Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted Gift

33 replies

Carpetbasher · 18/04/2010 21:36

We've just completed an extension on our house, complete with gorgeous (expensive!) oak flooring. We never planned to put a floor covering down, in any shape, size or form.

Our lovely neighbours have just given us a HUGE HUGE (10m x 10m at least) rug for the room. IMO it is hideous.

They have very little money (unemployed and in a council house), and english isn't their first language. We are quite friendly with them and offer them help/advice when we can. Once or twice we have given them presents (cuttings for the garden or toys for the children - at new year). We would never dream of giving them anything for their house - they have a completely different culture and I'd never hope to get the right sort of thing.

We want to stay friends with them, and I was anticipating having them round for more frequent playdates. However, I cannot stand the rug.

DH suggests that we say it will be lovely for the winter : but then what happens in the winter? It really is truly awful. He has no further ideas.

I'm sure they spent more than they can afford on it. I doubt it was bought at a shop where it can be returned.

What on earth do I do??

OP posts:
doozle · 18/04/2010 21:43

Oh god what a dilemma.

I think I'd be honest and say "Thanks very very much for your generosity. The thing is we deliberately picked the oak flooring so that we could have it exposed and lovely as the rug is, we don't want to cover up the oak. So so sorry to ask but is there anything we can do about the rug?"

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 18/04/2010 21:43

"Spill" bleach or paint on it? Lots of it.

MrsC2010 · 18/04/2010 21:46

Tell them you love it so much you've put it in an upstairs room? They'll never go up there...

hf128219 · 18/04/2010 21:47

10m??? 36 foot?? Are you sure?!

thisisyesterday · 18/04/2010 21:49

i think you have missed your opportunity. you should have said at the time "oh, that's so kind, but we don't want a rug because of x/y/z"

hmmm i can't think of a nice way to tell them now that you don 't want it... are you sure it's brand new and not just one they don't want any more?

Gashtray · 18/04/2010 21:49

It sounds a bit big, but you could get it out when they come round and roll it up again afterwards. It will double up as a protective covering for your lovely, new oak flooring so you won't wince each time the children spill/draw/drop something on it.

Two birds, one stone?

Gashtray · 18/04/2010 21:51

Or don't put it down at all and say, 'We've rolled it up so the kids don't ruin it.'

sunshiney · 18/04/2010 21:53

Oh dear. Well I always think a person thick skinned enough to believe such a gift would be well recieved, should be able to accept you aren't going to use it.

Sounds like wild horses couldn't make you put the fugly rug down so no point stressing.

Original poster
Carpetbasher · 18/04/2010 22:02

Sorry, should got it out and checked it before posting (only just dared open it - the wrong measurements were on the covering). It's actually 3 rugs: 3m x 1m, 4m x 3m and 2m x 3m. So not as unwieldy as I thought - but still nylon and horrible.

To be honest, when they gave it to me I was paralysed with horror and could only exclaim my thanks in a high pitch. Their english really isn't good, so any long winded subtle explanation would have been lost on them.

There is no way on earth I would have it on the oak floor - even to avoid children spilling stuff on it.

Maybe before they come round (tho they usually "pop by unannounced") I could use the long one as a "runner" on our very shabby existing hall carpet - and ignore the other two. Even that is a long shot.
In fact, maybe they were so appalled by our threadbare existing hall carpet and lack of carpet in our new room that they felt sorry for us?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Carpetbasher · 18/04/2010 22:04

Sunshiney - I think that maybe some people quite like this type of carpet - it depends on cultures, backgrounds and money available to spend on things for the house.

OP posts:
Firawla · 18/04/2010 22:51

what culture are they?
some cultures as long as you accept it that is fine, it would be rude to tell them you don't want the rug and give it back etc but as long as you accept it you can then do what you want it doesn't have to go in that room or anything, some people are okay that even if you sell it or give to someone else but you must accept it in the first place, then its yours to do as you wish. but if you can say what culture they are then someone might know the norms of that culture?
but my best advice is dont put it out but dont say anything. dont start telling them why you cant put it out in that room, why rug is not suitable bla bla etc.. that would be rude to me? so just stay quiet on the topic is your best bet, unless they bring it up? (they might not)

leavingonajetplane · 18/04/2010 23:00

Firwala has a point.

I would look up info on gift-giving etiquette in your friends culture (seriously)

Found that sort of info invaluable for smooth relationships when living abroad.

Its amazing how the ways we interpret little things can be interpreted completely differently in other cultures.

Then you read a book written overseas about our culture and thats just great fun to look at our POV from someone elses

Comisserations on the carpet dilemma though.

Original poster
Carpetbasher · 18/04/2010 23:38

Excellent advice on looking up the etiquette on their culture will do so.
After some thought (and MN suggestions) we had decided to just accept the gift and not mention it, or (hopefully) manage to put one of the rugs out when they came to visit, and just not mention it if it's not there next time!

I can see that the english culture is probably extraordinary to some other people - (and to my english DH at times!). But knowing what the customs are might help me out / assuage my guilt!

OP posts:
JaneS · 19/04/2010 11:01

I wonder if they don't see exposed flooring as lovely and chic (as we do), but have misread your situation and assume you're in a tight financial state and can't afford a carpet?

I know it sounds odd, but I know DP sometimes tells me that some things we consider chic and nice (like exposed wood floors, in fact) would be considered a sign of poverty in the more traditional parts of Russia, where he grew up.

Can you research that as well as their gift-giving culture? It's possible they just found you a rug because they thought you must really, really need one!

nobodyisasomebody · 19/04/2010 12:26

Could your mother visit and like the rugs so much that you lend them to her? Explain that your mother is in need of some floor covering and is having a rough time presently and you felt you couldn't deny her. And that you liked them so much that you didn't want to risk them getting ruined by the kids. You will be asking for them back when they are older....

ninedragons · 19/04/2010 14:01

If they're terribly generous people (and it sounds like they are), they might turn up with some for your mother too.

