To think that drinking 5 or more cans of lager a night is indicative of a drink problem?

[fluandhayfeverdonotmix]

Namechanger here. I have flu at the moment. My ex came to see dc last night, helped put them to bed as I was feeling so rough then stayed to watch a tv programme with me, I was feeling really ill but grateful that he had come to help so agreed. He had bought beer, which he started drinking and around 10.00 pm when I said I wanted to go to bed as feeling so ill got abusive and told me I had used him to look after kids while I was ill and was throwing him out when it suited me.

It just brought back too many memories of the 5 cans or more that he would drink each and every night when we were together. He still claims that he does NOT have a drink problem and it is just me overreacting AGAIN.

So first of all am I being unreasonable to ask him to leave at 10 after he had helped with dc and also to think he has a severe drink problem?

He seems so sure of himself that I really do not know.

It isn't really the amount that is the issue. I don't think 5 cans is terrible. However, anyone who needs just one can EVERYNIGHT has a drink problem. I also think it is a problem that he got cross when you asked him to leave at 10 which is perfectly reasonable, especially as he knew you were not well.

IME some people drink like this every night to get themselves in a good mood, but the slightest thing sets them off once the alchohol kicks in.
As LM says, it's not the amount, it's the frequency that's key here.
I remember walking on eggshells as a child if my Dad had had a drink (also a daily occurence), and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

"IME some people drink like this every night to get themselves in a good mood, but the slightest thing sets them off once the alchohol kicks in."

Yes it is like a coin flipping when he drinks, he sits there being all eloquent and chatty and charming for the first couple of can, which I actually find really creepy as I know it is substance induced but the minute I say something "wrong" he becomes the nastiest, most insulting bastard you could ever meet. We argue because I refuse to walk on eggshells, I won't live like that, so we ended up splitting up over it. Trouble is he does not see it as a problem, just me being a miserable bitch and cannot accept that our relationship is over. He hates be for still being in the house with the dc. After all I am the one with the problem when he is only having a few beers and he shouldnt have had to move out. It is endless really.

He's your ex. You are not BU to ask him to leave your house.

If he's drinking that much every day then I'd say he's got a drink problem. It doesn't matter that he doesn't believe you; his opinion of his drinking is his business.

More to the point it sounds like he's a pain in the arse when he's been drinking. I would do whatever it takes to minimise your exposure to him when there's a chance he's had a few.

10pm is completely reasonable whether you are sick or not as thats a normal bedtime. Was he hoping to stay over or something? Maybe he was and thats why he got angry. Sorry you had to deal with this, you sound reasonable and he sounds like a bully with an ulterior motive. How can you "use someone" to look after their own kids??

He wasn't hoping to stay over, no chance whatsoever of that and he knows it, he was peed off because I had interrupted his 5 can routine, he was on his third can and all settled in.

"How can you "use someone" to look after their own kids??". Thank you for that REL I will say that very thing to him next time it comes up.

Snorbs I do try to minimise my exposure to him when he has been drinking, I try to tell him that I can't have him drinking at my home and he becomes really abusive, ie "YOU are the one with the problem, because you are a miserable cow who does not drink herself" and "it is still my f*cking home and I will do what I want here blah, blah, blah", he is not like this all the time btw just has little flashes of resentment and hate every couple of weeks.

My dh, we're seperated, he used to have 6 ciders every night or a bottle or two of wine.
He was the same, nice and chatty and then could just turn and become really offensive.

He always said he didn't have a problem, said that he drank coz of me really, maintained he would stop when we parted etc.

He rings up sometimes, always drunk. Seems to spend a lot of time in the pub. He thinks that coz he has a really good, responsible job and it doesn't affect this, that he hasn't a problem.

Not unreasonable to ask him to so you could go to bed at 10 esp as you were unwell and yes there is a drink problem there.

SK

It's not necessarily the amount he drinks, it's the fact that his behaviour becomes unacceptable when he drinks that amount, that is a problem.
It's not his house and you have every right to tell him to leave (and if he won't, you can call the police to remove him BTW particularly if he is being aggressive).
YANBU at all. It's your home and you have every right not to put up with behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. It might be time to consider getting a legal framework in place WRT his access to DC ie not letting him in your home any more - you don't have to have him over the threshold if you don't want to, you can hand DC over on the doorstep. Thing is, someone who is already a stroppy drunk may well get more so, please do remember that you can (if necessary) refuse to let him see or take DC if he turns up pissed and incapable of looking after them, but it's as well to have legal backup in place.

He sounds like an arsehole. Firstly, why shouldn't he stay and look after his children for a bit if you are unwell? Secondly, if he's visiting his children is it really necessary to bring alcohol with him? Does he not get enough opportunity to drink when he's way from them? Thirdly, 5 cans may not be excessive for a night out, or a party, but at home, every day? Yes, I think it is rather excessive. And if he can't visit his kids without needing to bring alcohol with him then that's not good.