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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you should not choose money over family?

25 replies

firefliesinjune · 19/04/2010 08:23

My Gran died over a year ago. She had 3 children. When she died her will stated that everything go to my Mums stepsister (my Aunty) this included the proceeds of her house being sold. However my Gran had told my Mum and my Uncle (children from 1st marriage) that my Aunty would give them each £5000 and that this had all been agreed so no need to go through the hassle of changing her will. My Uncle did not like this idea as he didnt believe that the money would ever be forthcoming. My Mum however stuck by her stepsister and didnt ever imagine her not sticking to the deal.

Well that was over a year ago. The house was sold after about 8 months. My Mum had not mentioned the money as she was expecting it to be given once funds were freed up. However recently she has been really struggling financially and so asked her sister for the money. My Aunt suggested if my Mum was in debt she should contact a debt advice agency. Mum told her she wasnt in debt just struggling day to day and the money would be a good float. My Aunt then said all money tied up so difficult to access but she would see what she could do. Two weeks later nothing. My Mum asked again and was basically told if she was struggling financially to go to the CAB. My Aunt had never denied that my Gran did promise this money to her other childen. My brother was very annoyed about all this and has fallen out with our Aunt. Finally my Aunt has said £5000 was never agreed and that she was told to give my Mum and Uncle a few hundred pounds. This obviously isnt forthcoming either. Due to my Aunts attitude my Mum now doesnt want anything to do with her. My Uncle knew all along it wouldnt be sraightforward and has no contact and now Im not wanting to stay in touch with her either. I know that money shouldnt mean more than family and my Mum wouldnt have even asked if she wasnt struggling so much. My Mum feels really bad that she has fallen out over this but I really dont think my Aunt has anyone to blame but herself. AIBU to think this?

OP posts:

traceybath · 19/04/2010 08:26

Well your gran was silly not to change her will and very odd that one sibling would get so much more than the others.

Money does frequently split up families though - thats why wills are such a minefield.

Feel sorry for your mum - could be worth her seeing a solicitor to see about contesting the will but would be hassle that she can probably do without.

overmydeadbody · 19/04/2010 08:27

It happens all the time though. People are greedy and selfish.

gingernutlover · 19/04/2010 08:28

I dont blame your mum and uncle for feeling this way to behonest.

YANBU to think your aunt could have avoided this very easily and yes it is her fault that her family are upset with her. She should have insisted your Gran change her will to be honest.

diddl · 19/04/2010 08:29

Your Gran should have changed her will.

Why didn´t she leave it equally?

McDreamy · 19/04/2010 08:29

What a frustrating situation but I do agree with traceybath - your Gran was a bit shortsighted not putting this in her will

overmydeadbody · 19/04/2010 08:29

yes very foolish of your gran not to change her will.

Why did she leave it all to one child anyway?

Did you mean she is your mum's half sister? You wrote step sister but that would mean either she or your mum are not actually realted to your gran and she isn't a blood relative anyway? (not that it matters, I am just curious as to which it is)

Bucharest · 19/04/2010 08:32

Are you sure there was a verbal agreement? Not that it matters whether or not there was, there's nothing that can be proved.

Seems a daft way of going about it to me.

Tee2072 · 19/04/2010 08:32

This is why a very specific will is necessary. Always. Even if you think you have no money.

Kathyjelly · 19/04/2010 08:36

YANBU.

Looking at it from your aunt's point of view, the will left her the money and she may never have had a conversation with your granny about giving some to your mum or uncle. That could be how she sees it. Maybe she thinks the house was paid for by her father and therefore is hers by right. Who knows.

I'm sure she sees the basic injustice of it and know that she's unlikely to remain on anyone's xmas card list. Is that likely to bother her though?

I'd feel the same.

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 19/04/2010 08:38

Oooh yes sorry half sister not stepsister. (39 weeks pregant my brains all mushy)

I also think my Gran was very very daft not to change her will. My Aunty was a bit like the child who could do no wrong I think. My Grans 2nd husband (my Auntys Dad) was the one who sort of dictated how the will went I think. He died a few years ago and my Gran got ill after and dont think she could be bothered to change it thinking that just a verbal "give your brother and sister the money" was enough. I mean it was still only going to be £5000 each. The sale of the house would have been between £50 - £75k (my Aunty wouldnt say exactly how much...so she still had loads of money for herself!!! Thanks for the replies dont feel so bad for the fall out myself but Mum does.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/04/2010 08:49

I think Kathyjelly also raises a good point that if the money/house came from the aunts father that is why it has all gone to her.

Interesting that Gran was never going to divide equally, just give a token amount.

diddl · 19/04/2010 08:54

I think that would bother me more-not being treated equally by my mum, rather than my half sister not giving anything.

TarheelMama · 19/04/2010 09:02

Maybe the gran had her own reasons for leaving it all to one daughter? My parents are planning to leave everything to me and not my brother. This is with the understanding that it will all be split equally. The reason for leaving it all to me in the will is because he is bad with money and he does stupid things with women (i.e. getting married, leaving them and giving them everything he has because he feels guilty for leaving).

Perhaps your gran had reason to believe that your Aunt would protect her brother and sister?

diddl · 19/04/2010 09:07

But Tarheel-what difference does it make if your brother gets the money from you or your parents will-he still gets it!

cory · 19/04/2010 09:11

Do you know how specific your gran's instructions to your aunt actually were? Did anyone hear her speak to her about this? Just because she said to your mum that she had, doesn't mean she actually ever got round to it.

