to not make DHs bed up on the sofa for him?

[Pavlov]

DH has gone out tonight with the lads. He is likely going to be a little worse for wear when he gets home so he is going to sleep on the sofa so as not to disturb me and 20wk DS coming in to bed or snoring loudly.

Now, normally, I like to make the front room comfy for him, i make sure blinds are closed (i often, like tonight take the opp to come to bed early and don't go into the front room after kids are put to bed), clear the junk away from the floor so he does not trip up (toys and such), make it tidy so he can sleep well. I also cover the sofa with a sheet/blanket as it can be cold (large leather sofa) and tuck the duvet behind the sofa so it does not slip off, put a pillow there, glass of water, soft lamp and there is a nice appealing comfortable bed to fall into.

I do this because not matter now much he might annoy me by going out and enjoying himself he is great with the children, and will get up with them when i have a bad night most of the time. So, i think, if he is drunk and passes out on the sofa, he won't sleep very well, and yes its his own fault but he won't be so great tomorrow with the kids, and also, well its just a nice thing to do isn't it? If we had a spare room, he would be in that which would already be sorted for him.

He has never asked me to do it for him, and he is appreciative of it and thanks me in the morning.

But, this evening, i am knackered. The front room is a state so i will need to give it a tidy, all three blinds need drawing (huge windows, pain in the arse wooden blinds), the sofa has cats to turf off and toys on to put away, i will need to hunt a clean glass down, it involves pulling out the sofa and I had a really bad night last night so i am so tired i just want to lie here and chill for a moment now the children are asleep, then sleep myself.

So I have just put out the sheet and the duvet and pillow on the sofa for him to do himself. Which means he will chuck it over himself somehow. And perhaps be disappointed that i did not bother.

We have been arguing recently. Do you think i should just go and and do what I normally do, would he think it that i no longer can be bothered, which is not it, i am just so weary i don't want to get up again. AIBU?

I would probably leave it but then I would be un-inclined anyway to do everything you usually do!

But I am not a good person to take relationship advice from, I have a problem with doing this kind of "nice" stuff without feeling like a doormat (having seen my mum be a doormat/maid to my dad all her life).

One of DH and I's problems is probably that we are not nice enough to each other.

You should probably do the normal if you can be arsed!

I would go and do it. You'll reap the rewards if he sleeps better, and it does look huffy if you don't. Plus you are worried, so you'll feel more relaxed once it's done.

YANBU but if you're concerned he might read anything into it, why not leave a little note saying that you're worn out and had to crawl into bed but that you hope he had a good night and you'll see him in the morning?
It's not like you've not got the bedding out ready for him - that's a kind thing to do anyway, even if it's not quite what you usually do.
You're very thoughtful - when my DH comes home pissed, I'm usually already in bed fast asleep

YANBU imo. He is out having a good time - you are not. He is a big boy and I'm sure he is quite capable of putting a duvet on a sofa. You are not his mum. Have a good rest and don't feel guilty. I would be inclined to move the toys out the middle of the floor though, in case he is too hammered to see them and falls arse over tit, thus disturbing your sleep and possibly breaking his leg!

Well, depends how you want your morning to be; obviously he's not entitled to what you do - it's a nice gesture, but if you have been arguing, he may read a lot more into it than "I'm knackered" and then there's all the grumpiness and cross-purposes to get through.

You say you've been arguing - do you think it's just the "we have a young baby and are knackered and snippy" arguing (which is familiar to me right now!) or is it more fundamental?

I mean, YANBU to not do it - it's a kind gesture, not an obligation. I'd be inclined, if you're feeling charitable, to just leave a weee note saying "am knackered, went to bed early, see you in the morning" or somesuch, so it doesn't look like you did anything in a huff. Unless you want a huff to be the message.

If I were your dh I would interpret the lack of usual sofa preparation as an invite to sleep in his normal place (bed). Up to you but if you are after a quiet night I'd probably make the effort !

Just read jamais' post - there is a lot to be said for many small kindnesses that hold a relationship together. And this is especially true when you are all young baby tired. So long as you feel you receive similar kindness, it's worth making the effort, maybe. Or a note.

