to not want to leave DS 2yrs to cry

[ItsAllTurnedToShit]

There are other issues with DH (see Mental health and Relationships)but I'd like a bit of clarification on this one please. DS has started to wake earlier and earlier. Today at 5 am I said 'no go back to sleep' and left him. He cried for a second or two then quietened (very tired himself). He occasioanlly shouted 'Mummy' until DH went in and told him off (quite horribly). Then he began sobbing so I went in (after about 10 seconds) and picked him up. DH went mad at me so I put DS back and he cried and cried. DH went and really told him off (lost his temper) and he was left sobbing. DH thinks I am "too soft" and "have somthign wrong with me" to find this deeply upsetting and feel sick and tearful myself when DS was crying (after being told off). DH has his own issues so don't judge him (openly!) but just tell me AIBU to feel so upset about my DS crying alone. Makes me cry typing it. Am I too soft or a normal, loving mum? I know we were crap and inconsistent this morning btw!

Oh bloody hell - this is a difficult situation - parents not backing each other up makes for difficult parenting.

No idea of your issues but this is my opinion

1. leaving to cry out etc - that's a matter of preference. I never did and I think that if not done before 2 years old it somewhat late to try?

1. waking up early - well it's summer - (4 years old) waking up earlier as the mornings are lighter. Are you doing blackout blind things. Also if still having naps, is this contributing to the early waking.

Oh and I don't think you are soft - I wouldn't appreciate anyone shouting at my kid for waking up early.

Thanks, always nice to be YANBU! Don't want to leave him to cry at 2 years. Have suggested to DH we discuss it in daylight hours and come up with a plan together. rational woman. He says 'its simple, just leave him to cry, no plan needed'. stupid irrational man

ALTTS - well, if you want different perspectives, my DH would have been on the sofa if he'd shouted 'nastily' at my 2yo DS for waking up early.

I'm really sorry to hear he's got issues, but it seems wrong that your DS should have them taken out on him. He is the really helpless one in this situation.

I'm not saying you handled it wrongly (because how would I know), but if I were you I would try to keep it very clear in my head that protecting your DS from DH's unreasonable behaviour is more important than keeping your DH sweet, because your DS cannot do it himself.

Sorry you're in ths situation, btw.

booboo, I absolutely know you are right. That is partly why I was in such a state I think, liked I'd sold out by leaving him to cry because of intimidation and bullying. hate myself and DH for it at the moment. DS was fine by the way, when I got him up in the end

We moms are hormonally primed to find very painful the sound of our young children crying. It's not being 'soft', it's hard-wired into our brains by maternal hormones. But OP's husband doesn't understand because it literally isn't painful for him to hear his child cry.

He may be lacking in empathy in other respects, too, from sound of OP.

I couldn't do it, either, OP (regularly leave a 2yo to cry, I mean, not unless there was a compelling extra factor like me needing to go to work in the morning). I guess you'll have to work out a compromise strategy with your DH.

YANBU

Ok so I don't know the background re the MH issues, but it is counter productive to shout at a already upset two year old. They just don't understand why you're shouting/ angry at them. The anger will just scare and upset the child further, and generlly just make things worse.

I would be upset too, but rather than worrying about what happened, perhaps it would be more constructive to decide how to deal with things now. Decide what to do next time your DS wakes up early and won't resettle. Perhaps reassurance that you will be there if he calls you will be enough to settle him, that and explaining that it is still bedtime and so he should still sleep. Explain that when it is time to wake up, you will pick him up for the day. I guess keeping him settled in his bed would be the key to him understanding that you won't pick him up to play/ cuddle etc when it is time to sleep. I wouldn't let a two year old cry to this extent (it instinctively felt wrong for you, or you wouldn't have posted here) this could cause trust/ security issues later on if it continues. A good strategy now, will hopefully prevent it escalating to sobbing and that level of upset again.

As for your DH, I guess he needs to understand how his behaviour made things worse, although he might be tired etc, he needs to be the adult here and understand that at his age your DS just doesn't rationalise things the way adults do. I accept that there may be other MH issues at play here, that still doesn't excuse his behaviour.

I'm sure other mumnetters will have lots more good advice and support for you, I hope you get this sorted and that your DS is smiling now.

IATTS - I really feel for you. I've experienced bullying in relationships too, and your OP rang a bell with me.

DH and I had a period like this. In the end I kind of walked out. (Made sure I was out when he was in and we took turns having DS for a few days).

Whenever he tried to bully me talk me into coming back I refused to engage with him unless he was civil and prepared to listen to my POV. I was calm and distant.

After a few days of this he started to take me seriously, and we went to couples counselling.

That really changed everything for us, and I'm now pregnant with number two. DH is now supportive, respectful and generally wonderful. (He was always alright underneath - just had some 'issues' as you put it).

It's been two and half years since this awful time, and it feels as though I'm married to someone else.

Hope things work out for you

I'm not sure what your DH's problems are but he is the one who is at fault here not you. Losing your temper at a 2 year old for simply being awake is not on. He doesn't know any better. However your DH is an adult and should know better then to lose his temper. Of course your little one shouldn't be left to cry. on your son's behalf.

YANBU

I agree that you need to protect DS from DH because DS can't do it himself.

I know you are posting on the MH threads and that your DH has issues (very sorry for all of you), but he needs to learn, very quickly, that shouting nastily & getting very angry are unacceptable. I don't know exactly what issues he has or how you are dealing with it all, but unless he can get this sorted quickly (the anger/shouting not the whole 'illness' obviously) then you may have to look at living separately while he does as this is not fair on your DS

I think your original actions this morning were spot on and would have just ignored the quiet mummy, mummy, mummy.... I'm all for being quite firm about things - but your DH is overstepping the mark - by a long way - and your reaction to that is very normal and your DS needs you to protect him right now x

YANBU

I agree with catsupinate that women generally find their child's cry (the real ones not the whiney I can't get what I want ones) rather heart string pulling. Ironically, I find other people's children crying (unless a baby) irritating and I often think that men feel that way regardless.

sorry you feel that way op. Leaving to cry often works for some people not for others. It's a choice, but you should be happy with that choice.

YANBU

Of course your son cried - your husband lost his temper and frightened him. Your son needs protecting.

I always get upset if ds cries - it is normal.

Does your dh never wake up and can't get back to sleep?

Your son comes first because he can't help himself.

Sorry you are in this situation xx

YANBU at all.

Honestly if he's never been left to cry it's quite late in the day to start and it's clearly not something you're happy to do.

I haven't read your other threads but my dh has issues and I am convinced he's depressed. He also suffers from a lack of empathy which is increasing with his depression and he can be very nasty and just 'turn' (I mean verbally).

I have to say that although I'm nice to him I have cut him off emotionally as I need to ensure that our child is OK and that takes up most of my time and energy.

Again, I've not read your other posts so forgive me if I'm off track, but you may need to try and distance yourself emotionally so that you do not feel that you are being comprised in your parenting where you feel his parenting is unacceptable.

I regularly battle with my dh on brining up our child. I do it mainly alone (ie he was supposed to work today so I got him up but then he slept on and off until 1pm and I had no idea if he'd prearranged this with work, whether I should call them etc).DS craves dh's attention and doesn't get enough of it and when he does it's more about making daddy feel good about himself rather than receiving great fun with his adored daddy. But I do find that dh will try to undermine me but leave me with all the responsibility. I battle it.

If this resonates with you at all you might want to take a harder line with your dh (although I understand this must be very hard).