Because in the case of my MIL her verbal instructions have not been consistent, nor has her will. Not a problem in our case as we are not going to fall out with BIL over money any way; but it could be that your gran has been less clear with your aunt than she thought she had. Or even that she actually did want to leave her the money, but didn't like to say so to your mum.

wannaBe · 19/04/2010 09:13

tbh I would be more angry with your gran than your aunt as her gesture says an awful lot about her feelings for your mum/uncle in comparison to your aunt.

I would, tbh, be surprised if any verbal agreement was ever made and think your gran was selfish to put your aunt in such an impossible situation.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2010 09:15

Unfortunately if its not on paper, its unenforcable. end of. your aunt is not obliged to give them a penny. she has clearly made the decision that £10,000 means more to her than family. what goes around, comes around remember....

wannaBe · 19/04/2010 09:19

does it though? If no agreement was made (remember this is a woman who deliberately excluded two of her children from her will, and even then intended for them only to have a small amount, aledgedly,) then why should the aunt feel obliged to hand over money?

And I don't agree with leaving all money to one party in order to protect another - your children should be equal and treated equally regardless of how good/not good they are with money.

muriel76 · 19/04/2010 09:34

Very tricky situation for you to be in.

You're right that family are more important than money, but on the other hand clearly your aunt does not feel like that!

Just a thought tho - once probate is granted which would not be until after house is sold and all finances are accounted for, it takes 6 months for the money to be released.

Maybe your aunt was/is still waiting for that when this argument started and everyone started falling out, so she ended up thinking 'sod the lot of them, I'm keeping the cash!'

Not that that would make it ok or anything but it may well be she did not have the money then herself and she picked up on the 'vibe' that everyone was ready to fall out with her over the money, and now it has all got messy!!

Just a thought. I am waiting on an inheritance at the moment and have been really surprised by how long it has taken and how complicated it can get.

sunnydelight · 19/04/2010 10:00

I can understand why you are feeling upset, and it's hard to see your mum struggling when you feel she shouldn't need to, but this is the kind of thing that can eat you up.

Your gran should have changed her will but she didn't and it's clear your aunt isn't handing over the money so you all really have to move on. If the whole thing has gone through probate and the assets distributed then I would think that the chance to challenge the will has passed. Disputes over money can destroy families if you let them, I guess you need to work out how important family relationships are to you.

RubyReins · 19/04/2010 10:00

Long shot here but are either your mum or uncle in Scotland? If they are then they can claim what is known as their legal rights - it is technically not possible to disinherit your children in Scotland you see. However, they could only claim a share of the moveable estate i.e. not the house. It doesn't sound like there's much over and above the house so it may be academic. Just a thought though.

These things do take a very long time to sort - in Scotland an executor cannot distribute the sums until at least six months after the date of death. I'm sure the situation is similar south of the border too. All very frustrating.

I'm a Scottish solicitor and this is far more common than you might think. Parents make a will in nineteen oatcake and rely on their children's word to avoid changing it. People are funny about wills too - they feel very superstitious about it, as though they are tempting fate. My dad made a will in 1973 and has told me how he now wants things to go - I've told him to go and see a solicitor, spend £400 and get it formalised. I get on brilliantly with my brothers and we all know how things should go but I don't want the responsibility of dealing with it all (and it would fall on me to sort!).

In the very likely event that you are not in Scotland then I don't really know about contesting the will. It will cost a lot for what is quite a small estate and litigation is not only costly financially but emotionally too. We reap what we sew though - the karma police will come for your aunt one day.

I'm very sorry for you - it sounds like a horrible situation.

diddl · 19/04/2010 10:35

I also wonder if Gran did say anything to Aunty though-or just said it to Mum& Uncle so as not to feel so bad about leaving them nothing?

And why should Aunty hand anything over?

I´d like to think that if it happened to me I would-but now I have children to consider I would perhaps consider them rather than my adult siblings.

Original poster

firefliesinjune · 19/04/2010 11:04

RubyReins No neither in Scotland but thankyou for the info anyway.

My Mum wont be doing anything about contesting the will as she doesnt want any extra stress I guess. My Mum has mentioned many times to my Aunt about the £5000 and my Aunt has never denied my Gran said this...until my brother fell out with her and she then said "Well I was only told to give them a few Hundred each" so my Aunt isnt saying that she wasnt supposed to give anything. Even a few hundred for my Mum at this time would be a big help.

Thanks for all the replies anyway its a real shame but not a suprise to me as my Aunt is quite a selfish person all round. Ive never said anything and dont want to get involved in some big spat but I wont be missing out on a great relationship if I cut contact. Just a shame as my DS who is 2 hasnt got loads of young family and my Aunts DD is only a couple of years older and they live quite close. I feel bad that they wont be seeing much of each other with this issue being as it is. Not that we were really close anyway but still its a shame.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/04/2010 11:09

I doubt your mum could contest the will if your gran was compos mentis at the time & it reflects her wishes.

Oenopod · 19/04/2010 14:10

Probate can take ages - maybe the money is not available yet and the aunt would have to pay out of her own pocket at the moment.

Maybe the mother was carrying out her late husband's wishes if the house had belonged to him and he wanted it to go to his only daughter.

However, like diddl, I would share it between my siblings - whether it had been requested or not. And even if I did have children of my own to consider, I would not take that into account. Imagine how you'd feel if one of your DC royally screwed your other DC for such selfish reasons? And against your verbal request. I'd be pretty horrified at the monster I'd created if they did that.

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