS hurt (by PIL or the dog). I would stop all unsupervised (by you!) visits, I wouldn't trust your DH to stay with/watch carefully your DS because he doesn't think it's necessary.

They really don't sound like nice people

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