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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to make contact with my ex's ex for the sake of my children

8 replies

5uperduper · 18/04/2010 11:39

Or just stupid.
The situation: I have 2 children by my ex, we separated 7 years ago...no problems there, we are amicable for the kids etc.About a year after we split up he came to me saying a girl said she was pregnant with his baby, I wasnt overly surprised because he was acting like a prat with women at the time sleeping around a lot. They went on to have the baby, moved in together, declared undying love for each other, got preggers with another one and then got married. 6 months later it all fell apart and he left her because (and I am not exagerrating here) she was a complete loon. She sat around the house on online bingo, shouting at the kids whilst he worked allday then came home, did everything for her, the kids etc. She became abusive towards him phyically etc, even got him arrested for nothing once. In short he had enough. He has since found out that the first baby isnt his (although he still wants to take responsibilty for him) the second one is but she wont let him see either of them. She has a restraining order to stop him from making contact with her or the first child and because of this he says he cant make arrangements to see the second child. He now hasnt seen them for over 6 months. He says he has been advised that he may never see them again or at the very least it wont go to court for another 12 - 24 months.
I find it all so absurd..how is it possible that he can have all his rights as a father stripped away? Why is there nothing he can do abuot it? I want to ring her and give her a good piece of my mind. Last night my 11yr old son was sobbing his heart out that he was never going to see his brothers again (and hes not a crier usually)and as a Mum I so strongly want to tell him that he can and I'll sort it out, but can I help in this situation or is it unreasonable of me to try?

OP posts:
Hassled · 18/04/2010 11:44

Are you absolutely sure that he's telling you the truth? "She got him arrested" - or he was arrested for valid reasons? She has a restraining order against him - AFAIK those aren't just freely handed out without good reason. You don't know what happens behind closed doors - her version of events could be very very different.

So I think maybe contacting her would be a good idea - but don't storm in there shouting the odds, just ask for her side of things. I'm sorry for your DS - it must be bloody hard to have to cope with.

5uperduper · 18/04/2010 11:47

Well, Im as sure as I can be without having been there obviously. I had suspicions too because I didnt think it was s oeasy to just hand out arestraining order, but apparently it is. I know she is an absolute bitch, when they were together my children used to go stay with them and at first she was all lovely too them, but after they got married her true colours came out and I had to stop the kids from going there because she was being emotionally abusive to them...and thats someting I have no doubt that happened.

OP posts:
Hassled · 18/04/2010 11:52

I don't think you can do anything about access arrangements between her and your Ex - that's between them and the courts.

What you can do is contact her and ask if she would be happy for your DCs to meet up, either at yours or on neutral ground. Tell her your DS misses her DCs etc - treat it as a completely separate issue. Good luck .

DorotheaPlenticlew · 18/04/2010 12:01

Agree with Hassled. Sounds like the best way to ease into the situation and hopefully address the most urgent bit (IMO), which is your DS being so sad and missing his brothers.

Maybe the contact, even if simply a very unambitious meeting at the playpark or something, would also allow you to sound out her attitude to you and to the possibility of talking things over with you. If she seems open you might progress to the other stuff.

5uperduper · 18/04/2010 12:13

But she frightens the life out of me! I dont wan to go anywhere near her shes psycho! We've had run in s before. We live a bit of a distance apart as well.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 18/04/2010 13:01

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5uperduper · 18/04/2010 18:37

Im not sure what I want. I want my kids to see their brothers, but I dont want to see her myself, I cant help thinking that my ex has it wrong about not being able to get access.Im kind of shocked that its so easy to stop a Father from seeing his kids. I wondered whether it would do anything if I wrote to her solicitors because surely my children have rights too.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 18/04/2010 19:34

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