to feel sad I have no contact with my brother :(

[macdoodle]

I have had no contact with him at all for over 3 years
He is/was toxic/drugs/gambling/nasty......but we had such a shit childhood, our father was a nasty absuive prick, our mother left us with him when I was 15, and he was 13, and took our younger sister with her who was 6 at the time. It was many years before we all saw each other again

We are all damaged in some way from this, him worse than my sister and I who are very close!

Tonight, I have seen some photos of him on FB (he is friends with a cousin and I could see his photos)!
He looks ok, not exactly happy, but ok, some old school photos of him, made me so sad, he was a good looking bright boy, and it all turned to shit!

I eventually cut ties with him, after him repeatedly treating me very very badly
I almost almost sent him a message tonight, I do miss him and love him, he has never met my DD2, DD1 still talks of him!

I didnt though am far to scared to let him back into my life or my DD's, but I'm sad, that's ok right?? I'm not BU am I

macdoodle - of course it's OK to be sad It's sad you're in this position

Would it be possible to get in touch with your cousin and see if you brother has changed? He may have grown up a lot/had councelling/rehab and be quite different now?

People do change. Can change. My brother an I didn't see much of each other for a while. Now, he is a different man, in a different part of life. He'd help me in a minute but there was a time........

Don't give up.
Go gingerly.
But never give up.

Im the same as you almost.

I lost touch with my brother shortly after my mothers death i was 11 he was 19.

I saw him occasionally and then it stopped.

I suspected my stepfather was to blame.

I was asked to leave home chucked out at 17 and had nothing my lovely big brother got me all my stuff and came to see me.

Then he disappeared again.

preferring drugs and drink and other things.

Took me 15 years and many many favours called in to find him - one address we got hed literally moved out an hour before.

Eventually we got him !! he visited us we visited him then it stopped I phone him but he never answers then if he does its like we never stopped speaking.

I cant live on these terms and find it hard to be dropped then picked up,he equally finds 'family' too hard.

Same blood just different ways.

im sad from the bottom of my heart about this.

He's had lots of chances, lots, this time its not just me though is it, its 2 little girls ...
I have spoken to my cousin, well she brought it up, asked if I thought we would ever be reconciled, I said I thought not, and she shook her head sadly and said she understood, doesnt make me feel like he has changed enough to risk it
But I'm still sad

nickschick, yes he was like that, around when it suited him, disappeared when he couldnt be bothered but expecting you to jump when he was ready!
With a good smattering of fairly nasty threatening behaviour thrown in for good measure, oh and quite a bit of money lent/given over the years

Of course you can feel sad! It is sad.

Totally understand about it not just being you anymore

If you know where he lives, would you maybe consider sending him a letter saying basically what you have on here?

You're allowed to feel sad. It is sad. Because of the 'ties that bind us' if it were a (ver close) friend that you'd had this experience with, it still wouldn't be as hard as this as it's your brother.

macdoodle - maybe you should have a proper talk with your cousin. Maybe she thinks he has improved a lot, but doesn't feel it's her place to push you into being in contact with him as he's hurt you in the past. If your cousin is able to be in contact with him, could you not have the same level of contact she has?

Of course if you do make contact with him, the past has to stay in the past, however, it doesn't mean you can't learn from it (ie not lend him money again).

It isn't just you anymore and I do understand that - but is there any possibility that you are stopping your DD's having a relationship with their Uncle when with a bit of time and effort you could do this??

[If, however, he is a shit of the first order and you are just sad he isn't the brother you want him to be - then leave it all in the past and just be sad for what you wish you had x]