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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a who has a right if anyone to be a bit miffed?

26 replies

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:34

Namechanged so you wont know which parent and dc I have. Situation is as follows.

THere is a dd (6) and a ds (7).

DD is owned by parent 1 and ds by Parent 2.
Parent 1 and 2 are siblings so both dc are cousins.

Ds is playing around dd's house. During the course of the morning ds asks dd's parent for a carrier bag so he can take his 2 toys he has brought round home with him. Parent 1 gives the bag.

When the play date is over both children are called downstairs. DS comes down clutching the carrier bag to his chest.

Both parents are immediately suspicious as there is some history of ds taking things from dd's room.

Parent 2 asks what ds has in his bag - is it the two toys. DS says yes.
Parent 1 doesnt buy it and asks to see inside the bag. DS a bit reluctant but agrees.

Inside the bag parent 1 finds 2 pairs of dd's pants and dd's older brothers mobile phone. Older brother is out for the day.

DS gets upset straightaway and says dd gave them to him. DD says she did but only because ds told her his size was 5-6 and these are 5-6. DS says no I didnt, I am size 7-8 (which he is).

Parent 1 then asks about the phone. DD says she didnt give it to him and ds says she did.

It is explained by both parent to ds that he cannot take the items and why.

Does either parent have a right to be miffed snd think either behaviour is odd or is it nothing and both parents should think nothing of it??

Yes, I know it's not important in the scheme of things and thanks for reading.

OP posts:

posieparker · 25/04/2010 08:38

I would think dd has given stuff to ds. I would want to get to the bottom of it as either parent and uncloak the lies.

Pheebe · 25/04/2010 08:39

No, they're kids, they don't have the same perception of 'ownership' or value as adults. These are concepts that need to be taught and learnt OVER TIME. See it as a learning experience.

Pheebe · 25/04/2010 08:40

for the kids

ShadeofViolet · 25/04/2010 08:42

'Owned'

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:44

shadeofviolet - thankyou for that. I used the word "owned" to help ensure my posting style was unrecognisable so used words I would never use.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:46

And to obscure any telling signs of which parent I am.

OP posts:

CagedBird · 25/04/2010 08:46

I don't think either parent has the right to be miffed in this context just because it appears maybe one or both are lying and it will be hard to get to the bottom of. I think if I was dds mum I might feel ds was possibly stealing but I would not voice my concerns incase I was wrong.

I think it would be a better idea and much much easier to say to dd "you cannot give dc anything without asking me" and say to ds "you cannot take anything home without asking dd's parent first".

A bit at "DD is owned" lol but I'm just being a lil pedant

ELCSadvice · 25/04/2010 08:47

Well someone is lying.

How are we supposed to decide which one?

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:49

No, you cant tell which child is lying!

Parent 1 is concerned that ds was hiding these things from both adults and surely if they were given, he would have no need to hide them and lie he had them.
Also Parent 1 is concerned as why would any child want to take anothers pants.

OP posts:

pooka · 25/04/2010 08:51

I think it would depend upon the relationship between the parents as to whether there'd be 'miffedness'.

I don't think this is that big a deal. He tried to take the phone (agree that ownership concept tricky for children to grasp at first). He was found out. Phone returned (and knickers!). Parents raise eyebrows at each other and say "phew - lucky we checked. What is he LIKE?"

No recriminations or lingering bad feeling. Apart from a reminder to both parents to check next time.

BelleDameSansMerci · 25/04/2010 08:51

Unfortunately, if the DS has a history of taking things it does seem as if he may be in more urgent need of some explanation regarding when he can/can't take things from someone's house. If he does this outside of the family it might cause a lot more upset...

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:53

I dont think parent 1 agrees that at 7 1/2, ownership thing is confusing and the dd was elsewhere when the items were being hidden so had no part in the hiding of things.
Parent 2 is probably more relaxed about it all and would certainly go with the whole ownership confusign thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 08:54

It doesnt happen outside of family.

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NoahAndTheWhale · 25/04/2010 08:57

I wouldn't be particularly worried and the fact it was some pants wouldn't concern me.

Am of course interested in finding out which parent you are .

CagedBird · 25/04/2010 08:57

If it doesn't happen outside of family I would probably let it slide then. Cousins often take advantage of each other, if they are close it's like an extension of the brother sister relationship. You wouldn't be all that miffed if both children were yours (not suggesting that you are the mother of ds or dd - oh this is getting confusing )

potoftea · 25/04/2010 08:57

I wouldn't be miffed if I was either parent.

Probably a bit embarassed if I was parent of ds, and would be really careful to check him leaving other houses in future.

But they are very young and it's not a big deal who said what to whom. It's just something to watch out for in future.

Hassled · 25/04/2010 08:58

I wouldn't see it is a huge deal and I can't see any way you can find out who's telling the truth - unless one of the DCs has a track record of lying and there is a history of the DS nicking things. No reason for either parent to be miffed - DCs push the boundaries at this sort of age; doesn't mean it's malicious or will condemn them to a life of crime.

The DS knows that leaving teh house with other people's stuff is wrong - just leave it now.

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 09:00

This thread is very helpful and helps put things into context.

I am parent 1 of the dd and from reading the replies I can see that I am being unreasonable and uptight. I have said nothing and done nothing about the incident and wouldnt but just wanted to know if my feelings of being a bit miffed are justified in anyway which clearly they are not!

OP posts:

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 09:01

The ds does have a track record of lying and takign things hence the suspicion in the first place. However clearly dd had her part to play in this too.

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 25/04/2010 09:17

nc007, I knew you were the DD's mum

CagedBird · 25/04/2010 09:21

I knew it too! lol

Eglu · 25/04/2010 09:22

Totally obvious that you are parent 1. I think that the DS needs to be dealt with if he is doing this kind of thing regularly.

Eglu · 25/04/2010 09:23

Oops posted too soon. Is the Ds jealous? Does the DD family have more material possesions.

Original poster

namechanger007 · 25/04/2010 10:38

You guessed even with my clever use of the word "owned"

DD has very few toys and the ds has masses and masses so it's not about that.

Just found out from dd that the ds went into the bathroom and locked the door to try on the pants.

Makes more sense then as it's pretty common is it not for boys to go through such stages.

To make it more complicated parent 2 wasnt there. I just guessed her reaction. SHe knows nothing about it.

I was trying to decide whether to tell her or not hence my posting. If there is nothing to it and I wasnt justified to be miffed there is no reason to tell her unless in general chat about what they did.
Still not sure whether to tell her or not as it could be mortifying for her if he did it elsewhere however if I abu then I'll sound it when I tell her.

OP posts:

sorebore · 25/04/2010 12:08

I'd just make sure they both understood about ownership, giving away other people's things etc. I'd leave it up to the ds's parents to explain to him, maybe tell them in a super-light hearted way as it actually sounds sort of amusing

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