God, I'm way too indecisive to post in this topic.

oh yes thats a good idea, i might text him. And I intend to be fast asleep when he comes in, it is not completely and utterly a selfless act all he has to do is come in and get into bed and go to sleep. Rather than, rummage for bedding, come in to get his pillow, trip over stuff, wake everyone up! And also, a good natured dh is worth having when he is likely to be hung over tomorrow!

He always says to me, you are tired, don't bother making the bed up tonight, i will do it. Then I think, oh he is not expecting it, so i will do it as a nice surprise for him. but now he will almost expect it backfired, this being nice didn't it?!!

Pavlov, I'd just text him. 'Hi, I'm absolutely knackered, have put the duvet & pillow on the couch, sorry I've not made it for you tonight but I'm falling into bed now. Have a good night, see you in the morning xxx'

Then there's really no reason for you to feel bad or him to be an arse is there? Also, if you do it now, you should catch him before he's too hammered to read it!

jamais I agree with habbibu that these are the things that stop us from killing each other sometimes! Maybe you should try it, just a little something. It really is quite pleasurable to do something nice sometimes.

But, i have always liked doing this kind of thing. I used to get up really early sometimes as a child and sneak around the house tidying it, pretending to be a brownie, and put all the breakfast stuff out on the table and get back into bed, deny all knowledge when mum got up! (she was a single mother of 4). I loved the look on her face, and i love the thought of DH smiling as he comes home to a nice cosy front room.

habbibu in all probability, its baby related. Its also a few other things lumped in there, including him giving up smoking (i hope still by the end of the night) and things have reached a head over the last few days. So, I think i will do it. Even if it is a half arsed attempt at it. It will show him i do give a shit.

Good suggestion from ChippingIn.

PS: He should also appreciate having a really lovely wife, if he doesn't, there are plenty who could show him what a 'regular' wife is like. See if he fancies a 'Wife Swap' for a week... someone here will offer to kick him into touch!!

chippin I think he realises. He made me a fishfinger sarnie today for brecky and went to the shop to get me white stodgy bread instead of the healthy brown i am trying to force down me. Now that is love

ok, i am doing it. I am treating it like entering the sea for the first time this year, no point dithering or you wont do it. the quicker you do it, the quicker it is over with

Pavlov - I think I want to marry you!! He's a lucky sod, I really hope he does appreciate you!

You have a 20 week DS and DH is giving up smoking - hmm, not really any wonder things have been a bit more niggly than normal

Will keep my fingers crossed that he hasn't been tempted back to the smokey side tonight!

in a moment. My legs have welded to the bed.

Pavlov, what a lovely person you are. I hope your DH realises how lucky he is!

I'd marry you, Pavlov

He has been strong so far re fags. He says he will not go back to being a smoker. He said he is surprised at how normal he feels, like he should always have felt but didn't. He is pleased to have normal back. But i hope that normal does not include the grumpiness .

oh don't think i am all sweetness and light! I have my moments, mostly at 3am, when I can be a horrid person. Like most people.

ok, i made the bed up and removed the lego from the floor, as saslou said, don't want him breaking a leg and disturbing me, and then he will want me to drive him to casualty too! I closed the blinds, but did not tidy the room any more than make sure he could not trip over anything, and did not get him water. I did move the bouncy chair from the doorway of the kitchen though as he will fall over that otherwise. I figured that I needed to get up to get my phone from the front room to text him, and likewise would need to get up to go hunt down some paper to write a note, so seeing as I was up it would not take too long really and as you said BoF i was a bit worried so would not sleep so well.

And I get brownie points for tomorrow, when we go to the countryside for a friend's bbq...a nice large glass of wine for me while he runs around with DD

LOL Sleep well & have a lovely day tomorrow

(Just remind him that he's a lucky bugger!!)

well done, you sound a lovely wife. he is lucky. hope he knows it

Enjoy your sleep. I think you are a much nicer person than me

good night all, i can now sleep feeling like a good wife