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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would your response be?

20 replies

scrimble · 19/04/2010 19:55

I don't see my Dad often (we live in different countries), so I feel I have to cut him quite a lot of slack. But when I do and we're talking, he sometimes introduces his 'words of wisdom' with "Now I'm going to tell you something, and don't go getting all upset, but..."

This makes me want to go absolutely, totally, ballistic.

And it has the added effect that I don't have any patience for what it is he opines. Just makes me want to take the opposing viewpoint. In short, it winds me up BIGtime.

Would love to have a response that just bats this back so we can proceed to have a normal conversation without me stewing inside.

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
outnumbered2to1 · 19/04/2010 20:06

try well if you keep your "pearl of wisdom" to yourself i won't get all upset......and then change the subject

Minshu · 19/04/2010 20:36

Just do the telephone equivalent of smile and nod while thinking about what you're having for tea tomorrow, then continue the conversation when he's finished.

My Dad lives abroad, too, but he doesn't often offer pearls of wisdom, bless 'im.

chandellina · 19/04/2010 20:40

agree with smile and nod. It probably makes him happy.

overmydeadbody · 19/04/2010 20:42

I'd just smile and nod, or laugh

scottishmummy · 19/04/2010 21:00

he thinks:incisive intelligent commentary
you think:misguided ole gimmer

i suggest you dont share your thoughts with him unless you fancy the hassle and confrontation.thing about deeply held beliefs is they are the hardest to shift.also the dynamics (conscious and unconscious) between parent and child always have frisson

id be minded to say smile sweetly and overlook advice you dont care for

Mumcentreplus · 19/04/2010 21:21

ignore!,ignore!,ignore! and thank the lord he's not living in the same country as you!

solo · 19/04/2010 21:28

Lol! My Mum say's something similar...'now, don't take this the wrong way but...' it makes me cringe too. I just roll my eyes in my mind and ignore it!

parakeet · 19/04/2010 21:36

How about:

"STOP! Dad, if you already know, before you've even uttered a word, that this is going to upset me, then maybe it would be best if you keep this thought to yourself."

Original poster
scrimble · 19/04/2010 21:44

You're all wise. I knew you would be.

I'm usually fairly patient, but my Dad has the most amazing ability to wind me up. I can literally feel the anger welling up when he speaks to me like that. I think it's mostly because it's SO patronising. But it also feels sexist - I can't imagine him saying that to my brother for example.

But you're right. I need to take deep breaths, smile and think pleasant thoughts.

OP posts:
jybay · 19/04/2010 21:57

Don't get annoyed because that will just make him more patronising. Either
(a)grin & bear it
or
(b)start patronising him back, e.g.

"I guess when people get to your age, they get a bit set in their ways"

"I suppose as you don't live in the UK, you don't understand how things work here"

etc etc.

If you are a good person, you'll go for (a). If you're like me, (b) has a lot of appeal.

Stripycat23 · 20/04/2010 10:03

This reminds me of my DH when he says "Oh I didn't tell you did I...?"

Arrrrgggghhhhh

Although I would like to grab a chain saw and hack him to pieces I take a deep breath and either give him a death stare or roll my eyes at him. I have found saying "Did you forget to tell me something AGAIN?" works for a while until he slips back into old habits.

So try saying "Is this another of your pearls of wisdom?" or "why are you trying to upset me Dad?". It may well work and should cover your holiday, although you'll have to start again the next holiday you see him.

Prinpo · 20/04/2010 10:20

Oh Christ, other posters are far more mature, patient and charitable than I am. My blood's boiling on your behalf (think perhaps it's pressing a few of my buttons about how patronising my own dad can be). I don't imagine you'll change him and I can't think of a witty response but how about a big grin and a "Great, I love unsolicited advice." Very passive aggressive, I know!

Downdog · 20/04/2010 12:12

I agree with all the other posters here - but one thing stick out for me. You say "Just makes me want to take the opposing viewpoint" - now is this because of what he is saying or because its HIM that's saying it? Does he annoy you whatever he says? Is there a teenager inside still rebelling against Dad?

I do sympathise - my Dad lives along way away - but he is free with advice etc & long dull stories. And I do have to watch myself from disagreeing just because it's him!

Still it does strike me that we may not want advice/opinions of our parents, but can while away the hours seeking opinions/advice from strangers on MN!

Mouseface · 20/04/2010 12:12

If you're not "seeing" him when he delivers these pearls of wisdom, then I'm inclinded to go with the majority here, just nod in all the right places, smile and drift away to other, more intersting thoughts.............

A sun lounger on a white sandy beach, cocktail in hand, something gorgeous to drool over........

I'll meet you there!!

chitchat07 · 20/04/2010 12:56

If he does it every now and then, just ignore it (while stabbing something inoffending with a fork if need be!!!). If it is frequent, then you need to be a tad more aggressive/responsive.

When my mother gives me her 'pearls of wisdom' on rearing children for the umpteenth time I have been known to add 'oh, like you did with us, hmmm?' - as quite frankly in many respects she was a pretty awful mother and it was only in my 20s that I finally made my peace with her. Course she then likes to respond with 'but I want you to learn from my mistakes' (which I once responded to with a 'I have mother, I vividly remember what it felt like when you did x, y and z and would never do that to my children' - very short conversation that one!!!!!)

dinkystinky · 20/04/2010 12:59

My mum is like this too. Smile, nod and let it wash over you. Resistance is futile and will end up with both of you getting upset...

Iklboo · 20/04/2010 13:00

My mum says things like 'it's probably the generation gap between us but...'

She's only 19 years older than me and a child of the 60s!

GinSlinger · 20/04/2010 18:09

I have to listen to: 'I'm not being funny but..' and then we have some sort of half-baked, bigoted idea about whatever the Daily Mail felt was too extreme for them.

Nod, smile, have another drink...and another drink.

Did I mention another drink?

MadamDeathstare · 20/04/2010 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scrimble · 20/04/2010 18:24

I think you've hit on something Downdog. I think it often is what he's saying but there's probably also still a bit of teenager in me wanting to have a teenage-style fight.

That's my problem. All the more reason to just put up and shut up I think.

OP posts:
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