AIBU or is he (domestic godess issues)

[Feellikescreamingalot]

Have name changed, am regular, moldies, penguingate etc.

I have been with my DP for about 5 ish years and we have been living together for about 3.5 of them. He has always been a slob in terms on cleanliness around the home and I never thought I could change that but AIBU to expect a little bit of consideration?

He can make as much mess as he likes in his study, I don't care, I also don't mind picking his stuff up off the floor, doing all the shopping, most of the cleaning, sorting through the bills, doing the garden etc etc.

His jobs are to do the laundry (so as to minimise my needing to chase around his clothing and also to minimise me getting annoyed at him messing up the clothing piles) and also to put out the rubbish.

I have told him and told him point blank that when he shows no consideration for me (does not fold laundry up, leaves it in a pile, doesn't put out rubbish, doesn't wash recycling tins so they go mouldy and smelly so its me that has to clean them and put them out) I really resent living with him. I have told him that when he acts this way it makes me feel unappreciated and makes me not want to be living with someone like this - he doesn not seem to care that his behaviour is upsetting to me.

We just had a row because the bin stinks - this is because YET AGAIN there are dirty recycling tins in it. AIBU to have got upset and asked him why he has no consideration for me?

He says, "it's just tins, what the big deal?"

So AIBU. I am showing him this thread btw as clearly he thinks I'm crazy. I don't nag him btw. I ask explicitly to do x & y. Wash tins, put out rubbish wash and fold laundry.

Just ignore what he says and get a cleaner.

If you are both working full time and have no kids then why ever not.

By wash the tins I mean remove any juice that is on them. So the tins we normally use are tomatoes, beans or tuna. I mean swill them off so there is no juice left. I don't mean scrub them in hot water and fairy! It takes less than 1 minute I'm sure - I can manage to do it!

We have a bin that has 3 sections - one for main rubbish, one for tins, one for cardboard. So the tins go into their section then get emptied into the box outside. If the tins are swilled they can stay in the inside bin for 3 weeks. If they aren't it's about days tops before they start smelling in this weather.

*MmeLindt& it sounds like you have made some concessions to your DH, which is nice and how relationships should be IMO give and take. I want my DP to swill out a can of beans to stop me being sick and wash the laundry. I don't feel it's a lot to ask.

Hmm, I have indeed proved her point, without realising it

I suppose I have been fooling myself that I have suddenly gotten better at the old housekeeping business when in fact I have been doing it for looooove.

Still maintain that it is not a sign of disrespect to not SEE the mess, but it is pretty damn poor when he knows that it makes you physically ill and he still does not rinse the tins.

I must admit to not really understanding the tins thing. You don't put them in the bin? They get rinsed and put in a recycling box? Don't they get rinsed when you use them?

The cleaner will not come in daily to rinse tins out.

Thank you for the tin explanation. So he does not rinse when he uses a tin, just puts it in the box for recycling?

Who does the washing up in your house? We recycle our tins, but I just wash them with the rest of the washing up. If you or your dp (whoever normally washes up ) did that, they wouldn't stay around getting smelly.

I do understand where you are coming from though, as I also have a dh who just doesn't see mess or see why it's a problem. When I met him he lived on his own, and his house was one of those that looked as if the burglars had been.

As he works and I am a SAHM, I don't mind doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening etc, but I just wish sometimes he would put stuff away after he has used it!

I believe it goes unrinsed into a bin, MMeL, that then has to be emptied (presumably when full) into the recycling box. It really doesn't take long for unrinsed cans to start to pong either, especially fishy ones.

My parents had a cast-iron rule about rinsing cans before throwing them because of the indoor bin thing - DH had never heard of it but he does it now because I told him how disgustingly unhygienic it was not to.

Another choice - stop buying cans of food and when he complains explain why. And make him do the cooking as well.

thumwitch we must be very similar. I bought a small washing up bowl in order to place unwashed tins into and then transferred the bowl to his study. In the end, 2 weeks later I could smell them in the bedroom (I am a bit deaf so have a keen sense of smell) so I put them in the proper bin. I also made him do the cooking but it made it worse as he had 100% access to the tins.

I also removed the section of the bin they go in - he put the dirty (ok 30% or so are swilled out) ones along the worktop by the fridge!

rookiemater I think I may just do this. We have separate and joint accounts so it could be "my" cleaner and "my" money if he wants to make a fuss.

mmelindt I agree that general mess is not my DP being disrespectful; it' just his slobby way and I can deal with that. But I do feel, knowing how much the tins upsets me (I nearly cried earlier FFS about a tin of baked beans; DP has seen me cry once - I am not a crier!) it is just point blank rude. Yes he just puts the tin straight into the reclying box with the juice residue around the tin - which is what makes the smell.

SoMuchToBits who does the washing up? We have a dishwasher!! I normally load it and the unloading is generally down to whoever open it first - normally me.

pithyslicker "If this was about a man insisting his wife washed the tins properly before putting them in the bin, what would be said?"

I know I would say the wife was being a lazy toe rag to not swill out a tin!

You could just put the tins in the dishwasher, too, I suppose. However, he is being very unreasonable not to make the effort when he knows how much it upsets you. Sorry to put a downer on things, but this happened recently ith my Mum and stepdad - lovely man, but he just could not understand why she wanted dishwasher put on and emptied BEFORE she came to make dinner again the next day. Small, small things, but I do think it shows a lack of thought on the part of the 'non complier' as it were. I do things for my hubby because I know how much it irks him otherwise. Vice versa - it's the compromising that comes with being in a relationship. My mum and stepdad divorced eventually - these things can really grind you down!

FGS - he is an adult living in the house. He has 2 jobs, taking the rubbish out and doing the laundry - what a life! No wonder he doesn't see the need for a cleaner!! it is rude & inconsiderate not to do these 2 small things.

The tins are a separate issue - it's a revolting habit to just put them in the recycling box under the bench without washing/swilling/rinsing them out. The fact that when he doesn't bother it makes you feel sick (as it would many of us) should make him realise it's something that 'just needs to be done' even if, in his eyes, it's only to 'keep you happy'. It's not much to ask!!

Could you redivide the labour? Write a list of the things that need to be done and then say to him that it is obvious to you that the tasks assigned to him aren't working out so you thought he could decide which half of the chores were from now on going to be his? He may be totally oblivious to how much effort is required to look after things. If you are both working hard, and have the money, then getting a cleaner seems like a very sensible (and very nice) thing to do. I don't see why it should be from your money though, as that makes it seem like all the domestic tasks are yours, which of course they are not.

Two people living in a house are always equally responsible for the required chores.

We have a cleanliness mismatch in our household and compromises have to be made. (He has a military background - need I say more?)

I found it helpful to discriminate between the necessary (clean underwear, bin not overflowing) and the unnecessary (completely empty laundry basket, no crumbs ever on kitchen worktop). The necessary we agree has to be done, the unnecessary is his choice. Sometimes I do the unnecessary because I know it pleases him and he accepts this as a token of my esteem .

Sounds like you have a necessary-unnecessary mismatch.

And fgs GET A CLEANER!