Very awkward. I'd lay the runner in the hall, proudly show it to them when they visit, and roll up the others in the loft. Say they're in the bedroom - guests aren't going to have occasion to go in there.

moondog · 19/04/2010 14:04

Accept it and then put it away. Nothing to say you have to use it.I regularly pass on things to friends and acquaintances-what they then do to them is their business.
In fact,I gave a large rug to a good friend recently-I certainly wont be snooping around her house checking it os odwn.

omaoma · 19/04/2010 14:26

Tricky situation! I feel your pain. I regularly get given really grotesque homeware items from well-meaning relatives that I just stick in a cupboard and assume when I'm 50 I might not mind as much. But we're usually talking ornaments, nothing that big!

Agree that researching their culture is only way forward if you are going to have them as neighbours for a while... what if you said they had been accidentally ruined and they bought you more, for example!!! the ideal would be to insist no more large gifts (ie more than a box of chocs/flowers), ever, because it's just not what you're comfortable with, but if they are from eg, a middle eastern or Asian (or Roma?) culture that might be quite offensive to them. My best friend as a child was second-gen British Taiwanese and goodness, you couldn't even give her family a card without it having to be reciprocated immediately because it was a major impolite thing to them. I think her mum must have kept a drawer full of gifts just for the purpose of being able to whip something out immediately if she was ever given anything unexpected!

dilemma456 · 19/04/2010 14:43

Message withdrawn

Downdog · 19/04/2010 14:53

akward situation, but it's your house & your floor & your life - why get involved in some bizarre twisted 'keeping up with the Jones's' scenario in order not to offend people who are offending you (however sweetly they may be doing it). As for 'putting it away' sounds like it would need it's own storage room.

I think you should simply return the gift, with a "thanks every so much, but we chose the wood floor deliberatly" etc.

Whilst there may be cultural differences, if they think it's appropriate to give such a gift, then they can learn it's not appropriate in this culture - works both ways.

They were trying to be sweet, but I'm afraid you need to be honest, or live life for the neighbours forever. Additionally they have behaved in a potentially culturally inappropriate manner by giving you such a gift.

Dreadful situation - feel for you.

Firawla · 19/04/2010 15:02

if you were going to do that just give it to charity or anyone you know who may want it?! giving back is the rudest thing in many cultures im sure, its like an insult to give back a gift! even if you put it on ebay is not as bad as giving it back!

Original poster
Carpetbasher · 19/04/2010 15:05

So the breif research I have done on the Somalian culture doesn't really help, other than that they are a very generous people. I will look into it some more.

What is upsetting me most is that they really don't have the money to spare. I've really been careful of this in the past and given them things that don't cost money (or focussed on helping them out in practical situations) - so that they (and I!) wouldn't be in an awkward situation.

I really can't give the rugs back, I feel that would be worse than just storing them somewhere - but they are indeed very bulky, and they may have to be stored in the loft, with one kept to hand in the hope that I can put it down when they come round. (they may think I'm flakey that it's sometimes down / sometimes isn't).

I think you may be right Little Red Dragon - they probably think we have no money left to cover the flooorboards. But then the "english way" (certainly in London) would be to say "well if they spent that much money on an extension and can't by a rug, that's up to them"!

I'm hopeless at lying - so that would be no good - I would feel horribly guilty - more so than if I just didn't have them on display.

But it really is an awkward situation. No way do I want to have the rugs down, but in no way do I want to upset these friendly, kind, and cash-strapped family.

OP posts:
JaneS · 19/04/2010 15:19

Gosh. It really is awkward for you, isn't it?

Would it be possible to pretend you thought they meant it as a loan? That way you could put it down for a bit, tell them you're getting the wood floor polished and soon it will be finished, and then give it back in a few weeks saying you were really grateful for the loan and now the floor is finished and polished?

Prinpo · 19/04/2010 16:24

Ok, here's what we know: you don't want to upset them and you don't want to have the rugs on display. Ideally, you'd be truthful and you'd all laugh it off but that doesn't sound possible so you're going to have to lie. Not ideal but there it is and it's for the best reasons. So, what lie to tell? I like the idea of saying that you've put them in the loft as you're worried about the kids spoiling them. Say that you chose the wooden floors deliberately as they're good with young children (true) and that when the kids are older you'll think about putting rugs down and how lovely that you have those ready and waiting in the loft. That way, you put the problem off indefinitely, hopefully don't offend them but also don't spoil the appearance of your new and lovely extension. If you can, you say how grateful you are for their generosity but that you all must agree to keep presents small in the future. What you value is their friendship, having such lovely neighbours and the chance for the kids to get together, yada yada. Hopefully, they'll be fooled (people find it hard to believe that others don't share their taste) but if they realise then at least they'll get the message. If you wanted to go the whole hog, then you could say that you're only going to use them for 'best' (great old-fashioned concept). Find an opportunity to invite them round without the kids, have the rugs down as it's a 'grown-up' occasion and then put them back in the loft afterwards. A bit of hassle, maybe, but worth it.

beanlet · 19/04/2010 19:56

Whatever you do, you mustn't give the carpets back -- it's offensive enough in British culture (I would be hurt if someone gave back a present I'd given them!)

You say your hall carpet is threadbare -- would there be any harm in laying the runner down over it for a few months, long enough that they see it? Would save you the expense of having to replace your hall carpet immediately, thus serving a practical purpose as well as a diplomatic one. If anyone else comes round you can apologise for its ugliness if you really feel you need to.

Then say you've put the others in the bedrooms.