Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to ask guests NOT to bring presents?

18 replies

Surprise · 17/04/2010 22:22

I suppose what I mean is am I being presumptuous, rather than unreasonable. DP and I are getting married secretly and will be holding a party for family and friends a couple of weeks later. Thing is, we really, really don't need presents, but I feel a bit loathe to put "no presents" on the invitations, in case people hadn't even dreamt of bringing one in the first place! What do you think?

OP posts:

MollieO · 17/04/2010 22:24

If you are getting married in secret then why not tell your guests at the party rather than before? That is what friends of mine did. We turned up to what we thought was a normal party (ie take a bottle etc) only to discover they had got married earlier that day!

scottishmummy · 17/04/2010 22:26

congratulations.if you dont want presents,be explicit no presents.folk will assume presents as social norm so do be explicit.also accept some will not comply and wish to offer a gift

Original poster

Surprise · 17/04/2010 22:27

MollieO - we had thought of that, but so many of our friends live far away that we thought they may not make the effort for an "ordinary" party, but would come if it was a special occasion. We really want them all to come, so it would seem best to tell them.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 17/04/2010 22:31

I think on our invites we explained that we didn't expect gifts but if anyone really wanted to then something for the garden would be a lovely memory of a special day.

We received some lovely items and the 99p plants were appreciated as much as the more expensive items. It certainly gives people the option of bringing a token gift if they want to.

TBH if you were invited to a party like that wouldn't you want to give a gift to mark such a special occasion?

cassell · 17/04/2010 22:32

IMO If you're invited to a party to celebrate a wedding then you would assume you should take a gift so if you don't want any then definitely state that!

ShrimpOnTheBarbie · 17/04/2010 22:33

I felt the same way - and just ended up not putting anything on the invitation. When people RSVPed they asked if we had a registry and then I thanked them for the thought but said we didn't want anything. We did end up getting a few gifts (champagne, vases) but in the end a friend organised a bit of a hat around and put the money towards a painting we liked. I think people actually WANTED to give us something to mark the day.

itsybitsy08 · 17/04/2010 22:55

I know its not the same - my aunties 40th she didnt want any presents, but as a social norm people did want to give. So she had a bucket and people popped money in which she then gave to a local charity! Nice idea i thought

PorphyrophillicPixie · 17/04/2010 23:21

What about suggesting that as a 'gift' to you they donate to your favourite charity? That's what my last bosses did as they had the house/kids/everything they ever wanted as they were super rich! It worked though and they raised a lot of money for a water aid charity

PorphyrophillicPixie · 17/04/2010 23:22

seems like itsybitsy got there before me!

ProcessYellowC · 17/04/2010 23:25

Provded that you doll up the "no presents" with why you don't want them and of course your guest's presence is the most valuable thing blah blah, then no I don't think it's presumptious.

We didn't want wedding presents (and we were silent on the invite) but lots of people still did want to give something so we set up a registry with goodgifts. It saved getting into heated debates about presents or not. We're not the best example though, because under pressure from people who "really want to give you something" we ended up with a John Lewis registry too...

For DS's first birthday we wrote on the invite "ds has been a very lucky boy in his first year and so we respectfully and unpresumptiously ask for no gifts." That worked very well.

outnumbered2to1 · 17/04/2010 23:27

why not put on the invitations that you don't want presents but that there will be a box for donations to your favourite charity?

my neice and her bf did this at their engagement party recently as they had received lots of house warming presents earlier in the year when they moved in together.

ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 00:57

Hmmm - I think being invited to a party, to celebrate a wedding that has already happened, is different to being invited to the wedding. I'm not so sure people will feel the same way about presents. I would be more likely to take a smaller gift (for some reason a Rose bush is springing to mind!!) and something to help the celebration along - such as some champagne as opposed to a 'proper wedding present'.

So, yes, it might seem a little presumptuous to some of the guests. I suppose it depends on your guests, your relationship with them, how well they know you etc

If I were you, I'd just leave it, but have a few things 'up your sleeve' that you'd really like if anyone asks.... there must be something you'd like as a present

ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 01:00

(PS: I hate donations in lieu of, I want to give the B&G a present, not a charity. I already donate to charities, the charities of my choice. I would like to get something you would like - whether that be a new toaster, garden vouchers, meal out, spa day etc. To me - donations in lieu always feel like 'a charge' to attend).

marytontie · 18/04/2010 01:00

No problem at all stating No Presents.

It's a lovely touch

parakeet · 19/04/2010 21:58

What ChippingIn said.

gremlindolphin · 19/04/2010 22:09

What about stating that it is a "presence not presents" event but suggesting that if people really would like to do something, they could make you happy by donating to your favourite charity? I am doing this for a forthcoming party and have set up a just giving site for the purpose. Seems to be going down okay.

debaronz · 19/04/2010 22:26

I don't think gifts should be mentioned in wedding invitations (whether a list or request for no gifts). It does presume that people were thinking of giving you something.

People will ask, so you will need something ready to say, such as a charity (is there something you and your family/friends have in common that you would all be likely to support?)

emsyj · 19/04/2010 23:05

A friend at work put 'no gifts please' on her wedding invites and people were really offended. She said it was a nightmare and she spent weeks fielding calls from relatives saying in effect, 'who do you think you are telling us not to buy you a gift - are our gifts not good enough for you then???' So she strongly advised against doing this.

Anyhoo, I would just say nothing about gifts. People will WANT to buy you a gift to mark the occasion. A good friend of mine got married abroad without telling anyone and announced it on her return and I bought her a gift and a card because she is my friend and I wanted to give her something to mark the fact that she had got married. I would personally not mention gifts at all and then people who want to will get something but nobody feels obliged.

Flip