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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DH and I have been invited to a party,in which i can't attend but my dh still going do you think i'm being unreasonable when i say i don't want him going?

50 replies

LiLu79 · 17/04/2010 10:33

My dh & I were invited to a party recently where i can't attend and he wants to still go...I'm i right in not wanting him to go?
I will give you some background to the persons party it is...We attending a house warming party last year and this girl (who's party my dh wants to attend )was flirting around with my dh something rotten at this house warming party in front off everyone including me which made me feel very angry,anyway i've recently found out this girl tryed to kiss my dh (you name it full on kiss)while i was in the other room talking to her boyfriend,also while my dh has been out on a so called lads night out she has been there and made it pretty clear that she wanted to take him back to her place,(although i will say my dh did refuse).... Do you think i'm being unresonable in not wanting him to go?Recently i was asked to and visit a male friend off mine in switzerland(who also happened to be an old boyfriend)i considered going but i knew how much it would hurt my dh (although he was invited too but declined) so i also declined the offer.....

OP posts:

tootyflooty · 17/04/2010 11:08

he knows she has tried it on in the past with you there, so why would he want to put himself in that position again .if she has no qualms about flirting with you there she will probably pull out all the stops if you aren't there. Sorry to be so negative but this sounds like it could be the start of something if he is not very careful.He is being totally inconsiderate to your feelings, that should ring alarm bells in my opinion.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 17/04/2010 11:11

Unless you lock him in the cupboard, he will always come into contact with women. Some of them make make advances. This is not a problem.

It doesn't matter whether she gets him alone, strips naked and covers herself in lager. Your husband will do only what he wants to do.

So if he wants to betray you, he will. If he doesn't, then no matter what she offers, he will decline.

So it's got nothing to do with her, and everything to do with him.

AccioPinotGrigio · 17/04/2010 11:12

What sort of party is it or where is it that means you can't afford to both go? Is it overseas?

There are two issues here, firstly why does he think his right to go to a party are greater than yours. That would piss me off immensely and it does make him sound like a bit of tit.

Secondly, if you trust him then you should feel confident that no matter what this woman does to entice him he will reject her.

I would be inclined to let him go to the party and let the dice fall where they may.

mamas12 · 17/04/2010 11:12

Yep another one here thinking that he is being contolling towards you.
He goes out when he wants
He says you can't afford to go out
When both of you are invited he goes out
He tells you whats going on.
He is wanting to go and see this woman and you are to let him.

Does that sound right.

Talk to him and point out these things it is a matter of respenct. Or lack of towards you.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 17/04/2010 11:13

yes. you can't go = I don't want you there.

Why doesn't he want you there?

SusanSocks · 17/04/2010 11:14

is the party in someone's house?

if so, take your ds,
problem solved. and leave together.

RedRedWine1980 · 17/04/2010 11:15

I'd let him go.

While he's out put his belongings in black bags and get a locksmith round.

Sounds like he thinks you are a total doormat.

Pennies · 17/04/2010 11:24

Say OK off you go. Book babysitter on the quiet and turn up about an hour after him anyway and maybe you might get the proof you're after.

He's being an arse.

SheWillBeLoved · 17/04/2010 11:28

Let him go. Stopping him from going to this party will not stop him, and her, from having other opportunities in the future.

"Of course you can go dear, but don't get too drunk, you'll be busy packing your shit when you get home. I refuse to be in a relationship with somebody who has such a blatant lack of respect for me and my feelings."

RedRedWine1980 · 17/04/2010 11:31

I'd casually mention theres a great deal on flights to switzerland for lone travellers- and you would love to go and see your male friend.

If he objects then he's an arse and he shouldnt be going to the party.

BritFish · 17/04/2010 11:41

ummmm he spent the first week you were married getting pissed with his mates?
sounds like he needs to grow up.

and yeah, the only way something will happen is if your DH lets it happen. men arent weak willed and conned into snogging people who aren't their wives, THEY make the choice to cheat.

LouMacca · 17/04/2010 11:50

YANBU.

He says there isn't enough money for you both to go?? Sorry but if there isn't enough money for you both to go then neither of you should be going.

Your DH sounds like he has no repsect for you at all. I think Pennies suggestion is a good one and RedRedWines first suggestion is even better!

plimsolls · 17/04/2010 13:47

If it were me, even though I trust my DP, I would want for him to distance himself from the friend as a response to her trying it on with him.

I've had acquaintainces come on to me and I have always distanced myself from them afterwards. Aside from anything else about loyalty and respect for my DP, I would feel really uncomfortable being around someone who has tried it on when I'm neither available nor interested.

overmydeadbody · 17/04/2010 13:50

YANBU for not wanting him to go but at the end of the day you have no right to tell him where he can and can not go, it is up to him.

Hopefully he will consider your feelings and make the right decision, but you cannot stop him going.

I hope he declines the invitation.

post · 17/04/2010 15:08

Well, I'd agree that you can't stop someone doing what they want, but presumably he can only go because the op is providing him with childcare? Seems somewhat cheeky

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/04/2010 16:10

YANBU

I would question his motives for wanting to go and for not wanting you to go with him.

Alarm bells are ringing and I think there is more to it.

He sounds like an arse tbh.

LoveBeingAMummy · 17/04/2010 16:15

YANBU - If he is friends with this girl how many time has he seen her, talked to her? Why would he want to encourage her by attending?

I would be making it very clear that he should not be attending for these reasons.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 17/04/2010 16:19

I think he wants to go because he likes this young woman boosting his ego.

Original poster

LiLu79 · 17/04/2010 21:20

Thankyou for everyones advice......

OP posts:

Zondra · 18/04/2010 13:47

I would be very unhappy about this whole situation if I were you.
I think there's something fishy...

foureleven · 18/04/2010 14:04

YANBU. I dont agree in the slightest with 'stopping' any human being go where they want to go and do what they want to do.

however, please what ever you do dont 'let him go' when youre not happy with it just to be the cool wife or whatever.

The worry aspects of this are;

You should be a union. How can he say this women is his 'friend'? Wen she makes you so unhappy.
You dont trust him; this seems to me to not be your issue but his.
He is controling you by engineering a situation where he can go to a party and you cant.

So many times 'trust issues' are made out to be about the one who cant trust and never about the one who isnt being trusted. It is HIS fault that you dont trust him. Dont ever let him take the role of the poor victim here.

I would 'let' (couldnt think of a better word)my DP go anywhere he pleased because I trust him implictly. If I so much as uttered a word of concern about where he was going, he wouldnt go. Because he knows I would have to have good cause and no party is more important to him than my peace of mind. It works the other way too.

I dont know all the details of course andhave only heard your side but my guess is this isnt an isolated event...?

foureleven · 18/04/2010 14:13

And its the fact that its HER party as well. He's going to celebrate the birthday of a women who has disrespected his wife...? Hmm.. alarm bells.

ANd yes, if he hasnt distanced himself from her then he is getting of on the attention she gives him im afriad.

There are way better men out there lovely xx

BAFE · 18/04/2010 15:13

YANBU - he sounds as if he wants to get it on with this woman without you being around,sorry.

She's not his "friend" if she tried to split up his marriage is she? And if she dumped her boyfriend for your DH?

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 20:18

massive alarm bells here

you don't know the full truth, I am afraid

and you are being controlled

RunawayWife · 18/04/2010 20:27

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all, he is...

Put laxative in all his food the day before the party, he wont be going anywhere except the toilet.

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