in deciding to withdraw my support just now?

[Shodan]

In the last week I have had a major row with my mother and a falling-out with my sister.

So. Firstly, the thing with my mother. I have always been the one to help her out, especially with the hospital visits and operations she has had over the last few years, despite the fact that I am one of six children. It has always been me who does the fetching and carrying, the one on the end of 'emergency' phone calls - the one who sorts it all out.

Then, two years ago, after I had done all of the above, plus visited every other day both in hospital and at home, doing her shopping, cooking etc with a young baby, brought her bed downstairs because she couldn't get upstairs- you know, all the caring stuff- I heard from each of my siblings that she had been telling them that I wasn't doing enough to help her out.

I decided then and there to back off and told my sibs I was doing so, thereby forcing them to take a more active role themselves.

This week, in a phone call, I lost my temper over something she keeps interfering about, something I told her years ago to just drop. I haven't felt such anger ever, it was a complete surprise to me. Anyway, the phone call proceeded with her calling me patronising and how I shouldn't tell her off as she had done more for me than anyone else. (I can explain further, if requiredbut don't want to make this the world's longest OP).

Then, last night, my dad sent me a copy of an e-mail my sister had sent him. Basically she was asking him for money to do a course and said that she didn't want to just stay at home and 'spend my husbands money like Shodan'.

I never realised she felt like this, tbh, especially as I have always helped her out, babysitting her children when she went back to her job, lending and giving money when she needed it. DH and I were the only ones on our side of the family who went to her (second) wedding in Cyprus- a wedding that I discovered had been partly funded by my father.

The thing is, I know how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my DC - I never take it for granted. And it is a far cry from my first marriage when I had to work several jobs to keep us afloat because my XH kept walking out of his jobs. In fact. it's only been a couple of years since I gave up any kind of work- I worked for several years as a cleaner before DH and I got married and carried on for a year after the marriage.

Oof. Well done if you've got this far.

So- AIBU? Or am I being over-sensitive or something? I don't think I am, but being in my current rather overwrought state, perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.

give me your words of wisdom, please!

YANBU at all. You have done far too much for them and they have totally taken you for granted. Family that truly loves you should be proud of your achievements and want you to be happy. Doesn't sound like your sister wants you to be happy at all.

Also souns as if all your siblings find it much easier to blame you and accuse you of not doing enough for your mum than take some responsibility for their own lack of involvement. You seem to have become the family scapegoat for other people's guilt and unhappiness.

Walk away with your happiness intact. Please put yourself first rather than being dragged down by people who haven't got your best interests at heart. You deserve to be treated much better than this.

Thank you, everyone. I really do appreciate your replies. It's made a big difference to my day.

(Actually am feeling slightly snivelly at loveliness of replies. Urgh. Must Toughen Up.)

What rotters. YANBU.

Your sister is jealous and your mother is a leach. Well done for stepping back.

Shodan, wrt your brothers calling, can you come up with a stock reply to avoid getting into a drawn-out argument with them

something like 'I feel that the things I do are not appreciated and until such time as they are I do not want to be involved' - I'm sure there is something better than that

You don't want to spend more time and emotion on this iyswim

I have seen this pattern several times, my own mother does it with my brother... they take their negative feelings out on the person who helps them the most. it is wrong to treat you like this. You don't owe them anything whatever your husband earns. Be strong! PLan lots of things you'd like to do for yourself.

Terrible. I really feel for you. There has to come a point when you say "enough". Your sister was a cow for saying that, it's none of her business.

Agree with all the others, your mum and siblings are totally taking advantage of you and your Dad sounds as if he is sick of it.

In all honesty I would call or email your Dad back (as he sounds like the only one you can properly talk to) and firstly ask him exactly why he sent it to you and then tell him how you are feeling and see what he says.

We can all give advice based on our opinion and experiences but you need someone who knows the whole story to help you sort this out.

I don't really want to talk to Dad about it, although I have sent him an e-mail telling him I replied to my sister's one.

He is elderly and quite frail now- another reason it made me so angry that my sister had the cheek to ask him for money. He lives in a retirement flat which he sold his (small) house to buy, so that he wouldn't be a 'burden' to his children (while Mum still lives in a larger, more expensive house), so deosn't have vast amounts of money spare. He refused my sister's request, saying that he only gives or lends money if he can do it for everyone. (He gave us all £500 at Xmas, from some shares or something).

I have had - and replied to- a few e-mails from my sister now. It seems that the jealousy is quite deep-rooted, and she has also started saying I'm patronising, and that hs eneeds to work to 'earn money, which (she) needs to live on'. Like I was somehow unaware of that fact.

Fortunately no word from Mum, so am spared that conflict at least.

Also agree with the others.

The sad truth is that people aren't necessarily grateful when you help them, in fact often they can come to resent you. And then they only resent you more if you stop. You need to step back. Yes, speak to your dad, and step back from them all. You have your own life to lead.

Why don't you respond to your sister saying something like
Lets agree to disagree on this point, we are adults and can live our lives as we chose.
State that you have no desire to fall out with her but that you wish she would leave you out of any requests that she makes from your Dad as you don't think that your lifestyle choices have any bearing on her need for financial assistance.

FWIW I have this from my Mum all the time, one of my sister is married, both in ok jobs, combined income of around 35k but she is always described as "poor old XXX" as another sister and I have household incomes of more than this. Makes me want to scream!

Your Dad sounds great by the way

So you haven't actually had any of these conversations directly with the people who have supposedly made comments?

It's all a bit bitchy and he said/she said isn't it. With the exception of that email and tbh you don't know the context of that.

Do stuff for people because you want to. Don't expect any gratitude or appreciation and you won't be disappointed.

YANBU to feel down about this, but YABU if you continue to allow yourself to feel crap and not investigating further.

x-posted and seen you've been emailing.

These things always end badly if written. Pick up the phone or talk in person. It's the quickest way to resolution and avoids many painful misunderstandings.

Re: you brothers, screen your calls, simples. Don't pick up when the phone rings, call back the people you want to talk to or let your dh run interference. Mine loved doing that with my Dad and as very effective in saying no.

Your sister has criticised you for spending money earned by your DH, but she has also borrowed/been given some of that money by you when she needed it? Talk about biting the hand that feeds. Like everyone else I think you should stop doing everyone favours - they clearly don't appreciate it. You sound lovely and deserve much better treatment than you have received.