To not visit my very ill Grandfather

[TwoLittlePontipines]

My grandfather is 93 and he is slipping away. He has had several strokes recently and the doctors have now taken him off his medication (he's just getting morphine to ease any pain). He does not recognise anyone at this stage, and the family are keeping a bedside vigil (ie there is someone there with him 24 hours a day, my dad, aunts and uncles are doing shifts).
I am very upset. I know he will be gone soon, and I will of course travel to his funeral.
AIBU to not pack up now and go? my reasons for not going are as follows:

1. It means a trip abroad with two infants (I've done it a couple of times since DD arrived, but its not easy - only 1 airline will let you fly alone with two infants) For the funeral I would probably go alone, leaving DCs with DP, but I would only be gone a copuple of days (don't think he could manage much longer hence I'm can't go now and wait over there IYKWIM) Besides, I'm sure the family have enough to deal with at the moment without someone having to accommodate me plus DCs (arranging cots, babyproofing etc)
2. He doesn't recognise anyone, so would not know I was there.
3. I remember seeing my other grandfather just before he passed away. It was about 15 years ago but the image of him lying so frail in the hospital will never leave me. I would much rather remember the last time I saw my dear grandfather which was a fantastic family gathering just after Christmas.
4. Finances. I know it's a pretty lame reason for not going, but the reality is that I don't have the money to make two trips. It's a case of planes, trains and automobiles, and I don't have a car.

Sorry, I know it's long winded.
I guess the real question is am I just being too chicken-hearted not to want to see him when he's withering away?

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. i didn't see my grandfather before he died, also very weakened and very debilitated. While i was at the time sad not to say goodbye, the rest of my family assured me that i was better for it as I could remember him as he had been.

My grandpa died a few years ago and on reflection i am glad I didn't see him fading away.

Hope this helps.

Sorry to hear about your grandfather.

My grandmother had alzheimers before she died. I made a decision not to go and see her. I wanted to remember her in her prime, as a wonderful, vibrant, loving woman, not the shell she had become.

I spoke to my mother about it, and she said that if I went, it needed to be because it was for me, not because I thought my grandmother would remember.

I think you need to do what is right for you.

Are you being put under pressure by other family members?

thank you ladies, that helps a lot.

no Littlefish, no pressure from the family, they all know that it would be hard for me to make the journey. Ironically, its DP who feels I should go see him (DP who does not get on with my family!)

My Grandfather is a fantastic man, exactly the type of gentleman I would want my DS to grow up to become. He's from that generation where men were indeed gentlemen, I don't think I've even met another person with as much dignity and integrity.
He never ever said a bad word about anyone. He and my grandmother (also 93, but sadly she too is fading) still hold hands and look so lovingly at each other. That's what I want to remember.

I am so sorry about your grandfather.
Yanbu.
He will not know you are there. You spent some quality time with him just after Christmas. That seems like the best memory to have imprinted in your mind, as the last time you were together.
Your concerns about the 2 small children and people putting you all up are reasonable.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
I think going when the time comes, just yourself, would give you the space to properly mourn with your family.

YANBU
Send him a letter with photos for your family to read.Maybe on some level he will understand its from you.

YANBU.

My family are in the US (I'm in UK) and I didn't go to see my grandmother just before she died for many of the same reasons you've given (minus the kids b/c I'm only now waiting on dc1).

I felt like I should be at the funeral to support my own mother, who would understand and feel the love and support rather than be there just to see my grandmother (much as I loved her) before she died. She wouldn't have known me at that point as she had dementia.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your grandfather. It sounds like you were lucky to have him in your life for quite a long time.

No your not being chicken hearted, IMO anyway,
I lost my nan last june she was 99 and a half,
on her 99th birthday she was frail but quite with it,
but 6mths later a totaly diffrent person, she went down hill rapidly,
Although I was trying to be supportive to my own mum (my Nans daughter)I do wish (mostly) that for me, last time I had seen her, was on her 99th.
This may sound awful, but so are my memories of her at the end

So sorry to hear this about your Grandfather

I think, in the end it's what you can see yourself living with afterwards. I know that sounds brutal, but I speak as someone who recently lost her dad - he was on morphine at the end and wasn't ever really awake. I live 250 miles away from my parents, so although not abroad, still needed to make arrangements whenever going up (course it was 'open-ended' as it often is, which makes it even more difficult). I was in two minds about what to do, whether to travel up and wait for him to die, or wait for the phone call on the basis I dodn't want to watch him go and have that as my last memory of such a wonderful, vibrant man.

In the end I chose to go. But a very personal decision based on how I would have felt if I hadn't been there. You seem to have good reasons why you wouldn't want to see your grandfather in that way, and that is perfectly valid too. It's tough, but imagine yourself afterwards and ask yourself what you would be most comfortable with, and that's probably your answer.

Stay strong.

Sorry to hear about your Grandfather.

My feeling is that unless you want to go, there is no need to. If he won't know you, and it will make you unhappy then it is better to stay at home, even before taking into account the practical difficulties.

We had a similar situation with DH's gran. She went into a home and deteriorated quite quickly, we would have visited her but she wouldn't have enjoyed the visit, just found it confusing. We don't regret not seeing her as all our memories are of the wonderful person that she used to be.

But it is definitely a very personal decision, so I would go with your gut instinct.

YANBU for not wanting to go. I know he doesn't know you or recognise you anymore but I do think it would be worth you writing to him and saying what you have said here about hoping your DS turns out like him. You could ask a family member to read it out to him or just put it by his bed so he knows at some level you're thinking of him.

FWIW, my vital, demanding, bossy grandmother deteriorated quite suddenly and I spent a day sitting in hospital with her shortly after she'd been admitted with multiple organ failure. She was barely conscious but I am very grateful for the day we had when I talked to her, washed her, told her I loved her etc BUT it was for me, not for her.

YANBU. You are clearly part of a close family and you know he is not alone because the family that means so much to you is taking care of him. The comfort of family means the duties are shared. You are guardian of the next generation. Looking after your children is a great tribute to your grandfather - they are his renewal.

Do what you will best be able to live with and if you are doing your best for the whole family, especially the children, your grandfather would feel nothing but pride.

My mum has Alzheimer's and there were many occasions when I had to choose between her and my children. I tried to do what I think she would have done because I know she did such a wonderful job as my mum.

Thank you all for your kind words. It has really helped over the last couple of days. I have decided to wait, and just travel alone, going for a few days for the funeral.
In the mean time I am doing practical things like cooking and stocking the freezer so DP doesn't have to worry about that stuff while I'm away. I will feel much better going knowing that that sort of stuff will be ok while I'm away and hopefully DP wonnt get too stressed.
You're right sallyJayGorce, I need to look after the children as well as thinking of my grandfather, and me wanting to say goodbye.

I've got my practical head back on again now, and am comfortable with my decision.

I was very upset when I originally posted and I think that was making me feel guilty for not going over sooner.

Thank you again ladies.