wanting to be friendly with my ex-husband during divorce?

[LuLoopy]

Call me stupid (I suspect some of my dearest friends are...) but the only way I'm holding my self-respect together during divorce is by trying to be civilised and behave well and not turn into the TV stereotype slagging off "the ex" and never venturing further than the car door at the kerb while dropping off the daughter.

It's been incredibly difficult persuading brother and sister, and some friends, not to "take sides". I think some of them are just waiting until the righteous rage kicks in, and then I'll be normal. They all seem to want to join in the hate game more than I do. It's actually quite wearing defending my ex-husband to them all the time! (He's not a horrible man - I wasn't a complete dummy to be married to him for 19 years...)

Am I being completely unrealistic? Is it necessary to hate your ex-husband, to power yourself through the whole process?

It's not divorce per se that has a negative impact upon children- it's the conflict associated with it. You're doing your daughter an immense service by being friendly with your ex - perhaps your family and friends need to be reminded of their responsibilities to do the same. I hate this tendency everyone has to say how crap people's exes were - it's as if they're saying you had really bad judgement and they've been waiting for a chance to tell you. Let them know that you know they want to be supportive but that slagging off your ex isn't good for anyone. If you feel the need to slag him off then the best they can do is listen and let you get it out of your system without adding fuel to the fire.

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was in my teens. They behaved really well throughout and tried to 'do the right thing' by each other. It was the best thing they could have done and to this day I respect them both for how they handled a very difficult situation.

I did what you're doing. It only helped me in my bid (like you) to not be the stereotype ex wife. No one else. Ex couldn't give a fig as in his eyes I was that woman regardless of how I was behaving.
Then... day before divorce was final I found out that he'd been cheating for whole length of marriage. And I truly turned into that stereotype.

If it helps you, and you don't hate him, then fine.
All depends on reasons for divorce I guess.

Well done, you are doing exactly the right thing. There is nothing to be gained be being bitter and childish. And just because you no longer want to be married doesn't mean that you have to become arch enemies. Ignore other people, they are just looking for a bit of second hand drama in their lives.

Even though I wasn't that young at the time, my parents' divorce was amicable and I am eternally grateful to them for that. We children were able to remain close to both parents. YANBU at all.

well done you!

i know couples who are still on quite amicable friends - it's nicer for everyone.

you can fall out of love without falling out completely.

You're doing the right thing obviously, and I do hope it is mututal as if you both behave like this it will be very good for all of you, and especially your kids.

Don't deny yourself the chance to get cross about the loss of your marriage though, just don't direct it toweards hating your ex. Hate is a pointless emotion that only hurts the person feeling it, not the person it is directed towards. Something it sounds like your family haven't grasped!

We are currently going through the first bit of separation and doing our best to keep things amicable.

Currently, our ground rules include at least one afternoon a month of "family time" plus birthdays, Xmas etc being sacrosanct to these children. We have also discussed rules for if (when) he meets someone else - basically, they are not to meet the new person immediately, or at all unless the relationship is serious.

I hope we can stay amicable, I really do. Good luck with yours!

I don't hate mine - he hates me mind. His brother says he's well balanced with a chip on both shoulders. For me it's been 14 years and we've both passed a lot of water since then - have finally found him and am getting a divorce. I have to communicate divorce stuff through his mum, he's dead grown up!

His partner lost a baby which is v v sad and they have a little boy now, I wish him nothing but happiness.

Can'tRememberWhatSheSawInHimTiggaxx

Crikey - I can't believe how well-balanced and supportive you all are, and that I've been muddling through so far without all this good support! Thank you.

I'll tell you what has slightly shaken my judgement in my be-civilised conviction. Firstly, my daughter is an only child, so a counsellor friend has pointed out that by staying supportive to each other my ex-husband and I stayed kind of solid as a couple (even as we were splitting up!) and she didn't have anyone to side with.

Secondly (and this may arise from Firstly) two years later the DD has been having big struggles with anorexia. There's obviously masses more behind it (and I'm doing a generally good job of not blaming myself) but there's no doubt that her people-pleasing, perfectionist tendencies are a part of it. And I can't help but think that she somehow got caught up in the "we're all being terribly civilised" behaviour, when it would actually have been much healthier for her to be ranting and raving.

So, MouseyHair, do we basically think it's only possible to be civilised in divorce if neither party was unfaithful? And does that go for other shitty behaviours as well?

Overmydeadbody you're very right about allowing oneself to be angry about the loss of the marriage. It took me a good six months at least to be able to open the door to that lot, and to allow myself to make even the mildest disparaging remark about his new partner. And it all felt a lot better!

I think you're doing a brilliant thing - good for you.

I've been reading extracts from Bel Mooney's book (Jonathan Dimbleby's ex-wife) There are excerpts at the moment on the Daily Mail on line website (I know, I know, I'd never actually BUY the paper ) But do have a look at them, she is an absolute lesson in grace and dignity, despite having to face being left for a younger woman etc. I think it was important to her that the end of their relationship didn't somehow 'sour' the whole love story that was theirs...so her approach to it made her able to keep that intact somehow and didn't devalue it for her.
I found them really, really inspiring articles and they might be good to read at the moment perhaps, to add a bit of back-up to your resolve!

Thanks Cirrhosis - I'll have a look. I generally find Bel Mooney's pontifications absolutely choke-making (something about the whole public parading of the relationship...) but there's no doubt she sometimes does talk very good sense...

There was some fairly shitty behaviour in my marriage towards the end.

And my ex-H was unfaithful.

Yet, we did keep it civil, and continue to do so.

We talked, and just made sure we were civil to each other. I also made sure that the DCs never heard me slagging him off. Oh I shouted at him but at the bottom of the garden when they were in bed.

And I sent him lots of letters that after writing I burned.

At the end of the day we had three children together and loved each once so neither of us saw the value in screaming at each other.

I can't say I liked him an awful lot back then but I certainly never hated him. Despite the fact it all lead to the end of our 10 year marriage.

Without it though I wouldnt have met the next Mr BBM though so it was all good in the end :-)